Madness crawled in snow caps
where in trenches lie a man's
mortar- salted heart;
livid pain matched the
gray cap of expenditure
its oozing red seam would please
the enemy distraught; so much so
that they grazed the fatigues
for tickets of a matinee,
a piece of pulpit slat
letters from the mother of four.
How long was sorrow and
who has forgotten loss
in withered sleeves; rows
of disgust and perpetual dismay
shade silver-templed heroes
plagues hang above sons who know
little for the blood or reason
this tryst ever began,
why so much happened
for so little change-
his own hand soon to be
part of someone’s tomb
in another conflict.
Whose blood can pay its costly fee
When this, for land, is never free.
Form tight enough?
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Wonderful . . .
simply graceful. I'm not much on forms, lol. But I can say that this is nice, very lovely. . .in my eyes. It has a sense of saddness, but I also see a warmth to it. The flow is nice and it helps paint a picture. I think the last verse, not including the last two lines, rounds the whole thing off. It is strong and is not over powered by the rest of the poem.
Nice work,
Ashley
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The finely disciplined form of this poem, CZ, is the least of its excellence, at least for me. I sense in it the utter absurdity of elective wars, the high price of the blood "oozing red" through "seams" of military uniforms, through the skins of destroyed young men and women. And for what? for a land that can "never be free" at such a cost.
Very skilfully executed poem, in my opinion. It images the details of religion (that "pulpit"), times of enjoyment (those "tickets") and mothers' letters to her child - all bloodied and taken as tokens of a victory, like scalps. Strong language and thought in this one - the devastation of human beings in vain battles. I like this poem immensely!
Later...
Lad. Rewarded 8
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So sorry for the late reply. But I appreciate your articulate and specific critique to this poem that long haunted me.
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Your response added to the GRIM of this war display, while giving me the very reason I had to write it... its source was reality.
My father... one of those in withered sleeves.
Thank you so much. Sorry how late this response. Not been on for awhile!
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Hey Cookie
Nice name, is the Zeal part b/c you're from New Zealand? Well now I know it's not, unless you were born there b/c I had just peeked at your "My Page" page. LoL. I liked the language that you used in this piece, seems exotic to the US, which is why I thought you were at least from a different country. But along with being exotic, more importantly I found it to be TIMELESS, at least in the war genre. This could have been written about any war at anytime in the past. A very good and hard thing to do in a war poem. And it was different from most war poems I've EVER read. Will go in more depth later when I have more time. Good read overall and thank you for sharing such a beautiful piece of art. Hope to talk to you again soon, or hear a comment from you soon.
TTYL
MM
. Rewarded 8
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oh yea...
but could you tell me what war this poem was about, and where the "shade silver-templed heroes" line came from and what does it mean???
TTYL
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Hi, there. Thank you for reading.
the description I composed, "silver templed heroes" refer to our veterans who've gone through much that can't really be told in full.
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WOW!
I am awestruck at this poem. A stroke of genius is my first impression. Very powerful and penetrating poem that left me with my mouth open and in a state of contemplation.
Bill
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Hi there. So sorry I'm late in responding. I've not been on for a few weeks!
How very special was your response to a poem that echoed throughout my subconscience. I suppose when it's REAL and we record it, it is the response others can receive from it.
My father fought in WW II, and he was a wonderful man, so it found ME. Your specific remarks meant a lot.:
Mouth open as well, I'm grateful!
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I am one who generally doesn't take to war poems but this was one of those unique exceptions. I think marcus hit the nail on the head for me... this felt timeless. I could see this about almost any war in US History, and any number of wars beyond the US. Nothing felt really overplayed or forced in it, either, just a very natural presentation. The form is quite impressive too... we crafted. Good work!
. Rewarded 8
skipeople
April 4, 2008
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