i focused my mind into a box
six empty walls and lightless dark
became the void -
thoughts turn starch; a permafrost
sheet
coats frozen tundra me
food for ravaging caribou
gnawing arctic vegetation
that when this seasonal freeze thaws
my thirsty self of rootless dirt
will drink my puddled mind
to mud.
Reviews
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Gee's Pap, I like it but its like the first of yours that truly makes no sense to me lol..I think im having a blonde day lol, cause im reading someone else on AP & getting way to lost in their words too hahahaha.
Sorry but still I like how you have shorter lines, stanzas, saying what your saying, I find that a hard task lol
PaPy
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*needs to be archived ...
don't worry Cindy, it was a noble attempt. but how are you supposed to make any sense of it when i can't?
it is very frustrating for me. i cannot express my thoughts. heck, i don't even know what my thoughts are, and so this is the result. i got very frustrated editing this one today to the point that i started to lose my head. but i will be posting a more logical revised version soon...
thanx again and sorry for the complete and total CRAP!
Pap
p.s. - yes, even i realize when i have absolutely nothing to say, for as much as i like to talk. -
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*needs to be archived...
lol
Awwww
PaPy Tightly. Well it makes a bit more sense now that U hav explained where this has come from. I look forward to the revised version, just don't stress ur self out 
And I didn't say it was crap lol, I still like it I just didn't get it in anyway lol
's again
Cindy
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Cabin fever
"drink my puddled mind to mud." lovely lyric sound; though perhaps not a great goal.
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doorm room fever
yes. i've been spending too much time inside my dorm room.
and this is the result.
thanx for the read,
Pap
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First thought, Pap: you need to get out more! (that's a joke, nothing serious there.) Second thought: Mud is more alive and yielding to the spirit than ice; mud's not the ideal state of a "condense"d mind, but it's a lot warmer than "a permafrost / sheet..." So, I like that fragile hope in the final two lines.
All in all, I like this concentration of a void mood stuck in the middle of a cold sheet and "coats frozen tundra me" - nice wordplay there on "under me." I know the feeling, and, for me anyway, it comes off the page in a real way. Up to you, of course, but I'd hate to see you mess with this one too much; its cold images are strong and concise...and honest.
Is "lightless dark" a redundancy? Maybe, since there are degrees of dark. I'm just wondering if "windowless dark" or "doorless dark" might work better. Just a thought.
Hang in there, Pap. As I said in one of my own poems: "...soon spring..."
Lad -
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*switches topic to weather and Lad's poem
indeed. i was losing my head there for a while. and so my poetry's been crap lately.
meh. the weather's been beautiful the last two days here in OK. it's really been in the 70's i think. but today i think it's icy outside again. well, that's OK weather -- 70 deg. one day, and 30 deg. the next.
also, i read you poem about the save-a-lot, and i really liked it. i found it quite amusing. i just haven't sat down long enough to really analyze it yet. great stuff though. hilarious in an almost cruel sort of way...
the poem brings to mind Peter on the day Jesus was crucified, how he ran away and denied Jesus -- though that's not really funny.
lol
Pap
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Interesting,
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I like your use of language,
it's bold and rich and sharp, unexpected and full of strange visions... "drink my puddled mind to mud." Indeed! Love it. Best RA -
RA,
this is one of my more debacled poems. it was hard to "condense" my thoughts.
the last stanza, however, is a complete image in my head, although it sort of jumps around in focus...
here, my mind is the "permafrost sheet" covering the "frozen tundra," and i myself am the tundra (this is how the ground is way up north in the arctic). when the caribou eat away at me (who/whatever the caribou are), i become "rootless dirt," that when my mind thaws from its frozen state, and mixes with the ground below (myself), my completed form of body and mind becomes a puddle of mud.
haha.
i am sort of trying to convey the feeling of being mindless, and the point at which my mind returns. while my mind is gone, i deteriorate, becoming "thirsty," and when it returns, i'm still in a pretty messed up state.
the transition back to sanity has not been an instant one.
thanx for the remarks,
Pap
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Very Discriptive-like
Very nice. Like you use of metaphor(as you discribed in your comment). THe switch between first and second stanza flowed well and the discription was well done.
"Coats Frozen Tundra Me" was confusing, but hey, I'm a stupid 12 year old. Over all, I liked it. But it made me cold. Really Cold. Seriosly.
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stupid is as stupid does
heh. i can think of colder poems. read some of Nienna Colle's work... she'll turn you into an ice cube.
personally, i don't think there was much connection between the first and second stanza's. there is a lack of clarity of thought. but i guess that's kinda what the poem is about. heh. i've had such a bout trying to work out the kinks of this poem, but found it an impossible feat. it's message holds true then. my mind is gone...
but hey, don't downgrade yourself because you are only 12 years old! so what? i value your comments just as much as anyone else's. besides, i can think of much stupider poets on here than you, mainly me. lol.
Pap
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MaMa-2-be-Cindy
January 30, 2008