wine

i've got five smooth stones in my pocket
from my stomach the time i kneeled
on a yellowed tile bathroom floor
over a black-seated toilet alter and puked
a prayer for redemption

and maybe you heard me

but these stones are kinda small, God
didn't you see the six pages of my Masterworks essay?
due last Friday?
and today is Tuesday?
or maybe i need a bigger sling

i don't think you heard me

it's finals week and all i can do is type
aimlessly about my keyboard as if
my fingers never knew me
and i have never known Jesus

or maybe i need a megaphone

or a microphone
or a cellular phone
or a pre-paid or call-waiting pay-phone
to get my point across
i've got five smooth stones in my pocket, God
but that didn't stop me from lusting into
pornographic compulsion
from stripping down the uniform of a hentai schoolgirl last week, from
basking in the heat of fornication and no
i haven't yet plucked out these lustful eyes or cut off my blasphemous hands with the non-serrated steel blade of my Buck knife
though you're telling me i need to

and believe me, i hear you!

i've got five smooth stones in my pocket
but they haven't taken flight
i figured they might help me slaughter
my insecurity but i don't think i
have the strength to throw them
God, all i ask is that you keep me on-track because
i'm so prone to wander
off the Psalm 23 paths of righteousness
to lay beside un-still waters and drink
of laziness and procrastination and worry and depression
and i thought i had enough struggles and hard lessons
learned to serve as a catharsis of fear and pain
cuz this seems to be all this semester has contained
so maybe i am desensitized
like the ancient Greeks used to do
as in the play Oedipus Rex
where at least the king stabbed his eyes out when he learned
he was wrong only
mine is of hypocrisy
because i claim to be a Christian
hoping nobody sees Judas
and i've known this for a long time
oh Jesus i'm a failure of a man who only ever slung mud
and then you give me five smooth stones, say
git-er-done, and expect
for me to trust you but
please
where did you run off to?