Anything can be poetic.
You just need a color.
For example, eating an orange
(in sepia tones):
Imagine your eyes lined in kohl
(like the Pharoah's queens of old)
and your fingers long and soft,
oh, so gentle and probing and tender;
and the sections of the orange
as the mouth of a lover,
and each whiff of spiced air
the scent of their pale neck.
Notice the angle of your hands to your mouth
and your mouth to the orange
and the orange to the floor.
Notice the colors of the walls or the sky
and maybe even the specific taste--
that is not orange--on your tongue.
Can you hear the Viennese waltz
floating over the fruit
floating in your ear
floating out your mouth?
Are you beginning to notice
oh, tell me, do you notice
that the rind is just as sweet as the juice
and it feels just like
(just like!) your teeth against lips
when you take a bite?
When I lay on my mattress
staring hazily out the concrete window
to the iron jungle outside
I think back to that orange in the car
and realize it is not poetry,
merely longing.
Author notes
I'm uncertain whether I spelled "Pharoah" correctly or incorrectly...brain freeze!
I'm also uncertain what this is about or where it came from. Or whether it is anything. Please give me your honest opinion!
Does this work?
Comments
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yes, i love oranges, go pokes!
psh. where it came from? you ate an orange for lunch! i think...
yes, i like it.
omit the first three lines. very unnecessary. the rest of the poem alone proves "anything can be poetic."
i'd use some strnoger sense-appealing descriptions here and there, but i'm too lazy to mention the specifics. heh. what is the taste? replace "long" w/ "slender". also, "their" neck does not sound good to me. is my lover a girl or a guy. tough decision, i know. haha. replace "juice" w/ "nectar". the use of "soft" and other weak adjectives takes away from the poem's intensity.
overall, this is a great rough draft. a lot of potential. step back and see what descriptions can be more impacting and lasting in the reader's mind.
all this crap i just said is going to come back on me, i'm sure.
heh, an orange.
Pap
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Hi Nienna,
This poem made me laugh, yes it seems thinking about a color or a fruit seems to really be a means to start a poem. Though in my head this felt like an artist moving an orange in several angles finding the perfect image to paint. I suppose its the pace of the poem...almost spoken in one-breathe. The intriguing thing, though the poems seems random images, it anchors itself to a person...yes the source of longing.
Another thing that came to me when reading this poem is that poet attempting to capture a feeling, to write a poem, to be poetic in the most restless moments. And yet, maybe the moment doesn't call for poetry, maybe the need to write the poem was a mere attempt to calm the restless and longing heart.
Does it work, well in to me it does work, i like the 'quirkiness' of it. Though maybe it can be tightened to create a fluidity. Yet, maybe the intention to the poem doesn't require a rigid and fixed flow. Ah well, those are my thoughts.
-iphios
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