Sam walks a yellow dog who stops to wait
from time to time in circles of park-lamp light
to regard the old man, his hobbled gait.
Old knees persist like memory tonight
when trees spread branches like dinosaur bones
across night’s starless planetarium dome.
The benches are empty. People are at home
with blue tv screens and ringing phones.
In the carbon haze of a Sunday street
sparse maple and elm stir in the cold breeze
their neuron shadows mingle and repeat
beneath these galleries of planted trees.
Alone, the dog pauses again to wait
for Sam to catch up, though the hour grows late.
Reviews
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Unfinished?
Dear Chicago,
I like this as I like most of your stuff but I have lots of criticism of it as you'll see. I won't apologize for that as it's all purely technical stuff, not artistic, and therefore you shouldn't be offended, I certainly mean no offense. As I said, I like the poem, it has great imagery, mood and use of language. It's worth getting right.
However,it's virtually impossible, even for a philistine of form such as I, to miss the fact that you have written a sonnet in iambic pentameter here. I may not be a fan of strict form but I do respect its rigors and if you take them on, you take them on and should meet them. Having laid out the challenge to yourself so clearly, I can't think why you'd flirt with it and not perfect it, when it's clearly within your powers.
I wonder are you counting syllables arithmetically and not listening to yourself read aloud? Because read aloud, this simply doesn't scan without turning ridiculous somersaults of stretching and compressing vowels, syllables, trochees and whatever. Ending lines with weak syllables like 'maples' and 'staples' is making life very difficult for yourself and it shows.And why did you split it 14 - 2 and not the classic 8 - 6? It serves no great purpose that I can see.
I did some work to make it scan. It involved some fairly major reconfiguring, especially in lines 11 to 14 where staples and maples had to just go I think. I'll message it over for your consideration.
Best Wishes
>W<
. Rewarded 8
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Discourse of the pedant
"Stroke. Don't dab with the brush!"
I can go about the task of explaining the emotions that a poem like this evokes in me: the narrative and contrasting entwinded colours, themes, albeit I'm not a fan of similes. Suffice to say though, there is nothing *wrong* with this poem. Indeed it's very endearing and humbling. I agree with Windhover's compliments but not the rhetoric.
The self-contradicting hauteur of the comment on this poem is completely misplaced. The Internet and its dedicated forums such as sharepoetry, is a meltingpot towards change. And therefore, I liken this ridiculous slight to the reactionary comments to other divergent styles of art: a traditionalist will have trouble coming to terms with the breaks this poem supposedly makes, while a someone suffering with OCD will fret, have trouble sleeping and potentially try to hack into the server.
There are plenty of examples of language metamorphosising, one would be the nature of etymology. Who cares what some pipe-smoking academics think? You can be bold because the unrules of the Internet say you can be. The technicality of poetry had originated somewhere; it's a printed form dictated almost entirely by muse, not a function of custom or its critical patronage or indeed a necessarian -- unless the artist sees it fit.
I can think of why dearchicago would flirt with style. Because people brave enough, who take the step to use a style's best features should be indeed congratulated for their contribution as opposed to reprimanded. Lets face it, dearchicago didn't pigeonhole their piece and so the comment wasn't a critisism; it's a reorientation to the status quo because anyone can respectfully observe genre rules: you find the instructions and abide. Due respect of a style could appropriately be delivered as a commemoration of a snapshot before a new transition naturally takes place. -
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Shooting the Messenger
Hi Exo. This impassioned commentary in defence of a poem (which in my opinion is far from one of DearChigago s best) by lambasting Windhover´s accurate, helpful and highly pertinent critique was, in your own words, "completely misplaced", mate!
DC didn´t need to pigeonhole this for anyone who dabbles in poetry to see the iambic pentameter and as such technicalities ARE an issue.
If you´ve read any of my own scribble then you know I´m all for fucking with genre, neologisms and as you say "reorientation to the status quo" but with all due respect to DearChicago "The World is Ugly..." doesn´t do this.
Other work of his (Maneaters and Primates to name a couple) are in my view far better written, inventive and beyond any style-straightjacket consideration.
I agree with your sentiments concerning internet and the efficacy of sharepoetry to serve as a meltingpot towards change, Exo, and blasting a crap comment is also good (inane, ignorant, worthless comments abound even on this site and make me puke!) but, mate, to pervert rules you have to know them and the better versed an innovator is with a system, the more original and compelling a deviation/reinvention will be.
And this is the salient reason to participate at swearpoetry - to improve through constructive criticism. Reasons MUST be given if you don´t like a piece (too many critiques are too fucking lazy to do so). Windhover gives his reasons in a clear, forthright manner whether you agree or not.
Your rant on the other hand whilst expressing your personal bias says little of any use to the poet in question other than that you experienced some form of emotional epiphany upon reading.
Rather a severe critique that gives its reasons than a comment merely serving as an excuse to vent umbrage.
Sorry, Exoskeletal, your comment, UNlike your poetry, was superficial - not even skin-deep.
Cheers
gG
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Hi dearchicago. Previous pieces of yours have given me high expectations - the benchmark is lofty after your Maneaters piece and Primates so I hope you will forgive if I found this piece lacking somewhat and as W says unfinished.
The title especially does nothing I feel to reflect the poem. There is more melancholy than ugliness here and though decreptitude and allusions to loneliness in old age are clear Sam isn´t fleshed out or generalised enough to make me care about him or his hound or similar circumstances for other old folks.
Compared to the thought-burrowing intensity and creative language of your other work this seems a little trite and hasty write.
I think it might benefit from discarding rhyme altogether and simply describing the scene and the ripples of contemplation it evokes in the observer.
Regards
gG. Rewarded 8
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Well. We've got some controversy here and I'd like to weigh in. Windhover criticized this form because it didn't strictly adhere to the sonnet form. I can appreciate that, but can't I bend the rules-- I made the poem after all. At the same time Windhover's criticisms were completely fair-- He's been a very helpful critic of my work in the past. I just don't agree sith him here.
I don't count this among my best poems. At the same time it is doing something different than other poems. I also think that while this poem might seem trite, I think there's some subtlety here.
I think verse can be a straight jacket, but maybe one that can help free-verse folk like w, g and myself. -
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Well said.
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Windhover
April 30, 2008