Lain like a trembling kit in a curl,
All is soft in the dark of the earthen dusk.
It’s not that I'm afraid tonight,
But rather that in childish want
I wish you'd hold me like I was.
So hold the fragile phantom fear
And bring the infant cub close to
Inside the sett’s soft earth.
Save only She who fed me first,
None can make me feel so safe.
But She can’t make my heart sing so,
As will when thoughts call out to you.
Relations against nature break
To overbear that natural relationship.
I run to you in a storm now
And She will never forgive me.
All is soft in the dark of the earthen dusk,
And the cub dreams of you.
Author notes
I guess this is half a love poem and half an apology to my mother. If that makes any sense at all, lol. The thought came to me while I was lying in bed feeling a bit alone and was thinking about the boyfriend, as ya do. Most of the text was written that night by the light of my phone on a notebook I keep by the bed, and it's been edited a bit since, just to neaten up some turns of phrase and repeat the line and start and finish.
It naturally became very alliteration heavy, and I don't think it gets silly at any point, but do say if you find it annoying.
Any comments are greatly appreciated,
iorek
(Oh, and for any nature lovers out there, yes I'm aware that my foxes are in a sett, but foxes are known to occupy abandoned badger setts soo... I figured it's alright to mix my animals)
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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i really liked your poem, you must be like super genius if your at oxford lol so its no wonder your poems are mint lol its a really beautiful peom, sorry there is not much constructiveness to this message lol just thought it tell you i liked it anyway...
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hi Iorek,your intellect is remarkable in my opinion,i feel rather inadequate attempting to comment on your poetry as i know it wont be nearly as constructive as the ones you give so i shall just tell you what i thought of the poem
I had the feeling i was reading shakespeare or classical poetry,if thats the correct terminology,the first line grabbed my attention immediately,i think its majestic
"Lain like a trembling kit in a curl" makes me think of someone who is ashamed and terrified then you folow up with "all is soft in the dark of the earthen night" which makes me think something pretty terrible is about to happen..once you capitalize She and mention the first one to feed you then its obvious you are referring to your mother,but you are dreading her reaction after you tell her what you have been hiding from her,i wouldn`t have guessed it was about your sexuality if i hadnt read your authors note
There is couple of lines that dont seem to flow as well as the others for me,
But She can`t make my heart reach so,
As does when thought call out to you.
maybe it`s the "As does" that feels awkward to me...i`m being over critical here i think,the poem is fabulous,simple as that
rhet
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Hmm.
Thank you very much for your comments. This is a poem which is, I suppose, in "the endgame". A lot of my poems are still quite fluid and I'm good with revising them pretty extensively, but this one feels mostly "right". That of course makes it much harder to get it that last distance as I'm far more resistant to altering anything.
Thank you for pointing out the "as does". That was one of those bits which worked perfectly fine as it was, but I think, as you put it so well, just didn't flow quite as well as the others. I've made a few minor changes, and I'll review them again in the morning in case I feel that I've made things worse.
I find it very curious that as soon as people realise I'm gay, they reinterpret this poem entirely, and, i suppose, do so wrongly. There is the reference to "relations against nature" obviously, but really I'm just trying to play off the ideas of the natural bond of a mother and son against the artificial bond of a person and lover. This poem is not (and I can understand how you would interpret it this wy) about difficulties regarding sexuality or coming out, but entirely about the fact that I've... replaced my mother, i suppose. If I'm upset and need a hug I don't want my mum, I want my fiance. And that is what i mean when I say "I run to you in a storm now / And she will never forgive me", because it's a form of betrayal, or replacement, no matter how amicable it is.
But, I guess as so many people see the alternate reading in the text, it must be there, so who am I to say that it's "wrong"? lol
Thank you so much. Your thoughtful comment has helped me move the poem forward, and I can't ever hope for more than that,
Chris
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Interesting
I like the way you painted this picture. This was a nice way of showing how many still disire the mothering they outgrow. Personally I don't like to start lines with And or But unless needed to connect the line to the previous line or add a needed line beat. I think most of these lines could stand alone. Good job.
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Hey,
Thanks for the thoughtful comment, you've prompted a slight edit.
I really do sympathise with the general squeemishness regarding ands and buts, and it's probably a reaction to poets littering every other line with an "and". But that said there is a reason why they exist in the language and sometimes they're important. The "But" in line 4 is needed to naturally change the tracck of the thought, and the "and" in line 7 is important to the rhythm, as I don't want two stand-alone imperatives, because they end up sounding too expansive and proclamation-like.
While it's perfectly true that most of the uses of "and" and "but" within the poem could be removed without making it nonsensical, I don't think that that is always the best criteria upon which to judge their worth, because if they were removed the poem would definitely be saying something subtly different, and in a slightly different way.
Nonetheless you have prompted an edit, as the "and" in line 14 was pretty superfluous. There is one less of them in the world now
All the best,
iorek
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Excellent
Very warm and tender. The first stanza invites us in so nicely and bids us stay. The idea is great and the way you developed it was
great, excellent metaphors.
This is a real keeper.
Thanks for sharing.
The title, fist and last line could not be improved IMHO
Perfect as is.
Rich
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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This is great work, you've done a fantastic job delivering your emotions.
Cheers.
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A real good title... One’s rumination over mother’s love, care and protection is clearly penned here in the first stanza. I loved the way the speaker wants to get the maternal protection back. ‘Save only she who fed me first’ – beautiful line, I loved it. It’s true that none can make us feel more comfortable and safe, but a mother. Relationship against nature break – Relationship, to mankind, is made by man himself. And being a cub, the speaker is a delicate darling, a fragile infant who is worried about what She doesn’t like. A profound subject, very good write. Thanks for sharing.
I wonder how I missed this beautiful piece for a long time.
Love
Kiddy
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It was beautiful. Much thought was put into its creation
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 2.
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This is a wonderful and touching poem,Iorek. Isn't it amazing how deep our thoughts reach into the kernel of consciousness during this twilight hour while waiting for sleep? Profound feelings and insight do rather not join us during the hustle and bustle of the day. Your poem makes the comparison part a balance between past and presence and you expressed it all in a way of classic phrasing. Awesome really and much emotion between the lines. Thanks for sharing. Ulla
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Fine Olde English
Hi Iorek. Just looked in to check this out and was glad I did so. I think you handled a delicate subject rather finely here and got the point across well. Many more than you imagine will relate very directly to this I'm sure. I wondered about its tendency towarde 'Olde' English and almost Shakespearean language 'betimes'. I felt it more hindered than helped the poem for the main part but I sense you wanted to it be 'retro' for your own reasons.
I loved 'all is soft in the dark of the earthen night' and that you repeated it, and I thought the alliteration was enchanting and balanced. Good Write. >W<
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Lovely
"Save only She who fed me first, None can make me feel so safe" is a beautiful line about the kind of comfort a mother provides. I thought this poem was really beautiful. I love the relationship you so naturally allude to- between yourself and your mother and the comparrision of that kind of love to that you have for a lover.
nice work!
-Julie -
Very Natural
Very endearing write. I thought the comparison between mother and child; fox mother an cub verybeautiful and shows that in basic things we share quite a lot with our mammal brothers and sisters. A very tender-hearted poem.
I enjoyed it immensely.
Technically well-written, nice imagery.
~Richlanguage: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Direct and Personal in a Subtle Way.
Hi Iorek. Beautiful title and I like the way you interlace two themes concerning dear old Mum and the aspects of your life about which she doesn´t seem to approve.
Of course there should be nothing to apologise about for being gay (actually I didn´t realize you were before your notes now - not that it matters) but a Mother´s Love is a kind of holy grail to strive for - I´ve become sub-consciously aware of this upon the occasions I myself have proved a disappointment to Mater! Thus your points are wholly salient in regard to reality.
Cub denotes vulnerability, both as son and lover and is finely juxtaposed by the capital in She.
Pedantry following:
Maybe cut out "the" before earthen for rhythm sake.
Why `fraid and not afraid?
Line 5 is enchanting for all its simplicity.
Line 8. Alternative for "earth" since you applied "earthen" earlier? Soil/loam/dirt/clay etc or what about "hearth" denoting sanctuary and warmth?
"Cannot" in place of "can´t"
Stanza 2, line 4: Cut out "does" ? Superfluous.
Good lines! 5-8.
2nd to final line: I hear "below" after "soft" but maybe not.
Good ending.
Nice one Iorek. Glad your exams haven´t ruined your poetic mind! heheh
Warmest regards
gG
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