At the slaughter
The way you shot
The women and children
And torched their straw huts
That was awesome
And you were great
In the courtroom
Getting all those families
In their hovels and shacks
To have to move
So the developers
Could take over
And you where great
Getting all those
Employee’s to
Hold on to
Their company stock
When all along
You were going to bankrupt it
That was genius
And you where great
When you told
The town folk
She was a witch
And they burned her
At the stake
That’ll teach her
And you were great
When you found loop-holes
For the insurance company
To deny people health coverage
And raised the premiums so high
They couldn’t afford it
That was brilliant
And you were great
Making your case to congress
That dropping atom bombs
That would kill hundreds of thousands
Of innocent people
Would actually save lives
Your logic was infallible
And you were great
In the gang beat down
When you kicked
The unconscious man
In the head
How courageous
And you were great
When you deregulated
The airlines, the energy companies
Closed the mental hospitals
And gave tax cuts for the rich
that’s winning one
For the Gipper
And you were great
In the slave trade
The way you packed em in
Like sardines
And breed em like cattle
And whipped em
And hung em
If they got
Out of line
You’re a real humanitarian
And you were great
When you rounded up the Jews
And shoved them into ovens
Wow you made
Lampshades out of their skin
And soap
How practical
Hey you almost
Ruled the world
And you were great
When you strapped
On the bomb
And blew up yourself
And the people on the bus
You’re a true martyr
Hope your enjoying
The virgins
Comments
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I really like it when you take on
...big themes like this as well as the miniatures you do so well. There is a "take no prisoners" quality, it is a rant of course, a howl of outrage, showing an unblinking eye. If you ever have a chance to read Earthly Powers by Anthony Burgess, or have done, you might really connect with it.
Nice one.
Alex -
more please.
i like the "duh" quality in this one. its as if you're saying- you know exactly what you are doing and so do we. it's obvious that there will be no virgins and that infers the issue of belief. a little bumpy, slight lack of flow but that works as an advantage and sets the foundation for the obvious qualities that do not seem to scare you. i dig it.
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Dave - It´s easy to see how one could relate to this as your speaking to the devil, it has some comparisons in tone and sarcasm to the Stone´s song about the devil. But, the devil resides in ordinary men and women and those are the ones who committed most of these acts, and that´s why it´s so hard to see it coming a lot of the time. This is a thought-provoking and powerful piece. MJ
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thanks mj
yes its much easier to make up a devil and blame it on him, that way humans don't have to be accountable for their own viciousness and cruelty.
dave
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This poem drew me in from the start! Your lines are all deep, pointing out the horrid way the world has lived in an a secret 'underworld' of violence and hate. And this purtrays that very truth. But what exactly drives a person to be a cold blooded 'beast'? We could ask William Golding but would he truly know. His first novel, Lord of the Flies, purtrays violence,vengence and murder between children. Is when we are taking from the enviornments we were so keen on living in? Adolph Hitler wasn't. Im in the Marines, as you know, and Ive been 'out of my element' and environment and I have NEVER had a thought,tendency,or undying urge to kill someone. I kill because I was trained too. I kill because I protect my fellow Americans as well as the whole USA. I do not think that we will ever truly know what drives a person to absolute insanity or into a cold blooded murder. This poem, spoke as true events unfold before us. Will do anything? If some of these events re-occur will we be prepared? What will do different? What will America do to stop it? The saying goes "History repeats itself". I suppose we're heading for the 'Great Depression' but what about Hitler or Pearl Harbor. Look at the War on Iraq?!
Great poem David, another classic winner from you. I loved this. Drew me in from the first line! Way to go ol' friend! Keep up the good work....Can't wait to read more
Brooklyn
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hey brook
really nice to hear from you, i was browsing old comments the other day and thought about you. i think the questions you raise in your response are the right questions...why the abhorent cruelty in this world? and lord of the flies really addresses that on a very primal level. i found the movie and the book very disturbing and thats because it strikes on a truth. hope to hear from you soon.
dave
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Dave this is brilliant! I have addressed this issue myself in one of my verses........."Wow you made
Lampshades out of their skin
And soap
How practical" You know I am a great fan of cynacism....love these lines.....the world is truly full of evil......so glad we have each other......huggers, LD -
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hey LD
thanks for commenting. we should stamp out evil, or at least reduce to say teasing and nasty gossip.
dave
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"Hope your enjoying
The virgins"
Your last stanza was very strong and really was a blow at the muslim beliefs?
It was a bit scattered but it made sense since you were collecting different examples of wrong doings in the world. I liked this poem alot even though it was a depressing look at the real world.language: 4, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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hey itineary
yes it was a blow at the muslims, or maybe more specifically the radicial muslims. of course there was also a blow against the usa, for the abombing on japan.
i felt it necessary to include the suicide bombers because they garner a lot of sympathy, but like i said in another response say if you went on a bus and found a mother weeping over her dead child, it might change one's feelings.
thanks for the read
dave
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aiming at the devil.
that was what i got from this poem, dave. i don't know if that was really your point in writing down all the cruel things that some men have done against a lot of people but deep inside, when i began reading your poem...i began to think that the devil did these abhorrent things...sure, men did the acts but it was pure evil that inspired them...
as always, i am a great admirer of your work and how you can manage to put some imagery into acts of evil...i was just thinking though that maybe you meant, "employees'" instead of the "employee's" that you placed here...
this is a good one, a trifle dark...but, nevertheless, a good one...
language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 5, tone: 3, form: 3.
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hey maganda
thanks for commenting, their are acts of evil that would lead you to believe that man would be incapable of perpetuating, hence it must of been the devil. my only guess is man is capable of being a devil. thanks again Leigh.
dave
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interesting...i like it...i love the sarcasm.....but i just love sarcasm...
but i don't like the last stanza...i think that was taking a cheap shot at someone who firmly believes in what they are doing...yes, they are killing people. but they are also dying...that takes a lot of guts....
*shrugs*
just offering my opinion
otherwise, i really liked it
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hey dirty and broken
thanks for the feedback, as for the last stanza this has nothing to do with guts. you know i think i went onto a bus that a suicide bomber had just shredded and saw a little girl guy or boy with their arms blown off, taking a last whimper before dying it would make me sick to my stomach. brutallity is a real horror it doesn't matter whose doing it.
dave -
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true...and, yes, that would be devestating...and, yes, you are right, it is horror, no matter who's doing it
i just like to see things from both sides....sometimes it gets confusing, and sometimes it gets me into arguement....but, 'tis the way i see things..... -
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hey dirty and broken
right-both sides are wrong to use violence or treachery i thought i used plenty of examples to show that both sides are wrong, i,e getting people or forcing people to move out of their hovels could be directed at what israel does to the Palistinians which i think is what your gripe is.
dave -
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what my gripe is? i dont have a gripe....at leat, i don't think i do....hm,....O.o
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dirtry and broken
"your gripe" was I "took a cheap shot" at the courageous suicide bombers who kill innocent women and children, you can read your own comment. if you deleted it i'll send it to you.
dave -
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....i still think it's a cheap shot and nothing you say is going to change that
i'm not saying what they do is right, no, i think the majority of what people do is wrong
but i'm just saying it's something that they BELIEVE -
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hey dirty and broken
sure they BELIEVE what they're doing but so did we when we nuked Hiroshima with abombs, and Hitler believed in burning Jews in ovens, and southerners believed in lyching black people from trees and Ide Amin believed in butchering his people etc, etc, so why arent those cheap shots? they too believed in what they where doing so if thats what you BELIEVE thats fine, a lot of people have those types of BELIEF's until its there mom or children they're burying so BELIEVE all you want and I"LL continue taking me cheap shots at brutal sadistic pigs that believe in what they're doing;
dave -
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you believe what u believe and i will believe what u believe but i'm not going to sit here and argue with you just because it gets you off
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hey dirty and broken
isn't that what i said (already) "if thats what you believe then fine" see my last note to you. and i do hope that some day a suicide bomber doesnt blow himself in you or yours precense. anyway if you want them to give them a free pass to destroy life your entitled. and by the way i do get off...on exposing hypocrites and ignorance and ill-logic, and you cant change my beliefs.
dave -
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i never said i SUPPORTED the bombers, okay? i NEVER said that
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hey dirty and broken
right i agree you didn't say "i support the bombers" but you did say they have guts, that they're dying too, and that i took a cheap shot at someone who believes in what they're doing so the impression you gave me is that you do support the bombers. now if you don't support the bombers then i apoligize.
dave
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... nothing like a dose of sarcasm. really well written. congrats
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thanks locks, dave
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Comes across as a spoken word poem, and that's not necessarily a thumbs up in this case. The reason I say so is that reading it, I got the feel that I really wasn't able to "get it". The lack of punctuation made me uncertain how to read it (I know that a linebreak isn't a pause, but when do I pause? Do I try to read it in one breath? (Impossible!) Do I make up my own pauses?)
Also, as performance poetry this has the rhythm and feel down, but for a poetry to be read in an anthology, it's a tad lackluster. Yes, it has some wonderful images - "lampshades out of skin" - but overall it's rather "telly". (Telling vs showing) and in the end, telly writing is an informative summary that makes me nod, "yeah, so ironic and cruel and heh, horrible world" but them I shrug and move on to the next poem.
Imagery, concrete diction and focus can pack a punch. Yes, the refrain of "You were great" is well done, but the rest - specifics! The reader won't care until you make the reader care.
Congrats on the publishing opportunity, by the way! -
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hey nocturne
thanks for the in-depth comments and for the criticism, some i agree with some i don't, lets take grammer i think all i needed where the breaks the pause goes between each stanza/line break, ok as for specifics i give plenty, the salem witch hunt, the a-bombs on japan, Enron, Ronald reagen, torching huts is from the war in viet-nam, as for show don't tell i think that axiom more applies to prose than poetry wheras in poetry a more concentrated form you have to get to the point faster, i can't develop characters etc, i think poetry is more about making statements which is telling.
however i thought the poem sort of average myself but some people really responded favoribly to it and some didn't (see windovers comment) also i realize just because something gets published doesnt mean its good.
dave
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Hahaha...Hmmmmm
Thought provoking subject wrapped in a facetious presentation. Great write!
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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hey raven thanks
just a reminder i think you should give up all your potential worldy possessions and become a straving poet.
dave
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