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stretch loose tendon ligament tension chalk dry calloused appendages contort to boulder embrace force flex through gravity match hands for dyno glory awaits in one last upward lunge |
what needs to change? what is cliched?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Gripping
Pap, you are an adrenalin junkie!
I know it is a nonet; but is the form of the poem also a visual cliche for an overhanging rock?
Non-climbers can't understand the slang without your notes. Any way to overcome that and still use the nonet form?
What is there is a clear expression of the effort and concentration needed for an upward lunge.
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let's hope it holds !
haha. gripping indeed.
i think if i aligned the poem to the left, the visual overhang would be more pronounced. but yes, i see what you mean. rock climbing was just the first thing that came to mind, perhaps for that relation. idk.
anyhow, i know that the lingo makes it hard for a non-climber to understand, but i am thinking about sending this one in to Urban Climber, a rock climbing magazine. every month, on the last page, they publish a poem about rock climbing.
i'm glad you think this is a clear expression of concentration. one of the potential lines i omitted was "i prepared my mind for pain" -- but i decided that this is a rather vague and uneffective line. my goal here is to show my mental focus, rather than say i am focussed.
also, i read your response to Outlaw's poem about the defeated Confed. soldier. and i must say, it is a history lesson (it was posted on the site's front page when i logged on as a recent activity). i then went back and read the poem. 29 direct relatives in quite interesting. i'm sure you know more about the Civil War than any of my text books could ever tell me. and sadly, they make for boring history. but the noble and gentleman like conduct -- the enormous respect both sides had for each other -- now that is a whole other side to the story too often left out.
so thanx for your detailed and even personal responses on SP. they've made my day more educational, if anything. haha. and i agree, it's important that we get the facts straight.
cheers,
Pap
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Looked twice.
Read the notes and went back. Exceptionally good when you understand the lingo. Cindy has got a nice few people on this one. I think everyone enjoys the challenge, and you have certainly mastered it in my veiw.
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Hey, Pap, I just plain admire any poet who tries different formats just for the fun of it. Isn't that what poetry writing should be all about? I think so, and it makes the "joyous difficulty" of poeticizing all the more joyous.
The climbing images work like tight muscles with all those compacted nouns, perfect form for the theme, and all those internal rhymes make the tension all the more, well, tense: stretch, tendon, tension, appendages; contort, boulder; right, vice, i; flex...match; upward, lunge. Nice work, including all those hard "c", "f", "t" and "g" alliterations - a sweating, macho poem for sure!
And I didn't even care that you've got ten lines in this nonet, with the 6th and 7th lines each having four syllables. What the hell! Forms don't have to be perfect when the poem's this good. But, perfectionist that you are (nuts just like me!) you'll probably go in there to fix it up. Oh well. I still think it's a knockout poem whose inverted triangle form is perfect for the danger of falling.
Cheers and Ciao,
Lad. Rewarded 8
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*holds head high in defeat
heh. how did i miss that one!?
well, there is a reason i don't write in structure, but this one was still a bunch of fun.
CRAP! (had to get that out)
meh, i won't beat myself up about it. haha. rules are meant to be broken, right?
ya know, i wrote this one in the wee hours of the morning. so mistakes seemed imminent. thanx so much for that spot. and for your other kind remarks, which make me proud of my debacled poem.
Pap. -
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Pap, you are one crazy-ass, meshugeneh poet, and all the more admirable for that! I KNEW you'd go in there and fix it up, and I think you did just that. A good poem has now become a VERY good one, form-fitted and all.
Now, write a poem that deliberately breaks all the rules!!
You're a delightful guy, Pap. Keep on truckin.
Lad -
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a good lad indeed
heh. thanx for all the compliments!
you know me too well. lol. perfectionist all the way. that is, of course, i wrack my brain on a poem so much that i become apathetic and finally chuck it in the archive. hahahaha.
first drafts always suck, and it's rare if they don't, but it always feels good to say they do when it's true, which is most of the time.
and yes, i'm feeling something very stream-of-consciousness coming on. it's building up i tell you. i think it may read something like the poem "Sunflower Sutra" by Ginsberg. idk. something long. something unrestricted. something deep and metaphorical...
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Pap, if you "feel something very stream-of-consciousness coming on", you couldn't do better, in my opinion, then dig into Ginsberg's great works. Let it flow, my friend! And be sure to Feature it so I see it, or at least let me know when it's been born.
One more obvious thought: I think you have the spirit of a true poet. And your work, first drafts or later ones, show it.
Later...
Lad
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maybe i've fixed it. lol.
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yes i have done this piece many times.....yes we are family....all of us! thanks for the love!L
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hey swetie i love it when you read my work.....i always look forwad to yours. off to beddy bye....will let you know how the job front is going...
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GRRRRRR you're not supposed to do form! What the heck? I get sick for...a week and a half, and I come back, and here's Pap, writing FORM poetry. You know, this isn't what I need right now! You're...progressing! And I'm not! Where's the justice in the world?
This was...dynamic! heh. I was really impressed. I can't stand form that's done sloppily, but I guess I can't anticipate ANYTHING done such by you, so it stands reason that your new dabbling should be strong and impressive. I liked that you were able to write an extremely disciplined piece about a sport that (I don't know anything about and) find free-form until you look closer. It seemed fitting. What with rock climbing just being a journey to the top however you can do it. I also thought it sort of nice and ironic that it ended on a single downward lunge (visually) which made it easier for me to see the last upward lunge that was needed. It gave me this image of a rock climber reflected in a drop of dew hanging off of a piece of grass (which sounds insane but my friend took a picture of a drop of dew with the whole early morning world inverted inside it--crazy things happen while I sleep...). Very neat image for my fuzzy head.
Anywho. I admire your verve, determination and courage in trying new things. I might have to go look up some uber difficult forms and TOP THIS with some RHYMING! Nah, I'm not very competitive. As soon as those thoughts entered my head they were out again. Great job.
Nienna
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do not build yourself a cage!
little Nenni,
why do you worry so? this poem was just an exercise to get me writing -- a crutch...
i hadn't written anything for at least a week and so i was really losing my head. when i read Cindy's poem (another nonet), i learned what a nonet was, and rock climbing was the first thing i thought of, so i stuck with it.
progress my butt. my original post had 10 lines, as Lad so kindly pointed out.
and as a side note, because of my creative writing class, my understanding of poetry is getting... broader. there's so much to take in, it's hard to process it all. i'm learning all this crap about poetry, but when it comes to writing my own stuff, i'm regressing... writing in form.
me and you should be past the structured crap. there is nothing to know. anyone can write in form. anyone can follow instructions (except people like me, with ADD -- self-diagnosed).
real poetry cannot be contained. so break the rules. open your mind. express yourself. let it flow. that's poetry!
take heart,
Pap
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Gagiikwe
February 6, 2008