Wireless.

Reviews

• 
  Papyrus
  May 15
  
  Edit | Reply

  "get it right! keep it tight!"

  Amy-K,
  
  ah, another dark one from u. always enjoyable...and u know me. haha...
  
  
  i suggest a bit of tightening:
  
  
  "from my" (2nd line) - "via"
  
  "in" (2nd line) - "through" or something else besides "in" (already used in 1st line)
  
  omit "and" (3rd line) - not necessary w/ "yet" (chose one or the other. i think "yet" sounds the better)
  
  omit "to" (last line, the later) - add comma/dash. or, change 1st "to" - "for" (the point here is to get rid of two "to"'s and tighten up the last line).
  
  also, consider omitting "the" in first line. something like, "caught rhythmically dialing letters" flows better. is there an angrier word than "caught"? - something more furious - hmmm... furious is a good word. haha. "rhythmically" sounds too peaceful, as well. "haphazardly"? idk. lol.
  
  
  so few words. every one counts.
  
  
  really stick-it to her!
  
  
  best,
  
  
  Pap
  
  
  p.s. - how ya been???

  . Rewarded 8
• • 
    amykmc
    May 16
    Edit | Reply

    i tried.

    I did what you said, and then, guess what happened...
    
    It looked like you wrote it! Hehe, I love your input.
    
    And yet, I don't know if I like it in such few words, or if I'm really all that furious. And I write the way I would generally speak, so I don't see myself saying "Via" in a normal conversation. Maybe I should use the thesaurus more often, but I like words that come to me naturally.
    
    P.S., I find out the gender on the 21st!
  • • 
      Papyrus
      May 16
      Edit | Reply

      *washes mouth w/ soap

      Amy-K,
      
      blah.
      
      i sound like a school teacher.
      
      forget my last comment. for all your poem's awkwardness, it does sound like one might say something like this. very rapid, in-the-moment, not elegant but hard hitting.
      
      i like it just as it is. besides, i've been really taking to more natural sounding poetry myself. written as if i might actually say it. so i should eat my own words. haha. my last comment was just my minimalist paranoia spasing out.
      
      sorry 'bout that.
      
      can't wait to hear 'bout your child's gender. heck, if it were me (hopefully someday), i'd keep it a surprise and wait till it pops out. hahaha. that sounds gross.
      
      best,
      
      Pap
• 
  MaMa-2-be-Cindy
  May 17
  
  Edit | Reply
  A short sharp to the point piece AmyK
  
  For someone to yearn for a reason to hate...well gee's thats not healthy lol
  
  Hope pregnancy is coming along well
  
  Cin

  . Rewarded 4