Lofted seems the best word
sitting high and hazy in the redroom
I was so far inside myself
when the irony washed over
turned my lungs to gills
but my clothes stayed dry.
Down below:
bow ow picka tacka
ompada ompada prouw!
drums--hung and hanged--
pulled pushed pickled;
we let them take us.
Bodies, arms, heads, Oh bodies!
we were tidal and lunar not "us" anymore
one collective roiling entity.
I found myself in the middle, I filled
the cove in my stomach with tablas
and 6th 7th 8th series counterpoint dissonances
disguised cleverly as waltzes--
oooom pa pa oooom pa pa
onetwothreeonetwothreecount!twothree.
leaning heaving on the banister
she sang to me, the girl throned in the corner,
her guitar an acoustic scepter
plucking my serf-heart strings.
Before long all that tablas waltz counterpoint
boiled to the surface, spilling wetly over,
this time a singular wave of overwhelming buoyancy.
When I found the arms around the bruised chassis I call my torso
I felt very little undertow pushing me away
and (like a dead fish or driftwood) followed the stronger current
encircling a waste just the right size.
Oh!
When did the ladder become so easily braved?
Pamaringa ding a leng a dang dai lou!
Scat, scat, scat
I didn't find words up there
(out the hole in my skull
through the one at my breastbone, at the dimple
in my collarbone...they're missing?)
Author notes
Tablas: Indian hand drums of varying size and timber. Very percussive. Almost primordial. Think djembe (African drum) but more resonant.
Counterpoint: Now this is mind-blowing. Counterpoint is a musical exercise (done in theory and composition classes) that uses a fixed melody (cantus firmus) and specific rules to create a harmony. Without ever HEARING the harmony. In first series counterpoint, no dissonant intervals (2nds, 4ths, 6ths, 7ths) can be used, and the harmony is very simple and Western (it won't sound weird at all. Very basic). By sixth, seventh, eighth series, anything goes. The composer can do anything, and sometimes...well, sometimes it gets strange. This is the stuff that fires me up.
Does this work?
Comments
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Bravisimo, Encore
Hola Nienna,
Superb line: "and 6th 7th 8th series counterpoint dissonances disguised cleverly as waltzes--" This, for me, captures the whole poem.
I greatly enjoyed the onomatopoeia; especially as they were not trite or standard
equivalents of the sounds and experiences you were conveying.
Overall: vibrant, alive; moves along passionately. A narrative of the moment, words carefully chosen, yet conveying immediacy.
JG
language: 5, rhythm: 2, subject: 3, tone: 5, form: 2.
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Aural Inundation!
Another piece which would make a perfect recital/slam subject. Quite onomatopoeic in its expressive description, Nienna.
This is such a subjective blast of feeling that washes over the reader that I cannot retain the cerebral wherewithal to be finicky and search out any bits to alter. A courageous write. Especially fell for:
"turned my lungs to gills" wetwetwet!
"we were tidal and lunar not us anymore" Hmm looks better without the "" on us, I think.
"leaning heaving on the banister" nice internal rhyme.
"the bruised chasis I call my torso" great description but spelled chassis.
"..overwhelming buoyance" think I´d go with buoyancy.
Usually I m weary concerning sound effects as they can easily seem trite or clicheish but yours here bound along the rapid tone of the piece and to my ear and squint, work fine. Great stuff Nienna. Nothing more to add beyond seconding Prolific Plumeister´s comment below!
Regards
gG-minor
PS. The band I wrote for, Farmers Market are playing their Norway release tonight. They´ve gotten excellent, rave reviews where the song titles I came up with have received many an accolade being described as "pure poetry". Well what the hell did they think it was?!
Nah. It s been great fun getting this feedback. The cd s called "Surfin USSR" on the Ipecac label. Watch out for it Nienna. Cheers
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Nienna, this was teriffic...
Music is an incredible force for communication in one's life and it's really neat to see your passion so powerfully conveyed here. When I have been so fortunate as to attend the playing of an orchestra, the music is not so much the draw as the heart of the each musician being poured into it. I don't know how to describe it, but music is a vibration of the soul that radiates the heart of the performer. The most powerful performances I have ever witnessed have culminated in the performer being totally spent, and at times soaked in sweat and emotionally drained, some even in tears.
I think we as sentient beings long to express, to be heard on a spiritual level beyond the constraints of language, and music makes that possible. Language is but a series of punctuated frequencies and amplitudes, waves that mimic thoughts, ideas and feelings with verbal iconography as a stilted framework for abstract emotional constructs. Music is pure and conveys the simple essence of feeling that we struggle so weakly to express with words. Still, it is a wave, but one without the constraints of interpolation required by language, the feeling is universal. Music is liquid language that flows into every corner of the soul without the need for heart/mind, mind/heart translation. I think the soul is that medium between heart and mind and music is that intermediary dialect that demands no conversion, but simply conveys understanding beyond the constraints of formed thought. It's the pure language of emotion, and that is why, when the artist "isn't feeling it", it shows as the music is dead and lifeless. And when the artist is...it's absolutely beautiful and inspiring.
When I read this, I saw that force of performing passion at work, and could see this concerted effort to beautifully express the true emotional ideology behind the piece you were playing. An orchestra is like an communal organism whose sole purpose is to express feeling. I truly felt that synergy here and the excitement that thrives in the midst of such artistic endeavor. I can feel it, because I sang in a choir, and it's much the same. Although I feel it far easier to coax communication from the timbre of my voice that from the tip of a bow and string as you do. And the last part is an excellent end, signifying you're becoming lost in the music to the point of forgetting your worldly constraints and pains and abandoning yourself to the performance. I thought this was teriffic, Nenni. I loved it.
Now, the musi-scat was kind of strange and struck me out of kilter as it is nigh impossible to do music justice with letters. I'm sure that as a musician you hear it all so clearly in your head, but it didn't translate quite so to me. But I did like it. Also, I think it would help if you would include some short notes as to "counterpoint dissonances" and "tapas". Nothing too involved, as we're not all of us musicians, but maybe a short little something to shed some light on each.
I really enjoyed this.
al
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Hey, Al, thanks SO much for the comment. I'm a bit brain fried from exams right now, so I'll reply to this later, but I wanted to let you know I added the note about tablas (I always call tablas tapas and they're really not the same thing at all!) and counterpoint. Hope it helps!
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