I can't run anymore,
can't hide anymore.
Just leave me alone
and pray.
This soul that I keep
was not meant for me.
It's time I release
its pain.
Swallowing hard,
the pills find my heart.
My battle for rest
begins.
Knife to my chest,
the blood soon does pour.
Dying,
my eyes do close.
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Reviews
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Well at least writing about it...
... means you don't have to do it. I do undesrtand, believe me, what it's like to be entrapped and too young to do anything about it, but trapping doesn't last forever, Ash... keep the faith, Mate!!
Best RA -
You've set yourself a challenge
Hi Skip. This is very tight from you and it just begs to be a song (you're giving yourself work by setting up rhythm and rhyme schemes now). But the last verse sucks (trying too hard to rhyme, scan and be poetic, it turns into schoolbook 'poetry' )and it needs to be the strongest. You need to ditch it, move the third stanza to the end and come up with a new third stanza that fits and sets up the last one. I thought
Right from the start
I did not fit my part
and was forced into it
for my sins
Swallowing hard
the pills find my heart
and my battle for rest
begins
(Sorry if this sounds terse, but I typed a huge message to you and the computer ATE it on me so I just got what I felt needed saying down as quick as possible. I think this is a really good effort from you and the fourth stanza only sucks because the rest of it so strong it kinda backed you into a corner that was a difficult shape to paint. It shows how far you're progressing. Keep accepting these challenges from yourself. >W< )
Riveralex
March 31, 2008
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