Last night the ice was so thin
that the weight of my foot
shattered it breaking it into tiny fragments
exposing the water beneath.
Now in the post-dawn pre-day hour
it has coalesced again into a single sheet
and the sole indication I ever stepped
is a slight indent in the cold glass.
In the river the gray jealous trees
shake with suppressed mirth.
Does this work?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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This is a wonderful poem, Nenni. It captures something simple with beauty, grace, and simplicity.
I love it. Its almost hard to comment on, because theres nothing I can say about this poem. I love it, its wonderful, and it captures a wonderful moment. I love the ending.
-Colin
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Wonderful, Nienna. Subtle, graceful and oblique, yet its feeling of the evanescence of us is as clear as your vestigial footprint.
All things eventually fade, but nature's humor (the reflections of those trees IN the river - nice phrase there), jealous, wish that they could print themselves into that river just as the poet did, and be able to leave at least a temporary presence, a physical one, in the "water beneath."
I like this one for its brevity and its sheer vision. The poet's foot broke through a little door of perception.
Lad
I've always thought that "stressed event" (Custodia Maia) was a sharp commenter (and often a very good poet), but I never knew that he's also a mean-spirited ass. We live and learn. -
Tepid...
... and written in a doubtful taste. Anyway: why "beneath", man? Applaud? NO WAY!language: 2, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 3.
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You silly lil' rascal...
why you bein' so mean? Goaaaaaaolllllly!
Nienna's a nice girl who's never been anything but kind and a welcome face around here.
Why so ornery, little buddy?
al -
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hey al,
we should go after spanky with un-tepid baseball bats...
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yeeehhhhhh....you know what?
Been there, done that. Custodio just cries and gets his panties in a twist. And then what do we have? Two girls with their feelings hurt. Let's stop the senseless destruction here. Custodio, if you're reading..."GROUP HUG". Come 'ere, buddy. You need some lovies...
al
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peace be with you !
aw, i'm a sucker for group hugs.
sorry Custodio. i love ya man. you too al!
*Pap sheds a man tear.
all is well, like... magic.
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Thanks, Al, for your support, it's appreciated and stuff :-)
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Anytime Nienna, buuuuuut....
I'm afraid I may be to blame. Stressful Event(Custodio) made a flip reply to one of your forum posts and I couldn't resist the temptation to be a smart-ass right back at 'im. Then he got his undies in a bundle and came after you. Sorry...
But...it's always great to be included in the "appreciated and stuff" category.
My apologies for creating this kerfuffle. Sometimes I just can't pass on smart-ass. It's a terrible failing of mine.
Sorry Nienna, but thanks. I think you're great and am happy to sing your praises anytime. :-)
al
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Hey Nienna!
The water beneath the ice isn’t easy to touch. Even if someone does touch it by mistake, the perpetrator isnt usually aware of it.
Your last stanza is a gem! A knockout punch to the poem
Great read
Bill
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This sounds like
you felt you had reached someone for a moment, and then they withdrew. Then it seems that you attribute that withdrawal to the mockery of others with the whole trees shaking with suppressed mirth thing. Am I close? Also, are the trees actually "in" the river, underneath the ice, gray and dead in the river? or are the trees along the banks?
I liked the simplicity of this.
al
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likeable
An entertaining and clever litlle poem. It works OK, but it could be smoothed out a bit rhythmically.
As:Last night the ice was thin
it cracked when I stepped on it
breaking up in tiny icy shards
exposing the water beneath.
Now in the post-dawn pre-day hour
it has coalesced again
the sole indication that I was ever there
is a slight indent in the cold glass.
In the river the gray jealous trees
shake with suppressed mirth.
I hope this reads more rhythmically, what do you think?
The poem is yours, use or lose my suggestions as you see fit.
Rich
Does this work? [Rewardlanguage: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Not sure if this is metaphorical or not. You have me wondering if this really involves stepping on ice or this referring to the lack of importance some things suddenly have after we had thought them of high priority? Either way, great piece for all its breveity.
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Subtle metaphorical mockery
The trees, who stand there longer than we, understand that the impression we make last only a night.
"In the river"? or 'by the river'?
Try experimenting with different line breaks and see how it sounds aloud. Can a different cadence help re-enforce the thinness of the ice, the brevity of our impression, the shaking of the trees?
language: 3, rhythm: 1, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 1.
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Yes I think it works
. Very impressive & fitting language Nienna. You have shared your thoughts very well here, I enjoyed the read 
Cindy
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 5.
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