my eyes surfaced
my hand unfolded
and out rolled you,
my saviour.
i paused and tried
to focus my
million-track mind
toward one solid image,
for one second
and froze on the
blurred lines
of the kitchen floor
and from a
birds eye view
i stood still while
strangers moved,
their hands
in slow motion,
cutting the air thin
as though rearranging
the mood.
my lips, hot and stinging
mimicked a smile and
stretched miles beyond
the red room.
my eyes surfaced
and there was no more
of you.
Author notes
The fact that I use the term 'red room' in this one and the fact that I already have used 'blue room' was done on purpose. This poem is a follow up to the blue room, and about the party that my friend and I went to after her father's death.
The lack of punctuation was also intentional, to show our 'out of it' kind of minds, influenced and coping with such an event.
Comments
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Effectively written...
After reading your comment I saw that you were looking to communicate the a very specific feeling in this poem and I think you have done that quite well. Your intentional lack of punctuation shows me a thinking that goes beyond the words chosen and the form they are set in, and I am impressed by that. As someone who still tries (not always successfully) to use by-the-book punctuation in poems, I know that is something that would personally challenge me I like how well you have done it here. I think you achieved your desired effect on the reader, and that success deserves some applause. Good work...
language: 3, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Thank you, Mark. I appreciate the comment, very much so. And yes, it was a time to be reflected in words, but hardly a time to worry over punctuation.
Kristin
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Nearly great
This really captures the feeling of disconnectedness and isolation you were experiencing. The third stanza is particularly strong and poetic imho.
Not so sure about 'my eyes glazed over', particularly when it is repeated. 'Glazing over' is, I think, a hugely over-used description and hard to visualize, especially when described subjectively as it is here. That is, it's hard enough to visualize it happening someone else, let alone visualize it happening to yourself.
I loved the description of your lips stretching across your teeth in a forced smile ... but I think you over-stretch it in the next line by sending it 'a mile beyond me'. Up to that it was SO physical and identifiable with (wow, now there's some English for you).
So I suppose I'm saying it's generally great but would need some editing before I'd give it an unqualified thumbs up. >W<
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Thanks so much, Windhover. And I'd be more than glad to fix this up.
Love the honesty as usual, hope you're well!
Kristin
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