I am the discarded being,
Discarded from the doors of heaven,
Thrown into the abyss, upon the Earth.
Oh! Creatures of the strange world,
Now gaze me not at my nakedness
With dreadful suspicions,
I am the innocent being, who became the victim of jealousy,
I am the being, who was poisoned,
Now poison runs through my veins,
In the form of jealousy, hatred and pride.
The forbidden tree was planted
In the lush green garden of Eden
Before the clay of my existence was kneaded.
The evil eyes gawked at me
Before I was sent into the luxuriant zones,
To dwell in and relish sweetness of the regions;
I had been victimized before I was taught the tricks
To ward off the tempts.
Now sitting in the abyss of the universe,
I see to the culmination of the heavens
Ponder and sigh why my dreams were snatched,
Why my hopes were trampled,
Why my existence was ragged in twain
By the opposing forces;
My powers were seized, my apron was torn,
I was deprived of the blissful state,
And with baffling mind I assume myself,
It was the brawl of two hostile forces
Ah! My heart and mind were made the battlefield.
Comments
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Muhammad - this puts me in mind of Milton...
with the battle between heaven and earth and fallen angels. First of all, it took me a few beats to dissociate the photo of you from the text, you don't look like a "discarded being." That said, this made for lively reading, energetic storytelling with all the elemental, life and death, emotional situations in play.
I'm an english teacher so I nit pick on some things, like 2nd line 2nd stanza you can leave out "me" should be 'gaze not...'
"tempts" should be 'temptations' assuming you want the noun there, of course "tempts" could be a noun of your invention.
I think you might mean "existence was (ripped) in twain" in twain meaning 'in two'.
Maybe 'baffled' instead of "baffling"
and 'assure' instead of "assume".
Sorry, that's just how we ink-stained wretches tend to be.
But, back to the praise, as I said I think it's a
powerful piece filled with the basic stuff of human existence and its trials. Cheers, MJ -
Hey, you know what?
I have not always been on the Muhammad wagon, but this work here has certainly got my boots a kickin' to catch it. I thought this was great. This was an excellent metaphor for life all wrapped around the allegory of the existence of Adam and Eve. Plus, I really felt it relevant as I likened it to my struggles as of late while I have labored to justify the workings of my mind with my heart in relation to God and Evolution. The last line is excellent at explicating the true and only battlefield in life, our insides. Because no matter what rages outside, only we can choose how we are molded by it and to what end. In this respect we always maintain our autonomy as commanders in the battle of life. Because really, the only battle we fight is in who and what we become as it is all about the being, and not about the doing. We can do all the wonderful things in the world, yet if we are not changed inside it is "as the tinkling of cymbals and the sounding of brass". It's all about who are becoming inside. In this respect, appearances are truly immaterial to the task at hand and once again my belief is affirmed that it's ok not to give a damn what people think.
This was great, Muhammad.
al
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