The setting was for tea and chatter
A sip of the first, a taste of the latter.
For choice of subject it did not matter,
What was for lunch, who’s gotten fatter?
To my amazement a thought profound
Fell from my lips and nearly drowned.
In distaste and horror all looked ‘round,
A pariah in sackcloth by nettles crowned.
My hostess was too stunned to try
With silvery laughter, ease this by.
I prayed to my teacup, “Oh God, Why?”
Under flowerpot hats lips whispered,
“My, my, my…”
Abandoned as a calfless cow,
I've never quite lived down this row.
The postman brings no invites now,
But I think great thoughts and get by…
Somehow.
Does anyone else resort to this kind of thing when bored?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Sometimes, well, every rare now and then, boredom can be the mother of invention, and this fine ditty is inventive as all get-out. Love the sing-songy meters and the rhyming, just right for a major faux-pas at a tea and "lunch"eon with oh-so-proper ladies "under flowerpot hats" and their "my, my, my"s...
Oh yeh, it only takes one of those blurted out "thoughts so profound" to get stony stares that pound you under water to drown; I've been there a thousand times, and this poem is a gentle way to come up for air. You've scened all the details perfectly. Sharp eye...and heart.
You might want to consider the secondlast line as:
"But I think great thoughts, sigh and get by..." - which would put the first beat on "think" and which maybe could strengthen that final and fine "Somehow." Just the merest suggestion, J.
And perhaps "I have never quite lived down this row." could get four beats more clearly into the line, the first beat on that all-important and strong "I".
Disregard those two thoughts at will, because, even just as is, I always like a good poet's little musings, big thoughts in small, old-fashioned rhymed and metered phrases - not at all easy to do, and, for me, always welcome as charming chips off the workbench. Sometimes, as in this poem, whimsy with a whip at the end makes for more deep feeling than a labored howl. Nice!
L.. Rewarded 8
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Made one change
The change at the end I decided not to make as I don't want the end to be completely okay. The pause, the silence of being blacklisted I want that hanging out there, I think.
J
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Super-frickin redonkulous...
Hey eosmia, this is teriffic. I can just see the tight-pursed lips and prim little bonnets a tickin' from side to side as mental fingers waggled and you sat there cool as a cucumber but dying inside and asking why? Now, after a poem like that you must tell us: "What did you say?"
Not that that's important, because the poem is terrific without knowing and it leaves the reader with a taste of whimsical mystery as an exclamation point to your brazen airs here. I love it. The rhyme scheme was snappy and quips quickly with a smart-ass clip that I dig. Eosmia...why do I always like your work?
Good stuff. No pick axes from me.
al
p.s. please find it in your heart to forgive me the heinous sin of test-running my new extra special word on you. Does it work? I've been dying to use that word ever since I heard it and this poem coupled with the fact is was penned by you simply screamed for it's christening. I hope you're pleased. If not, I'll be here in my tea cup...
. Rewarded 8
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Thanks so much
This situation for me was rarely a one time occurrence until I finally learned not to offer opinions quite as readily.
Hope you and your beautiful family are doing well.
Eosmia -
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They're doing terrific, eosmia.
Thanks for asking.
And yes, we all of us have our recurring weaknesses to stumble through. I too, often have foot in mouth disease. You know, it's funny, but I recently took a long trip with my boss and readily offered a few political opinions that I don't quite think were quite up his alley. He's a considerate and fair man and so didn't voice any objections, but I fear I may have offended him in his hospitality by my comments. When they say to stay away from politics and religion in conversation, it is wise counsel indeed. I felt really bad afterward. So yeah, I too am trying to learn to put a sock in it when peoples' feelings are at stake. Sometimes sparing hurt is more important than being heard. Because more and more I realize that speaking my mind is often just selfish when at the expense of others. So hey, hindsight is always twenty-twenty, eh?
'Nother cup o' tea, guvna?
Always a pleasure, eosmia.(at least for me)
al
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The tyranny of rhyming meter
Hi E. I don't know if we learn what you are really like from this, but we DO learn what you think PEOPLE think you're like. It's tone and balance were very nice indeed and I think any reader worth his salt will be on your side here. I loved the first stanza particularly but it drifted downhill a little after that in terms of form. That stanza set up a very definite and tight meter and rhyme-scheme and the ear resents being asked to deviate from that once it has been established. Rhyming meter is a tyrant and each soldier out of step stands out like a sore thumb and begs to be court-martialled! To fulfill it's mission, the poem would have to be 'tidied up' a little (imho). Still liked it though. >W<
. Rewarded 8
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You are right
I have tried reworking a few lines. Its not right yet but getting closer. Thanks for the advice.
eosmia -
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Worth working on
Hi again E. I copied and pasted this and tried to iron out a few bumps. I went to the thesaurus to help with the closing line, which needs more than any to be tight if it's going to work. See what you think.
The setting was for tea and chatter
A sip of the first, a taste of the latter.
The choice of subject did not matter,
What was for lunch, who’s gotten fatter?
To my amazement a thought profound
Fell from my lips and nearly drowned.
In distaste and horror all looked ‘round,
at a potato sack by nettles crowned.
My hostess was far too stunned to try
With silvery laughter,to ease this by.
I prayed to my teacup, “Oh God, Why?”
Under flowerpot hats lips whispered, 'My!'
Abandoned as a calfless cow,
I've never quite lived down this row.
The postman brings no invites now
My depth survives the shoals somehow
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Thanks so much
I've incorporated a few of your suggestions. You are quite right works much better this way.
Eosmia
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excellent and thought provoking
Technically, this piece was very well-structured. Excellent rhyme and rhythm. It was also entertaining. Inquiring minds would like to know what the profound thought in your poem was. And what profound thoughts keep you busy now.
Thanks for sharing,
~Rich. Rewarded 6
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I appreciate your taking the time to comment
Hi and thanks for the comment. I wish I remembered what the comment was at this point but time and I have moved on forty years.
Eosmia
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I think you missed out on the rhyme and meter after a while here. You kept it light and interesting enough, but then because you left out that detail that would've made this piece more worthwhile -- whatever was said. To say "a thought profound" is a bit of a cheat. The whole thing is weaker thus. I think I was a bit abrupt there. Sorry, I am still new and trying to find my voice around here
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you for your attempt to comment
Dear Sufjan:
I always appreciate when a young poet tries to work through their opinions and ideas about any poem. Everyone's work improves by exploring the work of others.
This poem is irony. The point is not the profound thought but the fact that it occurred in an inappropriate setting. a setting in which no real thinking is supposed to take place. The change in rhythm is purposeful. As the speaker moves farther from the rigid boundaries of The teaparty" setting, in which silly women say insipid things to one another, into the world of thought and meaningful contemplation so does the need to use rigid meter.
Eosmia
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this is to me a great poem :0
brilliantly, skillfully written becuase it had the tightest smoothest rhythm/meter to it, I have seen in a poem, in a while
A great story within words that made me curious, made me smile
I wish I could say this kind of thing comes out of me when I am bored...I am hopeless at writing in a humours mannor...
I envy this poem and as mentioned the pure skill
Just brilliant and captivating
Cindy
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you
Hello Cindy;
I do not remember communicating with you before. I really appreciate hearing from you and excepting my silliness.
Every morning, while in the bathroom, I would create a limerick for my son. I cannot tell you how much he hated to be awakened to such nonsense.
Eosmia/jan
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The sword of humor
Nothing disturbs the comfortable like the truth. An old fashioned phrase for such snobbery as you have drawn was "Kine of Bashan"
. Rewarded 4
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This was a relatively good poem. The elliment of snobbery from a vicorian time period was evident in this poem. I don't know if that is what you were aiming for.
. Rewarded 4
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thanks for the comment
Actually this was also true of the fifties and early sixties and I was actually just writing a send up of that period.
eosmia
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Lad
March 9, 2008