Have a drink, buy bravery
in the form of pints and fifths;
gallons if you’re that far down.
Have a drink, smile for your friends
’cause for some reason, unbeknownst
to you, they stick around for the 'let-down',
they invite you in.
Stare the camera straight in its lens,
state that you are free, you are
sixteen again.
This town hasn’t changed one bit
since I’ve been away
but still, I hurt and I sway,
same as I always have.
Only this time, I’ve harvested
new rythyms, new keys, new times.
I am bold now but by no means
am I free.
I am grown now but by no means
am I free.
Comments
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Trim it a little?
Hi S. (what became of my little flower?)
As always with your stuff, there a direct voice trying to cut through to what you believe is the truth and essence of the matter and that is the job of the poet (imho), so, first and foremost, my congratularions on that.
This is not in any way flowery or self-conscious or pretentious, faults which bedevil too many of your age group when they put pen to paper. It comes across as being a little raw, formatically speaking, though and to my eye, a lot of pent up natural rhyme is being left uncovered because you haven't trimmed it down enough.
In my usual lazy way, I'd like to copy and paste it and edit it to how I'd like to see it, then message you the result for your private consideration and disposal.
I hope you'll see some of what I see here, but whatever, it's a good poem in your own inimitable voice. >W<
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Thank you, Windhover, for reviewing and suggesting how the poem could be better. I REALLY appreciate that. Always liked that about you!
I've been away a lot. I've been distant from this world. I am rusting. I'm not in best spirits. But this little flower has been (trying) to grow.
So, to show you my thanks, I will fix this up----but the ending is not changing as far as word choice goes. The overall structure would do better with your way, though. I can easily admit that.
Again, thank you, Windhover. It's been too long.
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