She can do everything at once.
She can make cleverness
seem like a dying breed.
She is a seventies girl,
likes fake pearls and flowers
and I love her.
She can't finish writing a letter,
she can't get it to the mail box
and she could not, will not, wants not
to read yours after last summer;
boyfriend number what now? seventy-two?
Because she needs me, not you.
She just doesn't see it yet.
I imagine her waking out of a dream
as if all her demons shook her
from her catatonic roots.
I imagine myself there to say
that I loved her too
once she finally stopped listening
to her logic ridden moods.
I imagine the beach,
the one we spent our mornings waking up on.
I imagine the salted waves
and birds and tired middle aged moms
relieved at their kids' play.
Still can't stand to swim there anymore.
The water feels like it's eating away my bones.
I don't know what's good for me
but I do, I'm a democrat, spiritual too.
She's a queen who always bought
the right pair of shoes and I loved her.
But she can't see me, she only sees herself
and lives inside what she creates.
Reviews
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She just doesn't see it yet....
But she can't see me, she only sees herself
and lives inside what she creates. ...
Those two parts/lines...Really stood out to me.
This is quite an intriguing write, I enjoyed the descriptiveness and how you imagine her...I imagine...etcthat worked well.
Poetic and an enjoyed read
Cindy
. Rewarded 6
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Hey, Cindy! Thanks for stopping by and reading this one
The lines you liked were the lines I felt were the crux of the matter. Being invisible yet wanting that person to see you, really see you, I mean. It makes for an odd atmosphere and relationship, that's for sure.
I hope you have been well! Thanks again.
Kristin
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"Still can't stand to swim there anymore.
The water feels like it's eating away my bones."
That really captures the lonliness of the piece, in my opinion of course.
Its an unfortunate scenario you speak of, especially when dealing with one who "lives inside what she creates". I enjoyed reading this despite the sad after taste, great job!
-RD
. Rewarded 6
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It's nice to hear from you, moose. We haven't spoken for a while. Message me sometime, yeah?
Thanks for reading this and leaving a comment.
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Heh, I'd message you if only my internet trips were not stolen work time >_
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hey saresa
i really liked the juxtaposition of the first two stanzas, she can do everything, followed by she cant do anything.
for some reason the rest wanders a little, like you were writing it for yourself, and the last line came out flat, i think you should end on the next to last line.
dave. Rewarded 6
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Hey dave, I'm glad you picked that out.
Wanna know a secret? This was half written for myself. The other half for another who shares these qualities.
I'll have to think about that last line.
Kristin
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I've reread this a couple times and I still can't decide if this is really good, but underpolished or if it's just accidentally spiffy in places. My thoughts: Cut the repetition down to a minimum. Unless this is a song (In which case none of my comment applies) repetition is very hard to pull off well. Focus on showing and not telling. "I loved her" is a little annoying. I feel like muttering "Okay, okay, whatever, I get it."
Usually, specific examples and images will make for a stronger impression than simple telling. SO yes, kill the rep., focus the images/ Example:
I imagine myself there to say
"I love you."
We spent our mornings
waking up on the beach.
The salted waves rustled
at birds and tired moms sighed,
relieved at their kids' play.
And yeah, I know, this is my own personal stylistic approach, and probably helluva annoying that I took your words and reshuffled them, but this is what I meant with my critique. And critique = subjective.
Good luck writing!
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you, for taking the time to read and comment on this, it is much appreciated.
And even if your critique is your own stylistic approach, I'm happier when someone takes the time to rearrange my thoughts as it can be a much needed thing.
I won't yank your chain here, I intend to keep most of what this is as it is since I too have my own 'style'.
Again, thanks!
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hey kristin
don't really have too much time to leave a comment, but I will say for now that I really enjoyed it alot. I like the internal rhymes, I think maybe some of the structure or line spacing or structure, whatever ya wanna call it. Could use some polishing. But other than that I really liked it alot. A good truthful emotion write. Good job. And as usual you look at from a different angle than most would. Unique. I'll be back to leave another comment, hopefully soon, but more in depth, at least in other areas.
. Rewarded 8
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Thank you, Marcus. I may delve into this and do some serious changes, I may not, I may only meet myself half-way there. It is free-verse after all and I was in such a mood, I hardly cared if it fit a certain format.
Things have to improve in this, though, for sure. Looking forward to your more in depth comment. I love your viewpoints!
Kristin
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wow... =)
MaMa-2-be-Cindy
April 30, 2008