Strapped within a belt of a uterus
A passenger in my own vehicle
My swollen right foot
vainly stepping down to no avail
As you drive my life out of my control.
I have thoughts of escape
The handle at my reach
But the love I feel
The cord that connects us
Is stronger than either of us.
So, the months go by
And the faster you learn
To accelerate.
The faster I realize
Despite your
underdeveloped motor skills
We'll both be alright.
*alternative, first written ending:
So, the months go by
And the faster you learn
To accelerate.
I thought you would be more like your father.
But you're just as crazy as me.
Which ending is best?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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*Dr. Pap
amy,
this piece makes me sad. worried, really. b/c i know you are a newly wed. i've seen you wedding pics on myspace and it made me so happy to see you and your mate happy. with this in mind, the best writers write about what they know, so i can only guess that you are going through rough times.
i'm sure marriage is a struggle, especially the first few years. but i am glad to see that:
"the love [you] feel
the cord that connect [the two of you]
is stronger than both of [you]"
people have a habit of wanting to get in their cars and drive away from their homes or wherever it is that they are having problems. but i'm sure you know this doesn't ever work.
Pap
. Rewarded 8
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Do you take insurance?
I don't know how fortunate, but this poem is about my life being run by a fetus.
My husband, on the other hand, still deals with me. For the time being, happily.
You are a good friend, Pap. But, I see that my 45 minutes is up. See you next appt.
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This was an interesting way of putting describing what seem to me as pregnancy. Possibly unexpected hence the rather anxious beginning of the poem, but as the months pass, it becomes clear. The anxiety over and done with, for the cord (umbilical cord) that connects the two of you become stronger. Truly, the umbilical cord is quite a mystery...its seems to be where mother and child connections are formed or rooted. I like how you mention the uterus, swelling, cord, and underdeveloped motorskills in a way it doesn't really scream pregnancy, but clues you in. More than anything, its the delivery of the subject matter, the word choice that makes this poems standout.
-iphios. Rewarded 8
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Goodness.
You are smart. -
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Thanks. just glad to have understood the poem.
take care
-iphios
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So, the months go by
And the faster you learn
To accelerate.
I thought you would be more like your father.
But you're just as crazy as me. -
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I'll put both ending on there!
We'll have a poll.
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Hi there
Interesting concept of illustrating the
pregnancy with comparisons of a motor
vehicle and its different aspects.
The content is alright overall, but the reader
misses some transitions. I think it's due to the
lack of the 'key' action word in the first stanza.
Suggestions:
1st Stanza: (what would give it the verb, not gerund)
Strapped within a belt of a uterus
A passenger in my own vehicle
My swollen right foot
vainly (steps) down to no avail (rather than stepping)
As you drive my life out of my control.
3rd Stanza:
I'd try and use some different words as though
I realize the metaphor throughout, it gets so
'mechanical' the thought of bearing
a child gets side-tracked.
*Honestly, I liked the first written ending. It steps off the cycle and places a humorous yet deflective way of closure.
I would tighten this a bit so that each step
slides into the next thought. Usually giving it
some breathing between changes helps. Not a hurry.
Thank you.. Rewarded 8
Papyrus
April 3, 2008