It's been far too long, my once foolish friend,
since we laughed and played in the summer's sun.
But now you sleep in this cold bitter end,
a very real victim of a foreign gun.
I pray to our God that my wounds will mend,
still not believing your journey's all done.
Yet in this shadow I still hold a treasure...
sweet memories of youth and reckless pleasure.
We were princes of mud pits, boys of the night,
the silly and mindless our chosen domain.
Bus conversations that were rarely polite,
betting on schemes that were doomed and insane.
Playing with matches that wouldn't ignite,
tossing the football in snow and in rain.
Frustrating teachers and parents with ease,
drifting through life like whispers in the breeze.
Now here in this room of deep pride mixed with grief
I suddenly sense that I'm warmed by a smile.
For though you've been stolen by Death's cryptic thief
I know I'll survive this unwelcome trial.
Your death further proves a natural belief
I found long ago and have kept all this while.
Through peaks and valleys, this wild river flows.
We water the thorns for the sake of the rose.
Author notes
This is my response to Cindy's newest challenge... writing the ottava rima. It also tackles two ideas I had recently, to base poetry on African proverbs (last line) and write about my friend Brian McPhillips, who died fighting in Baghdad exactly five years ago on April 4th. It is not meant to be a political statement of any kind, just a personal statement based on my thoughts when attending his wake. After all, as proud as I was that he was a Marine, he was friend first and that is what I valued above all else. Syllable count was tricky since my count differed from the computer's in some spots... I thought "smile" was 2, for example, but the computer said 1. I think I got the 10-11 syllables and rhyme scheme down, though. I look forward to hearing what you think as I may tinker with this one a bit more... thanks!
So... what do you think?
Comments
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Tender remembrance here, Mark, with detailed images of ordinary youthful messing around, that, in the end, add up to a nostalgic remembrance of a friend. I like the tone of passing friendship, like a "wild river" that's still watering his memory in the poet - that final proverbic line images the thorns of suffering and death, and it works well, even though it seems to come out of nowhere, not prepared for anywhere in the poem - but it doesn't seem to matter: it still works as a final tribute to the power of remembrance.
Ottava rima's another tricky form that, it seems to me anyway, you've got some fine control over, while still keeping the poem from being artificially constructed just for the sake of a strict form. According to the rules of the ottava, the end-rhyme scheme reads well; that took plenty of work, no doubt, and bravo to you for that labor.
The ottava rima requires, in strict form, iambic pentameter throughout, and you've mostly mastered that here. Some lines though, at least as I read them, don't quite fit that requirement, since they begin with a trochee rather than an imab, and trying to scan them as iambs throws the line off from pentameter - for example, lines 1, 6, 9 and 10 where, placing the beat on the second syllable - as iambic - throws off the required 5-beat line. I guess that's the trouble with trad forms strictly followed - in order for the lines to be read with sense and for the beats to fall on the important words, some adjustments have to be made, like beginning a line with a trochee or dactyl instead of the called-for iamb.
But none of that seems to matter much in this poem, Mark; so what if a few lines don't precisely fit into the "rules"? It's the whole sense and feel of a poem that counts, in my opinion. And this one is a fine elegy, with skill and heart.
I enjoyed this one, mainly for its poetic skill to render memories of a good friend, now gone; and if there are glitches in the "rules", I couldn't care less - good poem!
Later...
Lad -
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Thanks, Lad. As always, I am glad you enjoyed this and thankful for the supportive words. That whole third paragraph almost gave me a brain melt, though. I am fine with rules when it comes to line count, rhyme, and so forth... but iambic pentameter, trochees, dactyls... they are like demons of the past for me. I still remember pulling my hair out trying to "get it" in English class. It has always been a case where I am fine following the rules of poetry, just don't push it too far. lol Syllables is about as finites as my mind can handle. I was not even aware of the iambic pentameter rule when I wrote it. Hell, I am not even sure I can describe what iambic pentameter is!
I am glad it worked for you as is, however, because (as you may have guessed) I do not plan on chipping away at meter. I may alter it a bit as I go along, but we'll see. The proverb coming out of nowhere is something I battled with. It is actually the reason I added the third octave, but I can sense it still doesn't flow quite as smooth as I would like.
Again, thanks for all the support and taking the time to write. All my best... -
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Hi, Mark, and thanks for such a detailed reply. I agree - the academic technicals of stresses and beats in a line can be confusing, and many poets, including myself, often just ignore them, taking care of the general flow of the line instead. All your work I've seen DOES have that careful respect for measured flow, and it's one of the reasons I like your pieces.
When we take on traditional forms with all their rules, that's where those bookish terms about meter and beat and stresses come in handy; if we're going to tackle strict, old forms, we need to pay attention to their rules, or we're not really writing in the form we want to take on. I guess that's why most poets these days avoid those stricter forms and just go for a smooth line and some rhyme; as you know, and I've had to learn the hard way, those older forms are HARD and really a challenge. But they can teach us plenty about how to write a good line and a good poem.
Anyway, it's not all that mysterious, those meter rules and types. Here's a quick chart that I've used often to help me remember when I want to try one of the standard forms that call for a certain metric regularity to their lines:
First off, pentameter means simply that a line has 5 stresses to it: e.g., DUM da Dum da da Dum da Dum da da DUM - five DUMS.
Iambic just means, as you learned and, like me, often forget!: da DUM
Trochaic: Dum da
Dactylic: DUM da da
Anapestic: da da DUM
Counting syllables is irrelevant; I don't know where that business came from, but it only messes things up and can confuse a writer. Forget syllable-counting; it's the stresses in a line that count. And the stresses, of course, can be manipulated by a poet to highlight words that he wants the reader to strongly hear. Of course, none of the above is of use in most modern poetry, which is generally free of the old "rules". It's when we take on old forms and their rules that the above can help.
I've written, for example, some Shakespearean-style sonnets, and I knew, if I was going to be true to the form, that I had to look up the rules for it, that it just didn't mean writing 14 lines that rhyme. If I then decided to modify those rules, then I wasn't really writing in the old form but in a modified form, but then I couldn't claim that I was writing in the old form. Man, does that cause frustrating labor and constant reworking of lines!! But, as you know, it's all enjoyable, and we learn plenty by taking on the old masters' rules, or modifying them after we've learned them.
I really admire your dedication to learning the poetic craft, Mark; your energetic respect and trials at older forms is really a delight to see, as most younger poets these days don't give a hang for the magnificent works that have gone before them and will live forever. Cheers to you for digging in with such discipline! And regrets if I've come off like a teacher giving a lecture: it's in my blood!!
Later...
Lad
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Thanks for that thorough and helpful explanation, Lad. It still makes my head spin a bit but I am happy to have it as a reference point now. I am glad you said what you did about counting syllables, too. While not making an argument over it, I have found myself perplexed by the concept. Yes, I see how it works but there have been a few times where the line I wroted "sounded write" but I felt I needed to change it due to syllables. I learned fairly quickly that a poem that demands 10 syllables may very well overlook rhythm... you could 10 syllables that "sound" like 8, and 8 syllables that "sound" like 10. So, I see the value in it and think it does help me grow as a writer... but it is a relief seeing another person think that the issue is not as vital as it is often presented. Thanks again for being so supportive and helpful with the comments/explanations.
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Such a warmhearted and deep poem with excellent phrasing and very touching expressions. The flowery language of perhaps foreign inspiration is like a golden frame around a precious painting or a photo of a loved one.
The pleasures of sharing past like a light dance of joy and the mourning of a tragic loss keeps a glimpse of hope though. I think this is a great write and a loving tribute to a friend who lost his life as a hero.
Thanks for sharing and may your ache heal. Ulla -
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Thanks for those great comments and the chat invite... I am sorry I missed it. My ache has, in fact, healed quite well. I've taken a lot of good things from that sad event and it has changed my life in multiple ways. Most importantly, it was somewhat of a call to live life to its fullest. Brian made a tremendous sacrifice and, as a result, did not live past 24. It was at that time that I fully understood what a gift each day was. Living it to the max is not only beneficial to me, but also a sort of tribute to him. Thanks again for your kind and thoughtful comments, and for taking the time to read it.
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hats off to you, mark!
i really appreciate people who can write poems following rhyme schemes and syllable counts...because i can't do that...i'm more of the free-flowing kind of writer...but, i really appreciate a poet even more if he can make use of all these schemes and write one great poem where he was able to express his feelings about a loss so eloquently...
you took me down your memory lane here, mark...you made me smile and laugh and even feel sad at the rights spots at the right moments...i really am so emotional...but, really, this one speaks to the heart...and, it amazes me how you can express yourself with the restrictions of rhyme and syllable counts...truly amazing!
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks, leigh. I am glad you enjoyed this and could feel the range of emotion in it. I fully understand the preference for free-flowing words because I tend to feel that way myself. I like the challenge of having to write within the lines, however. I did not think I could do it without it sounding forced or corny, but it has gone well so far. For me, I think it helps me grow as a writer. If it also results in quality poems that people enjoy, then all the better! Thanks again for taking the time to read this and share your thoughts...
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I enjoyed this...A touching subject but a well written and easy to feel dedication of a write here Mark
You stayed true to the form in my opinion..
I was thinking gee's how I will do more then one octave...you have shown me it won't be hard, I see you took your topic etc and flowed well with
Well done again and thanks also again for taking on the challenge, I can see you growing as a poet for it
language: 5, rhythm: 5, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 5.
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Thanks, Cindy! I am glad you enjoyed it and glad I stayed true to the form. Doing three octaves was interesting because it was almost forced on me. I planned to write two, thinking that was the most I could do. But when that first draft was done it felt too crunched... there was this quick jump from memories of youth to a proverb that seemed out of place. Thus, I realized a third octave was needed to get to that proverb a little more gradually. So, in a way, it was the poem that decided on a third octave, not the writer. Thanks again for the kind words, support, and challenging my writer's mind.
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Hey Mark
A Damn good shot at whatever type of challenge she sent out, I saw it in my box but have been soo stressed that I wasn't even in the mood to look at anything creative that I would have to "create" myself. So here I am. I enjoyed this very much, though personally when I do it I am going to be breaking the rules b/c I didn't like one part, felt it was unnecessary to have a line there. but then again I'm just me, but it would in fact be my poem so they could all kiss my ass right? anyways the "late night rambling's" have taken over. I enjoyed this piece thoroughly, didn't think the restrictions held you back at all, and I didn't even pay any attention to the syllable count so you could be all over the place ther eand I wouldn't know. But overall a great read for me. Glad you could kill 3 birds with one stone in this well crafted poem of yours. Congrats on being quite the multi-writer/tasker/do-it-all-at-once guy! LoL have a good one Mark. Take care
TTYL
MM
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Ah yes, I am very familiar with the "late night ramblings" myself. Heck, a few of my poems are little more than late night ramblings! Rambling or no rambling, your supportive words and your thoughts are very much appreciated. Without these comments I would have little to go on with my writing, so thank you once again for taking the time. All my best...
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