She plucked a little orchid from its branch
hearing the congested dappling morning sounds below.
In the kitchen through the glass
the sunlight streamed untainted
though the other rooms remained immutable, darkened and somber.
In the instant that her fingers found the bud
she seemed to focus--instinctively--aware
of something inherently opaque
and the sounds disappeared as though a drain plug was pulled.
The waxy petals against her snarly hair
recalled insistently the new and Oriental moon
but with an inconsequential glance and a twitch of her mouth
the soft sounds began again their concert,
blue light creeping across the mirror.
Does this work?
Comments
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For me, Nienna, this is one of your most gossamer-like and fully realized poems, and I like it. It's not an easy poem to break into, but that makes its allure all the more intriguing.
What I feel from its images (plucked, little orchid, bud, plug was pulled, new and Oriental moon, soft sounds, blue light) is a sensual, nearly erotic, surrender to relieving all that "congested dappling morning sounds below" - a richly moving line full of all kinds of emotional and physical implications for me.
Something's been plucked and lost, something even better has begun "creeping across the mirror." NEW has happened, and it's good.
This seems to be an unusual kind of write for you, unpointed and unsubjected, fairly unclear. But for me it all adds up to a flux of strong feelings, and that's why I like it.
Later, Njenna...
Lad -
A fleeting memory?
For me, this poem spoke to the feeling when an innocent moment sparks a wonderful memory withing you for just a moment... a feeling that is both calming and exciting. It truly painted a vibrant picture for me, setting the scene wonderfully. The lasting feel was one of warmth, though, warmth that came from having that special memory released by the orchid. The moon, in my opinion, is a detail captured within that memory... perhaps a night that the speaker spent with a lover? I know I may be way, way off... but that it was the words said to me. I hope I am at least close.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 5.
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This lovely one, Nienna, needs a second and third visit; it's unusually ephemeral for you. I need to think about it. I'll be back. I've opted out of points for now.
Later...
Lad -
An Intense Moment
Nienna, you have created such a stellar moment for your reader. an experience so intense that for a few moments all sounds drained from the the surroundings.
I love the way the reader was invited into the moment sharing the homey experience, one that many of us have shared. The kitcheon bright the rest of the rooms darkened but then you give us the present of this other experience. One that silences us in its purity.
You next simply blow it off with a "twitch of the mouth".
This is a wonderful piece of work.
My only question was how the orchid and moon related.
But I often miss the most obvious.
Eosmia
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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