on the four sides
looking so bright
keeping my mind so light
I love to be here
with these four walls
but why
there are
so many bars
kept in front?
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White washed walls
on the four sides looking so bright keeping my mind so light I love to be here with these four walls but why there are so many bars kept in front?
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Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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I agree with Oldherm on the "there are" vs "are there" thing.
Is the voice (or speaker as everyone else says lol) locked in the cell, but doen't understand why he/she is locked because he/she would want to be there anyway perhaps?
Perhaps spread
"looking so bright
keeping my mind so light"
over more lines, again as Oldherm says (sorry for copying
) it doesn't seem to fit as it is somehow...
just realised i've only been going on about negatives, that wasn't intentional sorry. This is a very interesting poem and I find myself thinking about the position of the voice. a good read, i think that it was right to keep the poem short, it is much punchier than it might otherwise have been.
Tom
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A very good description of nightlife
"Whitewashed"speaks well of a "falsely attractive finish that will not long endure, and "I love to be here" in this attractive, and pleasant place---
The real "kicker is the discovey that the "bars"
(double meaning)are there, creating a "prison of pleasure" I LOVED IT---I would observe only that lines #3 & 4 in the first stz seem to have a sing-song, almost juvenile feel---, and the opening of stz #2 might read better as "why are there"--TYPO ?It's a very good read, but be prepared to deep with it---
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Great
It is very simple and to the point yet has great imagery. It also conveys the feeling of entrapment very well.
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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I do like this quite alot, the simple language really helps give a feel of comfort in simplicity and familiarity. I also like the shortness of each sentence, especially how the poem still manages to describe a situation very well
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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The speaker is a prisoner... isn't he/she?
Very good description/narration. I don't know which type would fit in here. You have described a situation and narrate a small story here...
lovely
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Shocking and interesting.
The unexpected looms large here, all one's expectations about the nature of imprisonment and its effects overturned. A big poem in a little space - perhaps the irony here is intended... well done
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