I was trying to remember
what loving you was like...
one breath between us
star-drenched nights;
Summer evenings at the cottage,
crickets and the moon
dinner and a glass of wine,
our candle-lit room;
Small rustlings in the thatch
just above our ears,
such complete refuge
from all fears.
Whatever happened
I cannot comprehend
how could such things evaporate
to this ragged end;
Where did those times go,
I wish I knew.
I was going to ask you.
I was going to.
What do you think?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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sweet... and simple. People tend to make romantic poems too wordy and arty in their quest for "imagery". It's easy to forget that a romantic poem need be only about two hearts in love.
Ofcourse yours has a tragedy to end. And you handle it very well, right in the mood of the poem. Without any blood flowing down the slit neck...
Am glad you didn't get over dramatic either about the romance or the break up
"I was going to" is a great title and a great ending!
Cheers.
HM -
Wow RA..very deep words here, emotion there, where needed...
Great tight work on the imgery giving us the feel of being there in this cottage, seeing the moon, hearing the crickets.
Really drew me in, this did..brilliantly written on your part
Cindy
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Great!
The road not taken; great subject for a poem.
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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beautifully written, i love the way it flows and is so easy to read.
i love the last stanza it kind of leaves it open to you asking him and he could have been wondering the same thing.
the reputition shows the thought process of wether to ask or not.
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Very Nice
Nicely writen... and the end i feel leaves it open... open to your own thoughts experiences...
I can relate well to your poem...
language: 4, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 5, form: 4.
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lovely!
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This is a great poem. I really felt like I could relate to this poem. I also really liked the images that you created. Great work!
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so real and honest.
nicely written -
hey riveralex
the first several stanzas while well written made me think hhmmm...this is kind of syrupy but then when things started to go south i had an ah-ha moment...paradise lost. it seems bad things are more interesting.
dave -
Very enchanting...
The capture of both slightly pained reflection and warm memories really struck me in this piece. I felt a speaker who enjoyed savoring these memories, wanted to keep savoring them, but also felt a ripple of pain in doing so. Still, the warmth justifies the pain. This is very well crafted in its lines and the rhyme which accentuates the language but remains slightly subtle. It is like a sporting event... they say a ref is good when you don't know he is there. Rhyme often feels that way for me. When it is at its best, you don't dwell on it... it just softly does it job, just as it does here. A very nice piece of writing worth taking pride in. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading it.language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks Mark,
as ever your comments are incisive and supportive.... I haven't heard from you of late - super to have you drop by again - catch up soon I hope. Bet RA
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Poignant, touching, melancholy
Several layers of disappointemnt and regret simultaneously. Tinges of guilt and confusion. Honest, and realistic questions; the ones a person, mystified by loss, would ask.
The melancholy almost a whisper; reenforced by the last two lines. The last line an apology, and a pleading too.
The rhymes are soft, rather than harsh or obvious.
Favorite line:"Small rustlings in the thatch just above our ears"
Both my wife and I have lived under thatch; indeed the rustling; and the whisps of dust that drift downward in the night.
One of the better love/regret poems I've read. Simple, but not mushy, sweet, sticky treacle! {You can tell I'm a bloke!]
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 5, form: 4.
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Thanks GG
Yes, I can tell you're a bloke yet it's true, "mushy" is best left for peas (now there's a Brit reference for you).
Personally I am in two minds about this piece, I struggled trying to write it, possibly because of the confusion I write of here, but it seems to have hit a strong chord with some so I guess it's worth the risk to post that which may seem less finished than others. Yet I guess that's part of what people are picking up on... really moving to see how people connect with things, isn't it...
Thanks for the sensitive read.
Best RA
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Good stuff
Very nicely done. Summer evenings, crickets and the moon. What memories that brings. And yes, where did those times go.
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I'm pleased this struck a chord
... and in reading some of your things we have been exploring similar emotional territory. Ouch! But a shared "ouch" seems to be a comfort - glad you tuned in to these memories of England. Best RA
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I'm know I'm biased but....
I know this is a soapbox of mine but I can't help feeling your quest for rhyme here is killing the poetry. The last stanza nearly saves it with the only completely natural rhyme in it. That last line, also the title just seethes with the feelings of regret I think the rest of the poem reached for with the wrong tool.
I think if you went back and stitched in a few more 'I was going's like
'I was going through some old photographs ...
'I was going over what I said to you' etc. etc.
it would prime us for that final killer line. Sorry to be negative but there's no use saying 'very nice' or , worse still, nothing at all. It's worth saving. My Best as always. >W<
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Thanks WH
I value these comments, which so reflect my own feelings about and struggle with the piece, I was reaching for something and the rhymes were, as you say, more forced than usual.
But who dares wins, eh? I appreciate your frankness, it comes from the gut and I love that. Over time I will revise or re-work this I think.
Best RA
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