That sound—
Is it a church bell?
The single strike
of some imperial gong?
Or is it the shaping blow
of a war-smith
and the men come
to shroud me
in veil black.
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Author notes
This is one of those that came into my head fully formed, precipitated by the remembered sound of a gong that echoed with a terrifying ring-- it occurred to me the sound was identical to a blacksmith striking something on an anvil.
After writing it down, however, it seems that more might need to be said. Should I leave as is, or add on?
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Gong With The Wind.
Suddenly occured to me that I need to catch up on some Celestial slices of Pie! This piece is different but no less thought-provoking/enhancing as you usually spoil us with, Lauren. Intriguing title and reading this short piece I for one would be keen to see you flesh this out some more using your unique slant on ...well just about any issue you choose to take issue with!
The anvil, churchbell and the gong is an excellent context to highlight topics you appear to be tip-toeing around here(which is perhaps done on purpose - lightness of touch isn´t something I can boast of!). I´d like to see the anvil mentioned and more on how the sound affects the enshrouded recipient of aural overtones with menacing undertones.
I think the idea is great though. Hmmm. Who knows, it might inspire a poem - ok, I´m off to the Akashic library CP! See you there!
Warmest fuzziest regards
gGoooooonnnnggggg
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Hey, Simon. Always glad to have you at my table. I have a meatier version stowed away somewhere-- I'm finding that here lately all I have time to post is first drafts, and however good my intentions are, I am not getting a chance to go back and revisit. This one is gnawing at me though. I found another draft of it last night as I was going through my notes for "Delirium." Hopefully I can do more with this.
As you saw (and were good enough to comment on!) I spent the last week at the Akashic library, my poor fevered brain rocketed there on high temperatures. I'll keep my eye out for you.
HugGs,
Lauren
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Hey Pie,
A very potent poem here, Pie. Very vivid imagery with the bell sound. Creating an atmosphere of uncertainty and fear. It is truly terrible what goes on in Islamic countries due to lack of women’s rights. I don’t want to blame Islam in particular; Islam and Christianity have many similarities. Christianity did have its dark times when in it was in political power not so many centuries ago. Let’s just hope that religion and politics go their separate ways so that equality for women will be a reality even in those countries.
A very sobering poem, Pie
Bill
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Thanks, Bill. I don't blame Islam in particular either-- you're quite right, Christianity had its dark times as well. In fact, I find it frightening that even in a so-called modern country like the US, how easy it would be for us to backslide into women having no rights.
Thanks for the read and the kind review.
Pie
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I'm glad to read something new from you Pie. Its been awhile. I like how this poem is spare and yet tights. I read the title and thought marriage, though i associated 'ring' with the jewelry. Hence i was surprised it reflected the ringing of the bell. Very subtle. The association on the bell creates this image of a fear for marriage, or a rather negative association to it. Ending this poem with a black veil made me think of death and mourning. Hence, it seems that marriage as portrayed here isn't that of happiness but of a ritualistic cage tying your poem to the image. I like how upon seeing the title you'd think its a happy marriage poem, but in Pie's hands its something new and different. I think in this poem less is more. If you added more in between it would lose the strength it now has. However this is my opinion. I like it as it is.
-iphios -
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Thanks again, Iphios, for reading and leaving back-to-back comments. Yep, the reference to marriage was deliberate, since it's just one of the ways in which women around the world, and particularly women under radical Islamic regimes, are oppressed. Yet the poem occurred to me with the sound of the bell-- a rather ambiguous sound, as it turns out.
Glad you liked it.
Pie
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I kind of like it, but I have a headache and I can not think it through lol. But nice.
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Thanks, JBtR.
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It's a nightmare alright, luv, that bell's ring resonating powerful patriarchal church and masculined imperialist oppression - all in "That sound - " Then, almost inevitably, the two of them conspire to hammer out war again, and come after the feminine, mummy her up.
Strong stuff here, my pie. Amazing what two nearly impalable things, a ring and a veil, can do to keep the upper hand. And the title's allusion to marriage - even stronger, though subtler, stuff. When you write brief, you hit as hard as length can, about being oppressed almost beyond endurance, and way beyond what only words can say.
Lad -
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Hey, Lad. As usual, you wring every possible meaning I could have implied from the piece-- the marriage reference, the sound, the patriarchy.
I think shorter poems hit harder. My only worry with this piece is that I left too much to implication, I did not render enough. I have halfway made up my mind to write an alternate version.
Mummied up-- I may steal that for the re-write.
Luvya,
Lauren
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This was terrific, pie.
Messages are best spoken with simplicity without any excess to confuse the point. You honed right into your message here like whetstone to your inky blade. Corny commenting metaphors aside, you cut right to the quick of the matter by bringing in the blacksmith with his dark, soot filled swinging and smashing upon the freedom of his oppressed bride. Which is how I see much of this culture in regard to womens' rights, they have none. Married into opression is a fitting theme borne well by your metaphor. Nice work, pie.
al
p.s. I loved the brevity. Also, the picture was a nice addition as I read this earlier and was rather confused.
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Hey again, Al. Glad you liked this one. I was hoping to accomplish everything I wanted to say with this brevity, but I'm a little afraid the pic is the only thing that makes it comprehensible. I have a re-write, but I don't know if I like it. Do you think I should leave as is, or try to add some more to clarify?
Thanks.
Lauren -
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hey pie...
I thought it was great the way it was. Adding the picture was all that I needed for it to click. I was however, lost without it. So if you wish to send this anywhere sans photo, yes, I would include some more.
al
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hey pie
with the pic. i imagined the opression of muslim women by their male counterparts in a cultrually, regionally, econimically, politally part of the world, but also opression by US i.e the invasion where solders go door to door or door through door dragging their sons off into the nite for suspected insurgency, or a bomb hitting and blowing up their home and killing their infants or tribal violence. i'm making myself sick but great imagrery in a few words.
dave -
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Hey, Dave. You got it-- that the women are exploited on both fronts. Do you think I should leave this poem as is, or say more? In some ways, it felt done-- it was one of those pieces that emerged fully formed in my head, but after writing it, it seems like I should add to it.
Lauren -
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hey lauren
glad i got it. its embarrassing if you miss the point of someones poem.
as for adding i say no (unless you want to) following your intuition is usually best. i'd say write another poem on the same subject. glad your back in the mix i'd been awhile. if i must critique its that you don't post more, lower your standards.
dave -
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It HAS been a while-- the new job is keeping me constantly tied up. In the past, I did most of my writing AT work, but it's just not possible here. On top of that, we've had computer problems at home, so this has meant very little writing time for me, which has been a real bitch. (And it makes me INTO a real bitch.) So I am glad to snatch an opportunity when I can.
Thanks for the thoughts. I think you're right.
Lauren
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