There are distances I can't touch,
horizons to which walking will not bring me.
Tabletop stretching -
There are fingertips and nails
and accidental marks of not-so
accidental mistakes, like wine rings
on white tablecloth, bite-mark
curves on the plastic fork.
There are beds, and moans,
pulled from the chest
of some inner dog,
thrice-kicked and hemorrhaging
onto the tablecloth. The world
is splattered with red splotches,
rotting fruit on the counter, oil
and grime in pores.
There are windows, and starlings fall
to the birdfeeder. The bruise-eyed
blue-jay with jagged feathers
tilts its head; a dare
to (not) comment.
Hair comes away between fingers;
an offering from my body
to my pomegranate seed soul.
The tabletop stretches in paisley
whispers. There are distances
I won't touch.
All, thoughts, critique, comments are welcome
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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screw the publishers!
Noc,
i enjoyed you're use of detail. a few images that suck with me are the "bruised-eyed blue-jay" and "curves on the plastic fork." really, your choice of focus is excellent.
but you need to let go.
if you take out some of the commas, your poem would not be so constricted in flow. in my poetry, i take things to the extreme, i know, but consider letting your poem flow smoother. fragments are ok. simply state the images. lett them speak for themselves.
consider removing "there are," "the" and "and" from your poem. coupled with little punctuation and capitalization, your poem would better convey the sense of incompletion, imperfection, of "not being able to touch."
best,
Pap ">
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i don't think i understand your poem, at all.....i mean, i think it's cool, i like it, i like the imagery, and everything, i just don't get it....
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It's a rare thing for me to read a poem on this site and have such a visceral reaction! I think there are some changes to be made, but overall its a great poem
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Changes? I'd love to hear your thoughts - I'm always open to critique and opinions. (:
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This is incredibly..
pieced together, yet I am giving you as much credit as my words will allow. Nocturne, there are few poets that I strive to attain the same skill as them, but I think from this day forth I will be visiting your page often. Such perfect visual imagery placed in my mind, this is simply fantastic. The tabletop is a perfect example of not being able to get somewhere you want, because no matter how far you stretch your hands across it, you will not reach the other end. (Excluding end tables and several coffee tables, of course) Honestly, I am going to say this write of yours is quite finished, and perfect in its own way. I dont give applause often, but I think you have hard-earned one from me.
Kudos,
Renji
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wow. that's the one word that will describe all i have to say for this poem...(not really).
the imagery was simply amazing!! this was such a lovely read, i enjoyed it a lot, and i thank you for writing it. i just want to say first of all, that using the table to represent how you can't reach something was a very well though out idea. it was enjoyable.
even though you feel tall, there are still some things that may make you feel short.
thank you for the read
Sachiro ^^
. Rewarded 8
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Things and places we can not attain.
No matter how hard we try certain things will always be just out of our reach. I think the short line format you've chosen fits the poem well. I like the fact that you didn't stick to a strict format for it. This to me is metaphorically speaking of the world.
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oh wow. this is an amazing poem. You also write like I do, which is awesome. I loved the images that came to my mind when i was reading this poem. You are truely talented.
Papyrus
May 3, 2008
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