My soul craves warmth that's long been denied
while breathing in the misty shore.
I await the gifts of the changing tide.
This is my cove, my place to hide,
when life leaves me weary, wounded, and sore.
My soul craves warmth that's long been denied.
'Tis a welcome calm this sea will provide,
with time to reflect and room to explore.
I await the gifts of the changing tide.
A rolling breeze serves as my guide,
whispering a truth no man can ignore.
My soul craves warmth that's long been denied.
In this repose my tears have dried
and I've found the boy I'd lost before.
I await the gifts of the changing tide.
In this other self I often confide
as briny thunder crashes ashore.
My soul craves warmth that's long been denied.
I await the gifts of the changing tide.
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Author notes
Well, Cindy tossed the Villanelle challenge out there and I eagerly scooped it up. This was very, very challenging for me. I am eager to see the comments because I just don't know about this one. Part of me really likes it, part of me wants to edit more, and part of me is just happy if it follows the form. lol I may actually re-write it sometime soon and break the rules of the form a bit, write it the way I would have written it. I really did want this to be a proper Villanelle, however, so I hope it works. Aside from feeling shackled by the set rhyme scheme and repeated lines, the punctuation really threw me off. One thing I really do like about this is that I can read most of the stanzas two different ways... in stanzas 1-3, for example, I liked how lines 1+2 could fit together as one idea, but then lines 2+3 could also fit together as one idea. I could not figure out a way to punctuate the stanza but show also show that element. Take out the punctuation at line endings all together? Or is it something I shouldn't be trying to show at all?
As you can see, my mind still plays with this one quite a bit. I like it, though, and it took a lot of time and energy to get it to work, so I hope others enjoy it and perhaps I am being too critical with myself. Very often, I simply can not satisfy my own self and I admit some of my better musings have been ones I obsessed over a bit too much. Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read it, and thanks for dealing with this long, long author note, too!
So... what do you think?
Comments
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A villanelle - harlot sister of the pantoum and one of the more challenging forms to tackle. Kudos for giving it a go and so well too. For me, the most difficult bit is often not only getting the repetition to work, but also the rhyme to remain unforced and metrically regular (same number of syllables per line, identical stress emphasis).
This poem varies on this count, but having read it aloud several times, the lack doesn't cripple it at all.
I think the choice for the first line was a good one. "My soul craves warmth that's long been denied" is a lovely opening - abstract enough to pull the reader in "What is this warmth?" and "How has it been denied?" and universal enough to have the reader nodding along.
I've been shot down for this suggestion before - mainly with the argument that poetry shouldn't be like a newspaper or a factoid (Not what I suggest at all!) - but I can't help but wonder if this poem would be even stronger with a more concrete focus on specific images.
I felt that while the emotions were very powerful, I almost wish I could "see" what you're talking about better. Certainly you the structure of the poem to the advantage of the lines and the form limits what's possible. However, what I feel I lack is context. For example, "whispering a truth no man can ignore." - at this point, I'm at a loss. I am thrown out a tidbit - some truth - but there is no follow-up. It's much like an ambiguous statement hanging, glowing in midair.
Certainly one shouldn't want the poem to "tell" the reader everything. That would be boring. But, sometimes, as a reader, I don't really wish to recreate my own world - I want to experience something new. Maybe the poem could be a little more open in letting the reader in on what's going on. Usually a concrete context helps a reader relate to the story/situation of a poem, and imagine him/herself in said situation.
I'm going to leave off now, but I'm glad I had a chance to read this piece; it was a pleasure. I hope you decide what you will be doing with this piece and whether it remains a villanelle or evolves into something more and different.
Good luck with this poem,
Nocturne
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Our wonderful Miss Cindy once again inspiring us to new challanges! I have done these myself and they are fun to do and a great excercise to our selves as poets. Now as for your work: yes...I enjoyed the verse..a return to childhood.....I used to have a favorite rock that jutted out over a lake....went there after I worked a night shift in a nursing home as a nurses aid......felt the world would leave me alone and I could escape the drudrgery and sadness of the night before........very well done!
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excellent
The gifts of the changing tide will bring joys unfounded. So in each of us there is a child within and we want to be loved .The search is eternal but someday it shall end.A lovely poem
rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 4, form: 3.
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Thanks for taking the time to read this one and comment. As always, it is greatly appreciated. All my best...
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I can surely understand the labor of a villanelle, Mark - one of the toughest forms to conquer. But I think you've made it work here very well, and the labor doesn't show - the mark of a well-crafted poem. The necessary rules of rhyme and line placement seem natural and unforced. Nice work; I admire it.
My theory is that all poems, no matter what they look like on a page or screen, have a form; otherwise, there'd be nothing there; so, whether we might "form" or "not", it's there, and I think attention needs to be paid to it, to form. The challenge, however, is to get the form to fit the content, and vice-versa: that's the hard part that so many poets ignore, and thus their poems, although fairly good, aren't very good.
Well, I think you fit form with content like hand in glove here, Mark. It's not easy to get repeated lines NOT to sound unnecessarily redundant, but you met that challenge nicely in this one, in my opinion anyway. Lots of poet these days, who just write out lines without any consideration of form-fitting-theme, would do well to study the old forms. They may end up not using them, but they'd sure learn plenty about the discipline of writing poetry, and that would make their work so much stronger, whatever form they decide to use.
And that's the point: form is a decision, but many poets have no clue about that. They just gush out words, and believe that words in haphazard lines alone make a good poem. My thought is that words in lines are only half a poem; the other half is the result of conscious craft about how to format those words and lines. Sorry for going on like this! but I believe in what I've said very strongly, which is why I admire your labor here so much. You're learning, as we all continue to do, to pay your dues as a poet. It's not all play, it's work, too.
As to the poem's theme, what it wants to say, it rings true for me: pondering water's edge brings me, too, to want that warmth of boyish youth revived again - and it sure IS a "gift" when it comes, although on its own terms. Well, as you can surmise, I like this poem.
Later...
Lad
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Hey Lad,
No need to apologize for "going on" with this comment. Your thought and insight is very helpful and informative. I enjoy reading it and it will no doubt help me in my own writing. I am also very glad you liked the poem, obviously. I fully understand the merit in putting actual labor into the poem, and I must say it makes the positive comments that much more rewarding when it is done. Thanks again for the reading and the kind comments. They are quite thorough, very helpful, and greatly appreciated. All my best...
Mark
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and yeah I have to agree with dave... I usually stay away from form because worrying about the rules seems to block out my creative flow...
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. I am glad you enjoyed it!
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I like it.
I think I particularly enjoyed it because it's very soothing, even to just read. -
hey mark
my poetic philosphy is against form, as i think often it ruins content which is the most important quality of a poem (i think) however you really pulled this off well, made the repetition work for you the rhythm which actually enchanced the content and created a certain mood. really nice
dave -
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I actually lean away from form myself, but gladly dive into at times for the exercise. I don't think it hurts. I see it almost like homework. It is something I do not have a natural desire to do but I think it stretches my brain a bit and has value as an occasional task. It works for me, and it also helps keep some variety in my poems... some with the set form, others without. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this. Much appreciated...
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Ia m with MM Mark...I wouldnt change a thing...I can see your fussing an dfreting etc...But to me it is perfect...to form and to emotion etc
I think you did yourself proud with this and definetly did the form justice
Cindy
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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As always, thanks for the thoughtful comment, Cindy. I am glad it meets with your approval since it was your challenge that generated it. Thanks again...
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Hey Mark
Dont ya worry a bit, there's really nothing to fret about here. I thought you took the format and used it properly, at least of my understanding, sticking with the whole aba aba aba aba aba abaa rhyme scheme, really respected that. It's definately a hard thing to do without changing subjects to give yourself a whole new list of words to choose from. But you did it very well here. Nothing to worry about from my point of view. I'm sure there are written words that you might like to change but I personally don't feel it necessary. Keep on writing and keep up the good work, the more people see that other's have been inspired, hopefully more people will become inspired like we have from cindy. Thanks for helping to spread the love and knowledge of poetry.
TTYL
MM
language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Hey MM... thanks for the kind and supportive comments. As always, they are very much appreciated and valuable to me as a writer. I am glad you enjoyed this one and you always help put my restless mind at ease a bit... Thanks again.
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