last night I was dreaming and floating in the dark
the dogs had left but the people were barking in the park
the pansies were smiling and hanging around the place
some were still busy running the eternal rat race
butterflies were sucking the juice from their souls
the rats ,they hibernated in their old dinghy holes
and I just lay in peace and contemplated in solitude
someone said they did'nt have a phone
one said he had lost his
another clung to his one
like a long lost lover
one spoke his head off
I got another chance
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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I think this comes across well.
I like the "nature" references to describe the people in the scene. You definitly broke some "rules" here according to some poets. I'm not one to follow rules very well. Though I guess I lean towards a certain style. You did a couple things I noticed right off the bat before really even reading the poem. You jumped from longer lines to short punchier ones, and you went from easy rhymes to none. At first I thought that didn't make sense. Then when I read it I decided it might after all. In the first half you're just kind of relaxed and taking everything in. Thus the longer smooth flowing lines and relaxing rhymes.
In the second Everything began to intrude on your relaxation. Which is shown by the abrupt rough sounding lines. There is a typo {did'nt}={didn't}. I have a couple of suggestions. On line seven I think you could drop {and}. I think it would actually sound better without it. Since line eight is where you change drastically I think you could revise it and help the poem. See what you think of this:
Then someone said they
didn't have a phone
It's a simple change that allows that line to fit second half even better. Then if you wanted to that could be a seperate stanza. Now as I re-read this flows into it as if it might be one line. If you wanted to keep that feel you could do something like this:
Just as I lay...
Someone said they didn't
even Have a phone
Or you could say "Get Off Dude, it's my poem!" Afer all it's only my opinion not a law.
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Another one, very taut.
You have a real voice, that's great, and rare. Like it very much, very entertaining but has an edge.
Best RA -
thanx for your observations.
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I love the imagery in this poem: dogs, rats butterflies, someone clinging to their cell phone for dear life. Ths is an interesting poem about the value of solitude - something every writer needs if they can ever crank out the work. What kind of poetic form is this? I noticed some of the stanzas rhyme and some don't. It doesn't take away from the poem, but I was just wondering what form you were going for.
Also, what inspired this poem? I noticed you commented on the rat race. Any thoughts on that?
PS Thanks for commenting on my Lewis Carrol poem! Yes, soemtimes it's great to just be silly and stupid and have no reason to write whatsoever. Like Weird Al said: Dare to be stupid! -
I love the imagery in this poem: dogs, rats butterflies, someone clinging to their cell phone for dear life. Ths is an interesting poem about the value of solitude - something every writer needs if they can ever crank out the work. What kind of poetic form is this? I noticed some of the stanzas rhyme and some don't. It doesn't take away from the poem, but I was just wondering what form you were going for.
Also, what inspired this poem? I noticed you commented on the rat race. Any thoughts on that?
PS Thanks for commenting on my Lewis Carrol poem! Yes, soemtimes it's great to just be silly and stupid and have no reason to write whatsoever. Like Weird Al said: Dare to be stupid!
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