For most, a clear and simple line of thought
Does frame within their minds quite easily,
But, for myself, I find that quite a lot
Of times it just does not work for me.
I paint a dazzling landscape in my head,
Yet what comes out? A sunset. I don't understand
Why this perfect creation is now dead,
Going in circles, rivoting display.
I do remember! That one night,
I was so afraid of what he would do to me,
I called it quits.
Am I blind? I am blind. I can't see.
Let me escape. Please, take this horror away
i dont want to cry any more
Reviews
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I could understand only the abstract of it... this poem looks very simple to read, yet mystic and, to me, it is a clear opaque... “I paint a dazzling landscape in my head,/Yet what comes out? A sunset…” I loved these two lines… you started a question as a statement that you have painted a beautiful landscape and the immediate reply the next carries is speeding up the flow of the poem and it appeals to me… it’s true… many dreams are born so beautiful and many of them meet the sunset without knowing how beautiful they would be if they had a chance to become true one day…. Very well penned… I liked it a lot.
Apologies, if my take is so stupid…
Thanks for sharing…
Love
-Kiddy
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Thank you for the comment, Ms Kiddy. I wrote this poem on one of the hardest days I've had in a long time; perhaps that's why it looks like it's mystical and odd. The lines you quoted, "I paint a dazzling landscape...", I had a hard time finding words that would work; I ended up changing it at the last moment to what it is now. It worked out a lot better.
I'm very glad that you liked the poem. Thank you for your comments!
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opaque
The title fulfills its role; and prepares the reader for the massive switch from a musing to a terror.
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Very strong and able take on the traditional sonnet form, BL. It's not in the form of any type of sonnet I know, but it sure has a sonnet feel and style of thoughtful conflict. (Help me out, is this your own format? if so, it works well.) I couldn't scan the rhyme scheme to any traditional sonnet, either, but that's no negative: I think that a poet is absolutely free to use a 14-line poem any way he likes.
And I like this one.
I get a sense of a poet in deep trouble with himself: something, someone has invaded his sanctity, and he can't seem to escape its consequences. Or maybe it's the poet himself who is "afraid of what he would do to me..." - to himself, something wrong, perhaps erotic or other moral problem that makes even the most beautiful thought into a bleak sadness, a "horror".
The poem, I must say, is a little unclear to me, so I trust I've at least given it a fair reading. I think it's a powerfully dark meditation on the self of the poet on one of his bleak days. I know the feeling.
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Lad -
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Perhaps I could help a little bit with this one.
For the form of the sonnet, I took a traditional English sonnet and, well... tweaked it, mainly to show the deterioration that happens to the main character. The first quatrain holds the rhyme pattern ABAB; the only thing that's slightly irregular is the forth line, which has 9 syllables instead of 10.
In the second quatrain, I still rhyme two of the lines, however, starting on the second line of the quatrain, I abandon the iambic pentameter feel that sonnets have, and it goes array; the forth line still has 10 syllables, but you can't read it like you would a sonnet (and if you try to, it ends up sounding very rough).
The third quatrain is in complete disarray.
In the couplet, to end, I abandon all sense of correct writing, not even capitolizing "i."
I hope that answered your question. As to the subject of the poem, you understood very well; the day I wrote it was a horrible day, to tell the truth.
Thank you for reading, Lad, and for your comment.
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Thanks for the help, Brian. I should have paid more attention to the title, Deterioration, as applying not only to the theme but to the sonnet format as it moves along, deteriorating. Nice work; clarifies things a lot.
By the way, on second thought, I think you might want "riveting" instead of "rivoting."
Good poem!
Lad
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lot of introspection. poetry as therapy and I love to see do this........of course we like to bring joy to others but to use our gift as self healing is a beautiful thing. well done!
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Thank you very much!
Writing really is a thing that helps me. I felt horrible when I wrote this, and I still felt pretty bad afterwards, but it mostly disappeared. It really does help me to feel cleansed, and I feel like I can keep going.
Again, thank you!
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Kiddy
February 3, 2008