For with authority and power
He commands the unclean spirits,
yet the unclean spirits
pull and tear at my weathered soul,
feeding savagely,
yet persistently,
like burning maggots of primal night;
Sloth, greed, unrelenting envy,
raging rivers of gluttony
which carry a sediment of pride
to my vast ocean of wrath and lust.
Where is your authority
that drives these hateful, ebony asps
away from my heart?
Where is your power
to bring divine rain,
which may replenish and renew
your weary son?
To search the vast battlefield
would be to forfeit my being,
for these smothering demons
need only one more gaping wound
to eternally extinguish the flickering light.
So I will raise my own sword,
showing the faint glint of purity
that remains sharp on this blade,
and lead a solitary, mournful march
as I hunger and thirst to preserve
my own faltering righteousness.
Though I may be persecuted
by more than just these fanged shadows,
I shall plod on in this desperate
crusade against my own haunting nature.
May I remain merciful and just
in the vanquishing of this blaze,
though I see myself as truly meek,
with only an impoverished spirit
behind the feeble weapon I hold.
A peacemaker within myself
I pray to be.
But truly I know I am powerless
against this furious army of sin,
for the power and authority
are Yours alone.
And so I march on...
alone into this war...
praying that you'll soon take the lead.
Author notes
Inspired by Piano Guy's poem "Render Unto Caesar" which related to a Bible verse, and by my reading of St. Augustine who supposedly opened the Bible at random and took inspiration from the verse. I opened the Bible at random, my finger landed on Luke 4:36 (my first two lines), and I let the poem flow from there. The eight years of Jesuit education and Irish Catholic raising are probably very evident here... lol I actually found this to be a fun way to fuel a poem and may try a few more if this is a success. I know the religious poem does not appeal to all, but I hope it works and I hope some enjoy it. Let me know what you honestly think. After all, it is my first new poem in quite some time. Thanks!
PS - I am unsure of the title, too, so thoughts on that are also appreciated!
So... what do you think?
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
Well... I think the poem's ending worked very well for me. I found the whole battle scene in the first 2/3rd of the poem a bit tiring. But the concluding para improved the spirits no end. The title is all right considering the ending... It is about faith in the end.....
Religion is indeed a fascinating thing. I think it has caused more wrong in the world than right. Maybe this view of mine has more to do with the things as they stand for me personally. But either ways, religion does inspire some great poetry. There's not much doubt about that.
-
Hi, Mark, and first off, let me say that I'm intrigued by this poem. Seems the Jesuits did a job on you, and - as with all human things - what they did had its good points and its not-so-good ones.
The good, I think, that they instilled in you is a fine sense of right and wrong, and the humility to accept both those experiences as honestly as possible, and then try to keep the good and repent the wrong, change ourselves slowly and persistently. And...they sure taught you well how to work with words skilfully.
The not-so-good that the Jebs instilled - just my opinion here - was a mega-heavy dose of intractable guilt that can beat up a decent person for a lifetime. The old saying works: Jews invented the house of guilt; Protestants drive by and wonder if they should buy it; and Catholics live in the damn thing with all its airless rooms!
Anyway, sorry for that long-winded intro to your poem. I think it works all through, starting with your inspiration from the Gospel passage. Its images are stark and probing, its narrative of the poet's fight with his sword is dramatic, and its conclusion is hopeful and courageous. It moves along like a good tale of an inner life should, at least for me. I like religious poems that don't sermonize; after all, whether we're religious or not, religion is one of the top few most influential things in our culture, and poets need to address it from time to time. Your address here is refreshing.
At the same time - and this is only my personal reaction - it might be too over the top to speak to me on a gut level. Its raging, dark images almost make the poet come off as a Hitler or Stalin or some other unbelievably horrible monster of sin and filth. Maybe toning down some of its images of personal sin might make it more real, more true to life? But hey, Mark, it's your poem and your feelings, and I do apologize if I'm not seeing things as you intended in the poem. All in all, what it DOES have masterfully is an amazingly adept poetic skill in its phrases and terrifying images, almost like something from the Middle Ages - and, who knows? - maybe those Middle Agers were right after all!!
I like the title, too. You might, though, want to consider something like "The Battle", since, to me anyway, that's what this poem mostly images. All in all, really fascinating writing, even though the theme might possibly be too overdrawn.
Later...
Lad
-
-
Thanks for the in depth and thorough analysis, Lad. It is much appreciated. As far as the guilt goes, it is interesting. I think it clearly gets poured into a few of my poems, I completely understand the Catholic obsession with it (especially the Irish Catholics like my family!), but I feel very little of it in real life. I think part of why I enjoy writing about guilt so often is because it feels new and interesting to me. Some of my poems are a reflection of my own life, but quite a few are a chance for me to wear a mask. The guilt poems are largely that mask. I am sure there is some deeper psycho-analysis of why someone who rarely feels much personal guilt would write poems with heavy guilt... I am sure some "experts" would say it really is my guilt and I am holding it in... I say it is just fun to put the mask on and play with it. After all, a kid may love dressing up as a monster at Halloween... it doesn't mean he is a monster all the time. So, I like the point you made, but just wanted to clarify it is not personal guilt I am expressing but my attempt to explore what that guilt might feel like if I owned it. Hopefully that makes sense! I am thankful for all these useful thoughts and suggestions, though. Right now I am off to an early sleep because tomorrow morning I take the 4th graders on a 3 day field trip. When I am back online Friday night or Saturday, though, I may revisit this and do some tinkering. We shall see. I am glad to have the valuable input, though. Thanks again and all my best to you and yours...
-
-
Hey Mark
As a whole I enjoyed this poem. Personally I don't believe in organized religion, but that didn't stop me from enjoying the tale told. I found it a little too biblical, but not preachy. Which was very surprising to me b/c most of the time religious inspired pieces just rub me the wrong way. This did not. I found your poetic use of the words great. The form was pretty good, I personally would have liked to see some line breaks in there, make them into stanzas, would make some of the lines more powerful in my opinion since this is kind of a longer piece. As for the title I think you should leave it as is, because after all that is what inspired you to write this isnt it? Your beliefs and faith in the knowledge presented before you? Think about it.
Of course as anybody would say it is your own work and you make the calls. Have faith in the title, no pun intended LoL. And believe in yourself, what some might dismiss may be another man's salvation. Sometimes when it comes to writing, either they got it, or they didn't. Just my opinion. Hope to hear from ya soon and welcome to SP. This is definately a place for growth and encouragement.
TTYL
MM
language: 3, rhythm: 1, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
-
-
Many thanks...
Thank for the taking the time to compose such a thorough and thoughtful review. Your comments and suggestions are greatly appreciated. The fact that it did not come across as "preachy" alone feels good about this piece, since that was not the intent. It was more about personal reflection and introspection rather than trying to "sell" the thoughts/beliefs on the reader. Thanks again for your supportive words...
-
-
Hey Mark,
Though not religious, i enjoyed reading this poem. It has power and sincerity. It doesn't force things or preaches, it speaks the heart of a believer and his journey/struggle against sin. And the depiction is not cheezy or shallow it is deep and that alone pulled me in. Each line held me to the very last line. As i write this it lingers. I love how you mentioned the capital sins at the early poem and yet you did so with taste and eye for the poetic. I also enjoyed the image of this weakening knight and yet the desire the pleading to be given strength was a powerful image. Removing all hints of religion, this poem touches on our humanity so clearly. And how at times we struggle to overcome the great adversity even if there is barely anything left to hope for. That core resonated through me. Thank you for such a beautiful poem. The exercise proved worth it.
-iphios -
-
Much appreciated...
Thanks for that great comment. As someone who still has much insecurity and doubt about his "poetic" ability, I truly savor such positive words. While an honest but fair critique shows areas where you need to grow, a comment like this provides me with fuel and support to take that next step. The kind words mean a lot and are very much appreciated... thanks.
-
-
I really like this Mark
Not many religious poems hit a chord with me but this did..I am a religious person just not half as much as I should be, admittingly..
To take two lines and continue on from there is brilliance in creativity to me
This flowed relly well and just had so much to say.Important message I wanted to read
Don't have a suggestion on a title..I like it but ti also could go to something else...just not sure what it is either lol, sorry
The only other thing to me this needs..is a bit of work on the punctuation. seems a little misplaced, in places but perfect in others lol
Maybe it's just me
I enjoyed this read Mark and thank you for sharing something, I think many should read
Cindy
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
-
-
Thanks
Thanks, Cindy! I really appreciate the thoughtful comments. I was a little torn on the punctuation as I went through it myself. I'll keep working at it when I have time. That is one problem with my poetry writing... I finish one off and then I am chomping at the bit to try something else. I need to push myself back to fix the old ones, unless it is an easy quick fix like a typo. I am glad you liked it. With you being one of the poets I have great admiration for on this site, I am thankful to read your thoughts. All my best...
-
-
hey mark
i may not be religious but i liked this supplication. i like people of all faiths provided they are being sincere. i think all faith begins with humility and thats what this was all about.
dave
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
