Fading navy sky,
freshly kissed by Apollo,
sparrows sing your song.
Creeping gray shadows,
mark fleeting arrows of light.
Jays fly for shelter.
Pervasive darkness
swallows all mortal creatures.
Owl scans for victims.
Birds of a feather
reveal heavenly cycles
nested into Earth.
Author notes
This really grew step by step. I went to try some more haiku, aiming to put a few varied attempts together in a collection (like "Hopefully Haiku" in my archive, my initial attempt). Then I thought about putting 3 together in a theme: morning, afternoon, and night. After using sparrows in the first one, I sort of challenged myself to keep 'birds' a constant in each. Then, I had three, and felt like it needed something at the end to tie it together. Let me know what you think. I hope it fits with Haiku (last time I strayed from nature and got more into Senryu), and I hope it resonates in some meaningful way.
Note: I was going to chage "owl", thinking it was 2 syllables. This time, however, Cindy's Syllable Counter worked in my favor, claiming it is one, so I left it.
So... what do you think?
Comments
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Hello. Still new around here. I like Haiku. But I think some words you use here are too "leading" and unnatural for a haiku. Like "pervasive" and "mortal." Also I think haiku attempts a simplicity that does not tend to lay out morality or judgment, but feels more like an entrance into a moment of wonder. I could be wrong. Sorry if I sound too blunt
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This is perfect in everyway Mark
Perfect to the form--5--7--5 syllables
Great nature inclusions..Wonderful beautiful imagery
coming through to me the reader, so well..
I dont want to find something wrong with a poem....and well YAY I didn't find anything....juts perfect to me and I enjoyed the whole package..it did have a start middle and end finish to it
Cindy
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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