I write my poems
Slitting open my heart
opening a black, bitter fount
I thought I psychoanalyzed it away
but it's still there.
I thought I never had to deal with this shit again.
I thought the shrink wrapped it up in a neat little package
and threw it in the garbage
Never to be seen again.
That's what I paid him for.
But it comes back
Less powerful, but it comes back.
Why is it we never fully get over our pain?
No matter how much we pay to medicate it away?
I deny my pain
Go on like nothing happened
And wonder why I eat in front of the TV for hours on end.
I just have to ride out this black storm
Until it takes its course
And I see the sun again.
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Author notes
I wrote this when I was depressed.
Gee, can you tell?
What do I need to improve? Imagery? Rhyming scheme? How can I make this more "poetic?"
Comments
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It is a true statement you're making here - there is no amount of medication or therapy that will eliminate the hurt in our lives. That's just a fact of being human, a truth we must accept if we choose to accept life. We all have our black storms, but the sun always comes out again. There are a few small improvements I think you could make to this poem. Try omitting line 9. "Never to be seen again" is redundant, considering the statement you made in line 6, "I thought I never had to deal with this shit again." The poem reads quite smoothly without line 9. Also, in line 12, you might consider changing it to something like "However less powerful..." instead of repeating the previous line again (But it comes back). Finally, lines 13 and 14 ask one question. You really should save the question mark until line 14 instead of having two - it breaks the statement in half, and line 14 on its own isn't a question, but a condition - a good one - for the question you're asking. "Why is it we never fully get over our pain, no matter how much we pay to medicate it away?" Those are minor things, however. I think what you have here makes a resoundingly true statement, and you've found the right words to express it with. Good writing!
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Lament
Thank you! I'm going to revise this according to your directions to see if it flows better than the draft. Thank you for your input. I think you improved it by 50%!
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