Eclipsing my inner mind
cloudy thoughts stop my way,
feeling forbidden
I dithered to decide
- What NEXT?
Fantasizing to cross the world
of love you thought closed,
standing on the threshold
of hope and faith
I wish I had wings.
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Reviews
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very nice
so many pictures and thoughts brought by so little words, very good at putting into perspective.
a freedom of love. i too wish i had wings sometimes, so i could freely land on my destination, fly over that fog.
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Wow Kiddy
you have said so much here, so well
This read entranced me
Well done, brilliantly penned
Cindy.
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I enjoyed reading this very much! Your words flow brilliantly here. Alliteration here and there colors the poem along with some nice imagery. The last line haunts me - is longs to explore an entire world, but is confined to the earth. It adds a nice, effective final statement to an already wonderful poem! Good work!
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Enigmatic
But with flair as well. Hi Kiddy. I think you are getting better and better at evoking cool enigmas through your words. It appears to me as though you put a lot of thought into each line and that kind of dedication really pays off. I can´t find much to criticize here for improvement - sorry. All I can say is: keep working for clarity and focus of your thoughts. Your words, for me, do indeed have wings, Kiddy.
Warmest regards
gG
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Hey gG... Thanks for stopping by..
Here is my BIG NOD... This poem is composed/written/created/penned - whatever - with complete dedication... I wanted to be so empathetic that I capture what exactly the speaker feels and thinks - b/w speaker is my friend who failed in his love and shared his emotions and thoughts with me - I'm happy my objective subjectivity is working a bit...
Thanks again, gG
Take cares
Love
-Kiddy
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I really admire the way you've managed in this poem, Kiddy, to combine several disparate images into a whole - a solar eclipse, a dithering, a world-crossing, love, hope, faith and wings. Fine work for me to enjoy, because it's lyrical poetry at its best.
It leaves open spaces (like not trying to detail "hope" and "faith") for a reader to fly into. Other poets might try to detail those big words, but you wisely left them open. And that final line is like a sudden thought thrown into the poet's contemplation, wishing she could wing love's shadow away.
I don't think that capitalizing "NEXT" is necessary, as the question itself is already a strong one and stands out. But that's a mere thought on my part. I really like the imaginative, questioning flight of this one, and I surely know the feeling in it.
Lad -
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Thank you, Lad. You are so right in getting at the essence of this poem... I didn't want big words to be explained in detail, I just wanted them to be fixed at right place and cause right effect at reader's mind... I am not sure, how fr I'm successful...
capitalizing NEXT - I have a reason... while the speaker dithers to decide, his mind is very fast in asking NEXT... wanted to bring the feel of THINKING LOUDER - but I'm no e.e.cummings or any great poet to express what I rightly wanted to say...
This is the line with which I'm not sure about the effect it would create in readers mind... so my uncertainity is finally discovered by you..
thanks again Lad.
Take cares
Love
-Kiddy
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Hey kiddy
you're getting a lot better at this. At times your ESL pinholes through your writing, but this was sheer. This was really good. Why? The themery is great. People often write a bunch of mish-mashed phrases with no continuity, but you make a them here and stick to it. First, you use the word "eclipse" which word takes the mind skyward as that is the origin be it a lunar or solar eclipse. So we're looking skyward and you bring in clouds to serve as the shadow eclisping your thoughts. Once again, a wonderful continuity of theme. Then you kick it with alliteration, a teriffic tool to tickle the thoughts, with the next two lines of "feeling forbidden" and "dithered to decide"(dithered is a great word, by the way). The question "What Next?" is a great way to dichotomize the write and introduce the answer to disperse your eclipsing clouds of thought. You ponder just going out and getting what you want, yet bring yourself back down from the clouds to reality with the realization that you haven't any wings, again ending with a terrific continuity of them where everything is up in the air, both metaphorically and poetically, and personally regarding your feelings of indecision.
This was really teriffic, Kiddy. One of your best.
al
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Hey Al,
Thank you... I wrote this poem having my friend who always laments over his failure in love in mind...I found him sometimes to be very philosophical and poetic while speaking... inspired by his experience, taking his lamentation as a prompt, I penned this one... Am happy you loved it...
Thanks again...
Love
-Kiddy
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Great one Kiddy.
nicely penned... your Moon man should read it, I wish. his love for you will be doubled, I'm sure.
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Thank you ML...he will be.. I know..
love
-Kiddy
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The Poetess Is Lethargic
A short but nice piece bearing the tinge of Maya Anglou. The poetess is lethargic to see murky world, blast here, bomb there, she feels the purpose of her sojourn has not been fulfilled in this mangled world: the mission to seed love and tolerance. She rightly desires to have a pair of wings to escape for the world is not worth-living, the leading heads must think seroiusly what may happen in the world when devoid of love. Good Luck
Muhammad shanazar -
miss kiddy how are you? I had to read this a couple of times to get into it but as always with your work it was worth it........loved the line "of love you thought closed," sounds like someone is not bright enough to realize your worth.......in which case I would say, "Next?", lol! well crafted..i liked the form........LD
. Rewarded 6
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A lot of ache in tis one...
Hesitation, self-doubt, resistance are all contained here. But there is the hint of release, the strong urge of it.
One suggestion: I don't know that you need "...to decide..." in the fourth line, maybe just "I dithered / -What NEXT?" It seems to scan a little better. Nice, tender, hepe and faith will win is the message I get. Cheer, MJ. Rewarded 6
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"There must be..."
"something more for me, just out of grasp, yet I cannot reach it," is the message I am getting from this short-and-sweet write. The wordplay is fun, and not overplayed. Wishing, wanting, hoping, yet not being able to have built up anticipation within me, and in my book, if you can make me feel such strong emotion with your wonderful words, well this poem is just fine. =] Great write, Ms Kiddy.
-Renji. Rewarded 8
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Hey Kiddy
The feeling I got from the poem, was that something was troubling you inside of your mind. An inner battle that you didn't know if you were goin to win. With the way you ended the poem it sounds like you are trying to escape this place or at least the thoughts in your head. Or maybe your wishing for your mind to escape period? Overall a good read for me. A good and different kind of style and look at the inner self doubt of the poetess.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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I thought this was very well crafted, truly using language as an art form. There is such a gentle, rolling flow to it for me and yet it has a very real emotion to it. This was a sad, longing emotion for me. As if the speaker was longing for something that she could not put her hands on, or something that had been lost or separated by insurmountable boundaries. The only thing I was not sure about was using all caps for NEXT. As I mentioned, it felt like it had a light, rolling flow for me that seemed a little too forceful or heavy. I am not at all prepared to suggest changing it, though... wait for other opinions on it. It very well may be my reading of it. That one little part is all I wavered on, though. As a whole, this was really very nice.
. Rewarded 8
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Hello Kiddy
This is the first poem I have read of yours. I like that you decided to keep it short and succinct. It is often easy to go on a tangent with free write, which you have not done here. I like your choice of words describing your state of mind. To me this poem expresses the feeling of longing bound by something stagnant yet necessary. I could be wrong but that is the great thing about well written poetry, it will mean something different to each person who reads it.
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hey Kiddy,you have structured this perfectly and its been nicely left open for interpretation.i picture a woman stuck in a dreary relationship who is fantasising about an old flame who made her feel alive..the only part i`m not sure about is why you have written NEXT in uppercase,maybe it`s to emphasise your frustration
nice work
bye
rhet
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Hey Kiddy,
This one is really nicely done. I think the length of this one is what makes it better. You have been able to pin it down to the basic core of the idea which I think is kind of sad. You have expressed it really well, especially the restlessness that comes with unability to do something we love for someone we love.
It might be a wrong interpretation but thats what I got out of it. Over all ... excellent work as always
- Abhi
. Rewarded 12
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I enjoyed it!
you used beautiful language- really nice choice of words. it made my heart ache, but at the last line made it burst. i love the hint of hope in longing. very strong last line. also the short length made me read it over and over again and i enjoyed it more every time. good job!
. Rewarded 9
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Hey Kiddy,
everything is skywards here. Intelligent choice of imagery. Write something seawards too.
-C
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'Feeling forbidden' 'dither to decide' - oh wow the words alliterate without any effort. Hey Kiddy, you didn't seem to be forcing the words to rhyme. Awesome.
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Good word choices here Kiddy, especially liked..
Fantasizing to cross the world
of love you thought closed,
standing on the threshold
of hope and faith
I wish I had wings.
Really nice stuff
. Rewarded 6
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Hope and faith are your wings you can fly high no doubt!LOVELY POEM.
BlackKettle
February 19, 2008
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