march blizzard
mother nature a caffeined lioness bitch
four clawed feet mount drifts in the driveway
snarls spew nasty spittings at hairs under underwear
snowblower chokes its last gas
shovel huff lift gasp
hot heart attack
"eat my shorts
you mother
...
..
.
!
"
corpse
A quick poem, nothing major, but experimenting with the style of W.S. Merwin, one of my fave poets. Suggestions are welcome.
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Hey Lad
wasn't quite sure exactly what this poem was about, I don't think it was just about one thing. First I thought shoveling snow, but then I got confused, then you brought your mother into it lol. Sounds like the snowblower wasn't working and ya had t"o do it yourself, got hurt in the process, sounds like a back injury. Very painful. And then you cursed screaming something like "Son of a bitch" but from the poem I guess it was some other curse. And then maybe, just maybe you threw your shovel down, or put it away nicely lol, and went into the house, hence the ending with "bye". Or you could be saying so long to the snow that had once covered your property. But who knows except for you, maybe if ya left some more detail in the author notes I wouldnt have to sit here and guess, acting like a fool rambling on and on about shoveling snow LoL. Anyways like I said, always a pleasure to read one of your works. I'm thankful for you commenting on "Lament For Edie" it's one of my fav's that i've written lately so thank you very much. A very neat poem you've written here indeed, though I don't know what it's about. hahahahah
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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Hey, Marcus, thanks for such an honest reply. You're absolutely right: the little thing needed some fixing, which I just did. I think it'll read lots clearer now; might even make some sense!
It's a very minor, quick poem for sure, just an exasperated shout at this sudden winter blast here in Cleveland. Haven't seen this fierce a windy snow in several years. Oi vey!!
Later...
Lad
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Lad
Neat style
Do not remember what it's called
Does one have to count one's words or syllables
Icy lioness bitch and shovel huff lift gasp are first rate
Clever but at your age
Give it up
Pay Kid
What
Is
Youth
For?
Love ya,
Eosmia
ps What does "claw up high in the driveway" mean?. Rewarded 6
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Jeosmia, thanks for liking this little bit of near nothing. I took a cue on style from W.S. Merwin, one of my favorite poets. Your comment made me rethink and rewrite a few phrases in the poem; better now, I think.
After fifteen minutes of shoveling, Wayne rescued me, and for the next FIVE hours cleared all the white stuff out while I made some tomato soup and toasted cheese sandwiches for us. To quote Porter: It's so nice to have a man around the house..."
Luvya.
L
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wat type of mad dog is u writing about bo crazy stuff there
lol
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Thanks, OPMatt. Yup, it IS a bit of a crazy dawg poem! It's got my joking frustration with a March blizzard we just got up here in Cleveland, with 5 feet of snow. The shoveling made me fantasize about screaming a final curse at mother nature in her worst mood, with me dead as a corpse from shoveling. Get it now? Just some poetic fun is all it was. Sometimes I like to just play around in a poem, rather than always writing something heavy and serious. Glad you stopped by for a read, my friend.
Later...
Lad
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Relieved You Haven´t "Shovelled Off This Mortal Coil", Lad!
By straining yourself with snow removal! Whew I could feel your gasping exertion through this enervating (in a good way) epitaph - almost broke into a sweat myself even though the most exhausting thing I´m doing right now is tapping these keys and repressing the guilt of delaying all the things I OUGHT to be doing!
I can´t recall reading any WS Merwin, I gather he´s a contempory poet. I shall google and check him out. Any fave of yours Lad is bound to be rewarding.
Laughing at your potent description of Mater Nature!
Cheers
gG
PS:Thank Goddess it´s raining and the snow is washing away of its own accord in my driveway!
Gathered you aren´t too fond of the applause so I´ll refrain but please consider this a 3.. Rewarded 8
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Ah, thanks a million, gG, for seeing this little poem just as it was intended, quickly, as a fantasy joke on myself while shoveling several feet of snow.
As for Merwin, he's a fine American poet, writing several volumes for over 30 years; he got the Pulitzer for poetry twice, the last one about three years ago. His work is generally more somber than my ditty here, but his style is intruiguing and generally delves into those mysterious interspaces of life, each line a strange statement of feeling. Wonderful poet; if you look him up, I don't think you'll be disappointed.
Cheers...and get busy, you slouch, on that driveway!
Lad
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Angry... are u? Well, One thing is certain, I will never face the frustration that you do in the tropical city that I live in. And as for the poem, it does seem pretty quick as you mention. The frustration, though pretty vehement, is a bit directionless. Its as good a quick read as a quick write would be.
. Rewarded 6
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Thanks for stopping by, HM. Well, the poem is merely a poetic joke and a fantasy, which I think you missed. Sometimes I like to play around mischievously with a poem, rather than always writing something heavy duty. And those types of joke poems seem to come off best when they're quickly written. Take care and enjoy the tropics!
Later...
Lad
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good one Lad...
it's good to see you here, and many other places, experimenting wih form. The first part of this did remind me of Merwin, and then Frank O'Hara stepped in and gave it some juice. I go way back with Merwin. One of his I always use as an example of one of the shortest poems in existence is:
"Men
until they enter that building."
I could see Merwin rendering yours as:
'March blizzard.
corpse.'
I'm not arguing it's not Merwin. I love that you took off from him, but your own style and phrasings joined with him and created a jewel. It does look like one. Cheers - MJ. Rewarded 8
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Many thanks, Rich. Merwin's work has fascinated me for over 25 years with his probings, line by odd line, into those mysterious spaces in life's seldom looked-at cracks. I'm glad you're a fan, too. And I know the poem you quoted; great lines and typical of him. I'll be working more on that style, while, as you nicely say, keeping my own turns and phrasings.
And, you're right, didn't even notice it myself: Frank O'Hara's voice crept in there, too, with some guts. A friend just gave me a CD of about 30 of the Beats reading their own stuff; O'Hara's on it, and I love the guy.
Cheers back...
Lad
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Cyclonic
Lad, this totally works for me. The first thing is obviously the shape. I'm not the greatest fan of this working with form but it SO works here.Your little twister is perfect for the subject and mood of the poem. Loved how the out-of-gas blower gasped its last just as the writer was about to do! Very clever all round.
One small suggestion. Would hyphenating 'spew-nasty' help the flow?
Typically fine write. >W<. Rewarded 8
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John, good to hear that you like this quickspun ditty. No kidding, the damned blizzard was even worse than in the poem. After about 15 minutes of snowblowing and shoveling 5-foot drifts, my chest started complaining. Screw it. Let it melt, but my imagination went a bit further.
Thanks for a great comment. Your thought about 'spew-nasty' is a good one; I might do that change after I let the poem rest for a couple more days, like me...
Cheers and later...
Lad
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So enjoyable...
The structure is pretty cool. To me it looks more like a tornado than a blizzard, but the effect is there! The shrinking lines and language work very well in sync to build frustration. The reader is not simply being told "I am getting frustrated" but they can actually sense it with each line. The lines get shorter and the power builds... that is pretty cool! Good work...
. Rewarded 8
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Hi, Mark, and thanks for checking in on this bit of surreal imagination while I was shoveling the high drifts of snow the other day. The whole poem, a minor one for sure, is just a surrealistic joke on myself, cursing mother nature, then dying. Sometimes it's fun to write a quick and humorous impression of things, instead of always writing heavy-duty stuff. Glad you liked it!
Later, of course...
Lad
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hello
hi my name is jason. a guy named marcus told me that you were one of his favorite writers on here and told me that I should look at your stuff. I liked this poem here. Idk if i understood it. but it looks neat. I like the form you used, cool style. You were shoveling right? well anyways i'll be checking out some more of your work. now that I see more and more stuff i'm realizing that im gonna have to do alot more work before i post anything on here. hahaha
nice meeting you.
peace
jay
. Rewarded 8
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Hi, jason, and many thanks for reading and commenting on this little ditty about being in a blizzard and having to snowblow, then try to shovel four-foot-high drifts of snow. I could feel my chest beginning to pain up, so my imagination took me to a heart attack and my final words to mother nature: "Eat my shorts!" just before I died, a corpse. That's the meaning of the poem, jason, and of course it's all a joke in my head. Glad you liked it.
Marcus is a good guy, and it's an honor that he mentioned me to you. I'll be checking out your poems asap! Again, thanks.
Later...
Lad
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Hey Lad,
thought i'd drop in. How r u doing ? Well this piece is rather interesting. I have never read W.S. Merwin (though now i might) ... and this style of writing is completely new to me. But i love it nevertheless. Its rather difficult to understand the meaning when you read it once or twice ... i got it when i read it the third time. Humour !!! ... i also loved how you shrunk the lines as u progressed. It rather adds to the whole 'feel' of the poem. Good job sir
Abhi. Rewarded 8
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Abhi, it's good to hear from you. And thanks for staying with this odd little poem for several readings until the humor finally came through. That's what I hoped for in this one. And I'm glad you noticed the format of it, too. Good of you to comment so kindly.
I'll be returning the favor asap.
Later...
Lad
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Its not nice to fool Mother Nature!
You got a lot of balls to curse Mother Nature in writing. Maybe she saw this storm within you and made the external weather to fit your disposition.(LOL)
Great read Lad, nothing I would dare write.
Bill
. Rewarded 4
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Great comment, Bill. Yeh, I took fate in my shoveling hands to write this one against Mommy Nature. Like a fool, I'm now in the process of writing one up that takes on "God" - I'll either go down in snow or in flames, but it'll be worth it!
Thanks as always and...Later...
Lad
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Hey, Lad
A quick poem, maybe, but this is the naked truth.
I thought something similar when we had a snow storm here...I thought, 'It's March! Spring's supposed to be coming for the love of *bleep*!'
As far as its structure, well, I simply love it. Each word that you couple together forms a tight concept. Alliteration and rhyme certainly helps this happen, and I actually feel your annoyance and anger. For as short as this is, it remains effective.
Now, the only part I am a tad unclear about is the ending, the last word. I imagine you shaking your fist at Mother and the nasty weather and then when the word 'corpse' comes I assumed you were trying to say you keeled over. Perhaps this has to do with cursing Mother in the first place, perhaps it also has to do with how pissed you were that the weather was still so unbelievably terrible. Perhaps I'm completely off!
Anyway, nicely done, Lad. I enjoyed the read.
Kristin
. Rewarded 8
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Hi, Kristin, and thanks for such a cool (meaning 'bad', meaning 'good') comment on this ditty to mother nature's nastiness. As always, you not only dig into the theme, but you draw out the structures and phrases of a poem - and I'm glad you liked all of that.
And that "corpse" - it follows along after "hot heart attack..." from shoveling. Now, what's to be kindly said about a poet who imagines his own snowy death? Help! I'm not well in mind...especially when I have to contend with blizzards!
Again, thanks for the read and great comment. I've been off the site, purposely, for over a week to get some distance from it all - it's like a vacation. When I come back fully again, I'll be all over anything new from you, one of my favorite poets.
Later...
Lad -
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Speaking of weather, it has been nice here the past couple of days. (Hope I'm not rubbing salt in wounds here, Lad) It's warmer, sunnier and that changes my mood as well. I feel more alive.
Darkness and cold can get depressing.
And I've had a little vacation myself. In a lot of ways, it's still going on. I do understand that it is needed. Have to give yourself a break and at the same time, live and go out and about, to get more insight on what to write about. Suppose it works both ways.
Have a blast renewing yourself,
Kristin
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HEY HEY
Hey there lad, what's up? At first I thought I knew this was about the winter and a blizzard, but I thought you were talking about running a lawn mower over a cat or some other type of animal. Just goes to show how much I know about poetry and how I interpret things. But I read some others' comments and I think I have a better grasp on things. I didn't undeerstand the end with the punctuation but that's you're poem so if ya could please explain it would mean wonders to me. thanks alot. In all I thought this was a good poem, and like sareasa said I'm pissed that there's still snow out there when it's springtime!!! I mean c'mon man, damn. but to me it was a good write Lad, it was def. my pleasure to read such a peice. thank you
peace out
Jay
(I have no Silent Bo
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Hi, Jason, and many thanks for trying to get something out of this surreal little poem about shoveling snow, imagining getting a heart attack, cursing mommy nature as a mother(fucker) and me dying down to being a...corpse.
I used the punctuation of ..., then .., then ., then !, then the final quotation marks to what I screamed in order to point the poem down to me being dead. Just playing around with not only words but with punctuation, too. I like the fun of poetry, not always trying to write something heavy-duty. Hey, glad you stuck around it and got some crazy meaning out of it. You're a good pal to have around!!
Later...and peace out to you, my poetic friend - I'll be checking into your page very soon.
Lad
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what a sharp eye you have Lad.
..there's a whole Mid-West life-story in these few, very decorative lines. I love its economy and spaciousness, very cool (all puns intended.) Best RA. Rewarded 4
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Hey, river-a, thanks for the read and for feeling the cold of this diatribe against mommy nature, envisioning my demise while shoveling the snow. Very cool comment!
I haven't been on the site nearly as often as previous, so I may have missed any of your newer stuff. I'll be checking it out asap.
Later...
Lad
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That's a really cool short poem. The style keeps things interesting. I read it and it felt very "crisp" if you know what i mean. I don't really know how else to describe it.
I've always been meaning to ask you this Lad but who is that a picture of as your profile pic? Haha strange that I don't know after all this time.
marcusmoore
March 8, 2008