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I'm not feeling okay

I can't feel
The nerves are
shutting down
I go numb
The words form
but are undone
I suffacate with no light of a surface above

I'm going down
I'm fading out........

I can't make out where it all goes wrong
I tried to hold your hand.....
I just wanted to belong....
I tried to kiss your lips
I'd waited all yearlong....
and when you pulled away....
when you pulled away......

Now
I Can't
Do this
anymore
I'm
All Alone
So dead
I just want to go home


I don't know
how to move
my legs are stuck to the ground as if glued
And I don't know
I feel so screwed
and I just hate how I'm veiwed

I just can't...

I can't feel
The nerves are
shutting down
I go numb
The words form
but are undone
I suffacate with no light of a surface above

I'm going down
I'm fading out........

Author notes

I'll tinker with it monday

It's not done, I did it as a quickwrite. I still have alot to tweak about it

    : Comment:

Comments


  • damsel
    May 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Pretty Good

    This seems to portray the simple concept, we all get hurt. It's almost like someone left you and took everything you were with them. I can relate to that. My ex was my world at the time. I do still love him but it's almost like I keep wishing he will come back. Ever since he left me, i've felt so empty. like he walked away with everything i was. It's like you took what i was feeling and made it your own. even though it was a quick write, i do rlly like it. you took the one thing i've been trying to write about, and you put it into the perfect words.


  • MaMa-2-be-Cindy silver member
    May 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I suffacate ..should be I suffocate

    first of all..putting written in twelve minutes in the title..doens't mean it will gain more attention..second of all, poetry is not about how little or long of a time it took to write..so you really don't need to say that..you'll find many of the mature poets finding that off putting.

    Very deep and strong words in your poem here.

    you don't need .... at the end of some of the lines there. it only interupts the flow.

    Otherwise a piece where I felt the emotion...felt like you truly where fading out..


    Thanks for sharing

    Cindy

    language: 3, rhythm: 3, subject: 3, tone: 2, form: 2.


  • Dirty and Broken
    May 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hm..interesting...i like it....could use a bit of spellcheck but otherwise, i really do like it.....