I cannot help but stare
as your venomous form,
flaunting ancient beauty,
graces this sawdust laden floor.
Country twangs and dollar drafts
have drawn your sorcery here,
from Athena's mighty temple
to the dark, dismal din
of Hector's Roadside Saloon.
From this lonely shadowed stool
I crave you,
yearn for you,
but mostly just admire you,
as you sway to your personal delight,
painted in faded blue denim
and revealing white blouse.
Do you even know
the magic you possess?
The power you hold
over mortal men like me...
men locked in longneck contracts,
still clawing at foggy, ill-used youth?
Far from your beheaded mother,
you’ve somehow carried on.
Erasing painful, stinging wounds
forced upon you by godly hands,
you refused to take that fall.
Now seductive serpents of golden light
slither around your neck,
hissing your coy and natural tune,
covertly promoting perfect curves
of unearthly, flawless design.
Your beauty persists,
it mesmerizes,
it conquers without fear.
For the moment our eyes meet,
when your icy blue twinkle
teases my bloodshot gaze,
this entire being is turned to stone.
I am breathing no more.
Only my hopes,
my wild delusions,
my boyish fantasies of love,
give life to your helpless prey…
And then you move on,
not a care in the world,
and I swallow some mournful beer.
Author notes
The idea hit me around 3AM last night when I couldn't sleep and I carried it around with me all day at work, waiting to let it out. I've been working at it for quite a bit now. I am not convinced it is great, but it is as good as it is going to get for now. I was wary of taking Medusa and using her as a woman of captivating beauty, but upon doing a little research I learned that she actually was a beautiful woman, until she was raped by Poseidon and punished by Athena... thus becoming the ugly monster more familiar to us. So, I tried to get that in here, as well as a few other Greek references. Another one of those poems... if you ever told me I'd write about ancient Greek myths and dark country bars in the same poem, I'd have thought you were nuts... but crazy things happen on sleepless Sunday nights, I guess. I hope you enoy, and all suggestions for improvement are welcome (as always).
So... what do you think?
Comments
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brilliant
i really enjoyed this and i just love it. i can't really think of any way to improve it at all! i particularly like the line "when your icy blue twinkle
teases my bloodshot gaze" and "mournful beer", becasue they are interesting images that i can really understand.
well done, i really like it!
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Thanks, lostvirtue, for reading this and offering such kind praise. It is sincerely appreciated. All my best to you and yours...
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I'm slightly intimidated by this poem, but let me see that it is really a mesmerizing read. The title caught my eye, being a fan of Greek Myth, and the concept works wonders. Your tone is perfect for the form. I like that you keep removing blame from this fantastic creature, and instead acknowledging it is your own faults which make you prey. That's just my interpretation, of course. Your fourth stanza highlights my point, in your narrator's critique of himself. I think it's interesting too that you choose to make this modern Medusa a creature which carries her mother's cursed form and not the initial beauty she had possessed. Yet your narrator is still intoxicated by her beauty. You comment on the modern man as still a simple beast, falling for the same traps of long ago. I could go in a million directions with interpretation, but it would be to no avail. This is great though. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Thank you so much for taking time to read this piece and offer such wonderful comments. Your feedback is greatly appreciated and I enjoyed reading your interpretation of this one. I enjoyed writing it too! Thanks again!
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Mark, first off, regrets on missing some of your latest pieces; I've been off the site much more than usual lately, but I'll do my best to catch up - you've been prolific lately, and that's neat to see.
I like the plaintive and yearning "boyish" tone and texture of this hallucination while downing spirits at Hector's bar.
And the poem does indeed bring Medusa up to date with her reincarnated seductiveness in "faded blue denim / and revealing white blouse..." Using a couple parts for the whole is always a strong technique in a poem, and you pulled it off sharply here for me to enjoy. "hissing your coy and natural tune" is another part for the whole, and, for me, it captures in six words all the serpentine allure of this vision of delight.
The poem also has a move-along, narrative feel to it; it doesn't stay in one spot, but it slithers(!) half-drunkenly to the poet's loss - seems the most beautiful ones always "move on", leaving a poor guy nothing but a few more swallows, "mournful"ly.
Nifty visioning in this one, Mark. I know the feeling well!
Later...
Lad -
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Hey Lad. First of all, no need at all for any apology on not keeping up with my poems. The wealth of feedback you've given me over the past year or so has been invaluable, and I am always grateful for the reviews. In this case in particular, your comments are quite supportive. Looking at the spectrum of reaction to this one, I was torn as to whether or not the mythological tone was played too heavily or not. Each opinion on both sides of that debate is very helpful, so I am glad you have added yours to the mix. I am also a bit proud of the "techniques" I used... even though I really do it somewhat subconciously. I will often write things and people put out a technique, but I have never really said to myself "I plan to use this technique". I do sometimes aim for a certain form, such as the haiku or nonet, but aside from that I just sort of let it flow. Having feedback such as this, however, pointing out that effective writing techniques really do emerge as part of that flow, is so meaningful. It is deeply appreciated, as always, and I wish you and yours all the best.
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Amazing!!!! I loved your references to Greek Mythology. I am always drawn to poems such as this that touch on the dark and danger of femininity and the immense power that we can have as women.
As to the form and language, I like the straightforward words, because you draw the reader in and we can identify with the story. There are different themes in the poem, the fall from grace or the thought that this star has fallen from grace and therefore he has a chance ( I saw that in lines 7 and 8, leaving Athena's mighty palace and descending upon a lowly bar mixing with mere mortals). The last few lines are really strong as they sum up the whole scene/the story. I loved the underlying depth of the story.
Very strong writing.
language: 5, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 4.
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Thanks so much for this very supportive comment. It means a lot to me as I continue in my writing efforts. It is interesting how much you enjoy the use of mythology while Plumeister notes he'd prefer it be in the background. It makes me think that having two different versions of the same poem might be cool... one putting the mythology metaphor up front, the other putting the lady up front. Maybe even work with another poet on a partnership effort. Hmmm... food for thought. Thanks for the kind words and thanks for getting the brain storm rolling in my mind.
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I thought there was more at play, here...
you looked away instead of looking a hottie in the face because you were afraid you'd turn to stone, or so the metaphor seemed to say. I didn't at all feel like this was an exercise as I read it and wouldn't have known it except for your notes, Mark. This seemed a well-done metaphor on the ol' gettin' up the guts to go after that love seen from afar. You seemed far too involved in the description of this woman to have it not be real, or so it seemed. I could feel you really diggin' on this chick. I felt your longing to talk to this woman and get to know her, but then shooting yourself down and looking away as she looked your way. Personally, I always preferred the woman to do the shooting on me, so I'd look. When I was a single young man, one of my most favorite things in the world was to return that gaze unabashed and just keep lookin'. I always got a kick out of it as women seem to expect you to look away and when you don't, they don't know what to do with themselves. It was a hoot to watch them fidget and become offended at my crass ogling. I'd keep looking and approach them, and...I was shot down many times. Perhaps I should have gone after easier pickin's but I kept pluggin' and finally found a woman to take pity on me and reward my efforts with some feminine attention. Thank goodness my wife is such a compassionate woman or I'd still be lonely.
Now, that said, I thought the poem would be better if focused on the natural, rather than the supernatural. I've no desire to read about some scaly wench who delights in turning men to stone, but I've always enjoyed poems about love, and relationships and the challenges therein. More faded denim and revealing blouse, less serpents and hissing. But that's just my preference. The allusion to medusa is cool and all,but I think it should play in the back ground more than the foreground. Maybe just a slight allusion to this stoney-eyed wench. But that's just me. And also, maybe a little something more about how you were turned to stone by her gaze. I like the metaphor of being frozen by beauty and wanted to read more on it.
I thought it was good, Mark. But less hissssssss, and more Miss, if you would please?
al
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Thanks for the great comment. I really appreciate the honest feedback, with praise and constructive advice mixed in. I totally understand what you mean and can relate to the preference myself. I see how it could work well by putting that focus more on the natural. I also have to say how much I enjoy some of the words you includeded in this comment... "scaly wench" is just priceless. Thanks again for being so supportive but also giving me some good food for thought as I keep writing. All my best to you and yours....
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Some powerful words here Mark..a story within the poem that flowed so smoothly to...a great rhythm to your wording and placement of them
Strong words to me -- venomous..crave..yearn..
This staanza by far stoof out the most for me...taking me back to thoughts of a piece I wrote called the temptress..
Do you even know
the magic you possess?
The power you hold
over mortal men like me...
men locked in longneck contracts,
still clawing at foggy, ill-used youth?
This poem has a great depth to the words and I love the inclusion of greek references...and I didn't know that bout Medusa etc ...so am glad your notes where there
I dont have any improvement suggestions lol..might be my still waking up brain, so I will come back again later & take another look...But to me its complete..a poetic package
Cindy -
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I am glad you liked it, Cindy! It was frustrating in a way because I was holding on to it all day, eager to write it, and then it took a lot longer than I thought before I felt okay with it. The time was well spent, however. Thanks again for the thoughtful and thorough comments. I'd be lost without them so I am filled with gratitude. Enjoy your two day break! I have my three day trip to Colonial Williamsburg but, since it is with the 4th graders, it is ALL work and very little "break". I am going away in June, though, and then living on a Native American Reservation for four days this summer... so that will be cool. I am betting I will have LOTS of inspiration while relaxing in my tipi on the reservation. It will be cool. Okay... I am rambling again. lol Thanks!
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