Utopia
Turquoise green and blue painted watercolours.
Chestnut green mountain canvas,
nature’s brush exceeds man’s.
Tumbling,
gushing, crystal effusions
playing,
splashing,
children of the colours.
Forming reforming,
never stopping.
Touching this Utopia,
then ever onward.
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Um I don't know speak the truth lol :)
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Lovely picture and poem.
Would love to wander about there, and almost can, reading your discriptive piece. Nice.
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Thanks DB, I feel in love with the pic when I saw it
Cindy
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First and foremost, I love this line!
"nature’s brush exceeds man’s"
Awesome... just awesome.
I like the language in this poem as a whole, Cindy. It not only paints the picture but gives you a sense of the sounds and organized chaos of this place, as well. Very descriptive, but each description also maximizes it value, too. There doesn't seem to be any word that is just "thrown in" there. Everything seems so well placed for the desired effect.
The one stumbling black I run into is reading it as one poem. With the longer lines at the beginning, then the shorter ones, I find myself reading it almost like two separate poems. I am nearly certain this in my reading, and not your writing, though. I can see the effect it can and should have. I understand why it would work and like the idea. I just struggle to put it into mental practice. I do the same with my writing. I have to fight the urge for overwhelming consistency at times. I feel that if one stanza is 5 lines, they ALL must be 5 lines. Or if most lines are a certain length or beat, they all must match. It is one of my little personal demons, I guess. So... I point this out not to suggest it is a flaw in any way at all... more of a clarification of why I may not have as much detailed commentary as I like to have.
Very strong and creative writing, Cindy. I like it a lot, and I will give it a few more reads before I sleep tonight in hopes that I can conquer this mental block. Thanks for sharing, and sorry for rambling on like this!
. Rewarded 8
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Thaanks Mark
I do get where your coming from..and I am one who spends so much time on the structure and how it reads aloud etc lol
I ama happy with the strcutre..I dont get the feel of what your saying even from reading it again now lol...so maybe it is you
I'm joking, lol..sometimes it just doesnt come across to each reader, the same etc...
But yeah like you said maybe another read or two or something..
NotTheDroids wrote this with me, that was his line..nature's brush exceeds man's..And I love it too lol
Thanks for a great comment I appreciate how much you put into your comments Mark
Cindy
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hey cindy
i agree with mark about the natures brush exceeds man's is a very provocative line, but nature poems just don't turn me on...where's the erotica?
dave. Rewarded 4
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Thanks Dave
Well gee's wot ya wnt me to say to that lol
I guess I'm not all about erotica..but be patient I have one in the works won't be long
Thanks stopping in anyway Dave
CIn
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It did the same for me tooo, reminded how beautiful daydreaming is, and fun too
I fell so in love with the pic when I saw it..how could works not be inspired from it
Thanks for a great comment
Cindy -
If there's any great example of onomatopoeia - words sounding like what they signify - this little gem of a poem is IT. Nice work, Cindy. It's the kind of rich and lush and nearly mystical scene that I can practically see and smell and wallow in. I splashed around in all of its lines, but "children of the colours" has got to be my favorite, it's a very fine poetic image for me.
Just a thought: the poem is so dramatically detailed that the final line seems a bit weak, maybe too grand. I wonder (a mere suggestion) if changing "Touching" to "Touch" would add some drama to that final line in keeping with the detailed drama of the whole poem; it might add a tone of the poet speaking to the reader, to dare the reader to be involved in the scene. Up to you, of course, Cindylicious!
Later...
Lad. Rewarded 8
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Hey Cindy!
Love how you made water come alive as children playing. “Tumbling, playing, spashing...” I can see some of your (many spaces between stanzas) trademark here. Very relaxing read that makes me want to order an exotic vacation somewhere with waterfalls!
Great read Cindy!
Bill
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Hey Cindy-Licious
Hey there girl, awesome stuff ya got here, just blew me away. If that picture wasn't there I could easily see this in my head. I often day dream about my own private utopia, where everything is great. Mine looks and sounds quite like this one so it definately hit home with me. Thanks for sharing such a lovely contest entry. And if you could please tell me where these contests are held I'd love to be able to check some of them out. So if you have the time some day could you please drop me a line and let me know where to go. Thanks a bunch Cind-ay! lol
Sherry L.K.
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Hey Darl
Thanks for such a great comment
I will send you a message, tell you bout it etc
Talk soon
Cindy
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Hey Cin'
As you already know I'm a big fan. This poem here is just another testament why. You somehow take pictures and almost everytime you make the words better than the image. I'm sorry to say the picture wins in this one but that's a first. Ya just can't beat the creator of nature. But I thought you put up a pretty damn good fight. You and NTD seem to have a really good thing goin and it's showing in your writing. The picture's just too beautiful, but you're the one who titled it Utopia, so I don't think you could have had a picture on here if it wasn't something that matched the beauty of this one, or if possible surpass it. Off the picture now, the poem was great. I think the imagery was hurt a little by the picture, but all in all I really enjoyed this poem. Another beautiful job well done. What surprises me the most is that these are for contests, usually restrictions on writing produce crap, but it just goes to show with a good writer anything can happen. Congrats on a job well done.
TTYL Your Friend,
MM
. Rewarded 8
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Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
Thanks MM
Your comments always make my day
Cin
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I love the immagery and the use of the words to depict the beauty and its impzct as well..thought the choice of words is little tricky but in depth it add the color in the write itself..I love this write..just beautiful indeed...
. Rewarded 4
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Thank you so much
Cindy
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Rolling and Tumbling!
I love nature poems and you captured some very good imagery here. In the first verse, I like the line, "nature's brush exceeds man's." The second verse expresses the movement of water quite well and gives the poem a feeling of liveliness; "children of the colours" is an especially good metaphor here. The only suggestion I'd make at this time would be to read it out loud so you can get a sense of where you might change some of the punctuation in order to improve the poem's flow. Dannan
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I love nature poems too, reading & writing them
Thank you for your suggestion..I do read my poems aloud for that reason etc..I ma pretty happy with it..But I do thank you
Cindy
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March 3, 2008