My rusting eyes are no good anymore.
They can't see through iced eyelids,
they can't wait for a better view.
They are straining, straying away
from faith, faking their awareness
of colour and placement and shape.
I shook and scraped my heels along
gravel, going over my grammar,
hoping against hope that I would
say the right thing, come sunrise.
But I always trip over my own tongue,
I keep it in mind that I've ruined
a world of chances before.
Opportunity shakes its head at me
mocking my method of explanation,
and time shrugs its shoulders;
irritated and impatient.
Forgive me, you are just too beautiful
for words and what little justice
they can do.
Come sunrise, I'll say all this to you.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
This has a really nice structure and progression to it...
the way you plead ignorance of the way to proceed, what to say, all leading up to the absolutely most perfect thing you could say: "...you are just too beautiful / for words and what little justice / they can do." That qualifier to the old saying "you're just too beautiful" is just right and adds an innovative thought to the expression. Come sunrise, I can picture the eyes working again, in full bloom, saying everything necessary, and adding through their silence a deeper meaning than words can give. I really like the inevitability of it, which is something you've given it through the structure. Cheers, MJ -
-
Hey there, mj, long time no see. I do hope you are well.
I'm happy to find you liked the romantic and speechless take on this. And I suppose, in a strange way, I did capture what I mean to say.
But I want to take this further, I want to be able to write a poem on exactly why I feel the way I do. The idea just isn't ripe enough yet.
I'll set this thought on the window sill and perhaps the sun will do the trick.
Thanks, mojo.
-
-
Strong
I liked this S., because of as much as despite it's strong sense of melancholy. Your choice of words is careful and effective and the form is strong and compelling. Above all, that single, perfect, isolated rhyme in the single last line works like a release of bowstring on the tension that has been built before. I also loved
'...time shrugs its shoulders;
irritated and impatient.'
As I said before, its form is strong and convincing, but since you've gone so far with it, wouldn't you make the line-count in the stanzas a regular 3 - 5 - 3 - 5 - 3 before 'crashing' it with that killer last line? Car wrecks in the movies are always more impressive if the car is new and expensive!
Also, 'mocking my method of explantion' felt a little clumsy. 'mocking my ineptitude' perhaps?
My only suggestions on a strong write. >W<
-
-
Windhover, you are just spoiling me with reviews! I jest of course and am more than glad to hear from you again.
As always, I will think of your suggestion and hope to improve upon this in time. After all, this sort of thing is never done, is it?
Thank you for reading and taking an interest in my improvement.
Kristin
-
-
Hey Kirstin, this is great.
This reminds me of a paper I had due on imagery and I just couldn't seem to rectify the theory of my thesis, leading me to believe the author was fulla baloney as to any coherent imagery. So my teacher told me to write a paper on why I couldn't write the paper. I did and got an A. I think you did the same here. Sometimes the antithesis of our efforts is just as effective in portrayal of what we feel. That you would care so much to be so distraught at your inability to communicate speaks volumes and makes this incredibly effective at trumping any number of fanciful gushings. Very concise and effective at conveying care, devotion and love. But you're almost always consistent in that methodology. Nice work, Kristen.
al
-
-
Thank you, Al.
It's nice to know that you get what I meant, it is much like the essay you had to write.
It is torturous to me when I can't find words but have a love for them. And then to express love and not be able to, well, that just sucks.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment on this one, I really do. It's awesome to hear from you again
Kristin
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
