impending doom

a paranoia builds inside my chest
the left side to be correct i fear
it skips a beat every four
or five like unprecise
clockwork
tick tock tick skip and

my heart beats to an unpatterned rhythm i think
resembles a habit
of randomness my
schedule stops and starts and waits and
races through unsteady fazes like fast-food
crazes and tonight i ate a double cheese
from Mc'y D's and a soggy Mc Chicken which adds up to
over a thousand calories not including
the Oreo Mc Flurry and the Apple Pie
and the Cherry Pie i took home but haven't yet eaten because
they are two for a dollar
but some days i eat nothing

my sleep has no pattern but throughout the disorder i find connection so can predict
how i might shut my eyes the next time although
not when and where but only when
i run out of energy
i crash
wherever i am which explains why
i am up late typing this poem waiting
till sleep submits me to gravity's ebbing
till i can walk again
those first steps after sleep so reminiscent
of a childhood moment stored
on a VHS somewhere proves
i was born with the instinctual tendency
to wander
and fall
and whine
and get up and
continue
an imperfect cyclical intention i never intended to go
anywhere
just walk because i can but never consider
stumbling

God knows
my every move so why
inside my heart jumps rope and why
he chooses to live
here instead of heaven and why
i can and do
stop
him with contrapostal compromises slouching
to imperfect posture
while intelligent human beings ask
why won't God heal amputees?