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from GOD

I will dive into the depths of your hurt
And heal your abysmal heartaches

I will plunge into the riot of your anguish
And discover the lost key that would open your treasure box of smiles

I will rummage in the heap of your splintered dreams
And obliterate those pieces that lacerate your very being

I will look deep into the core of your eyes
And blow away the lurking sadness

I will hold your unsteady arms
And place you on a pedestal to reach out to the stars

I will guide your faltering feet
And lead you to pinnacles you have never reached

I will pluck out your fears one by one
And cast them into the abyss of nullified memories

I will gather up the nucleus of your existence
And release you into "my world"

I will glue the tattered shreds of your sliced heart
And make it whole and beautiful...as it once was

I'll inflate your heart with all my love
It will never break then....

I'd do all this just for you my dear
If only you would allow me to...

-signed Jesus Christ!

How has it turned out??

    : Comment:

Comments

1 - 7 of 7

  • Papyrus
    May 12, 2008
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    and all God's people said: Amen!

    Elydia,

    this is a poem that could have been oober cheesy if you had not spiced it up with impacting diction. words like "abysmal" and "nullified" held my attention and kept me reading. however, the poem broke down at the end with "broken heart." perhaps you did not want to use "shattered" (an almost better choice) instead of "broken," because you had already used shattered in a previous stanza. But i suggest replacing both adjectives because the world of poetry is much too full of "shattered dreams" and "broken hearts."

    instead of, "collect the pieces of your broken heart," how about, "re-thread the needles of your splintered heart," or something more original. stitch, sew, glue, tape -- anything. in general, i tend to stay away from "heart" and "soul" because they are so Hallmark. when they are used, they REALLY need to be tweaked so as not to sound childish and un-effectual.

    overall, i find writing love poems and poems about God and such very difficult to do, because mine always seem to come out very amateur. but you have almost succeeded here. and this is about as close as i've seen to something that works.

    best,

    Pap

    p.s. - if this were a real letter, it would be addressed to you, therefore the title of the poem would not be "from God," rather, "Dear Elydia," or something along those lines. also, when one signs a letter, they do not write "signed," or normally use an apostrophe. maintain your composure. write this one from the heart, yes, but also from the mind. think what God might actually say. in fact, that's what the Bible says, but it's late, and now i'm just rambling...


    • elydia
      May 13, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      AMEN!!

      hey Pap
      thanks a million for your insight on my poem.I totally agree with you when you say world of poetry is much too full of "shattered dreams" and "broken hearts."
      Your suggestions were a real eye-opener to me and I just realise how monotonous the repettion of broken heart and soul all over poems sounded.I myself can account to using broken heart in majority of my poems
      I have made a few changes in the poem according to your suggestions...just check 'em out and tell me if these sound better..
      Thanks once again
      -E.L


      • Papyrus
        May 17, 2008

        Edit | Reply

        ramble ramble [i love Jesus] ramble ramble...

        Elydia,

        thanx for considering my commet. i'm glad you found worth in my suggestions. it is a rare occurence, i think. haha.

        anyhow, the changes you made seem fitting. it's taken me a while to realize what is cliched and what is not. but everytime i write something, i find another word or fraze that has been overused and lost effectiveness. yes, the challenge is to write and describe something fresh. which is really why i enjoy your poem so much.

        and lately, i've really been expreiencing both the Lord's mercy in my own life and his blessings, as they reach me and i pass them on. and i consider all the natural disasters going on around the world in the last couple of weeks and feel just awful abot how blessed i am, as a college student and with a summer job and all my material stuff... well, midleclass Americans definately have their sturggles too... but i think that whoever you are, wherever you live and whatever you're going through, we all live on the same planet, ya know? and have the same Creator. we are all equal in his eyes, whether in China, Myanmar or America.

        so thank you for this uplifting write. i think anyone could read it and feel blessed. yes, Jesus adopts us into a heavenly family, with God as our Father. and as your poem shows, God is Love!

        best,

        Pap


  • Mark McNulty
    April 27, 2008
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    I like this one a lot. I found it very moving and uplifting, being a person of fairly strong faith... and one who puts it into a poem now and then. Great word choice in here, such as "riot of your anguish". I also thought the ending was perfect. Very ideal. Overall, a gem of a poem that you can and should take pride in!

    language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 4.


    • elydia
      May 6, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      thanks!

      Hey Mark,
      It is great to see you have read my poem and liked it...
      thanks once again

  • dave ochs gold member
    April 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    hey elydia

    well i must say this is an interesting perspective, i'd say inspirational if i werent' so cynical.
    dave

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