Birthed into this asterism
bewildered to materializing
expansion;
appearing immortal.
Drifting, bearing no significance
waiting direction
from ‘powers’ of greatness.
Navigating masses form
educated, now content to linger
glistening; creating moments in time.
Where life, shall come death
All, were never naïve to such facts.
Feed on perspectives
sparkling participants,
witness eternities darkness
beckon.
Chosen,
they become the fallen.
Still
such demise manages a hold
on delicate
memorable, elegance.
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Um I don't know speak the truth lol :)
Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poemReviews
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Wow
I've read quite a few of your poems, and they're always good, but this one really has a depth to it that I've yet to see from you!
You seem to do with pictures what I do with music, only better :-p
Keep up the great work, I look forward to more enjoyable reads!
-RD
. Rewarded 6
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yes my gift is picture..and when I am not rushed by time contraints then the my true gift does come out
I like to agree with you on everything with this one
One of those ones I am so proud of, and haven't felt like that etc in a while
So thank you
Cindy
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I'm opting out of points for now, as I just wanted to let say thank you for inviting me to read this one. I want to take my time with it.
Later,
Lauren -
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No problems Lauren, I look forward to hearing your thoughts
Cindy
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Far out man, you got any more of that stuff, I'm running low. OK, since it´s you I'm gonna use this for the first time ever -lol. But you did get really out there on this one, relatively sober, I can tell, just joshing you. I know this is probably way off the mark, but it feels like the creation of, if not our universe, then something like it. Powerful and ingenious and creative use of words and syntax. Cheers, MJ
. Rewarded 8
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hehehe okay so the first two lines, don't make a whole lot of sense to me lol
but doesn't matter...it's not the creation of the universe..i dont want to go into a big explanaiton and give it away to everyone else etc..but in simpleness it's about a star being born, life and death.
Definitely was going for powerful with this one
, like the stars themselves
Cindy
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I've read this several times over, Cindy, and, forgive me, but I'm not entirely sure what it's about, even with the picture. The first stanza seemed solidly about stars-- they certainly seem immortal to us short-lived beings.
But then the second stanza threw me. Should line six be, "awaiting"? And in Line 7- I found the quotation marks distracting. Also, the stars do not drift, so with that and the third stanza, I thought maybe you were shifting the subject to humanity, (hence the title) at least that's how I read it-- the evolution of man, "form[ing] educated. . . creating moments in time." Time only really matters to humanity, after all.
Then:
"Where life, shall come death
All, were never naive to such facts." Ummm . . . yes? I get that it's supposed to be the crux of the piece, as it's spoken like a pronouncement, but of what? Are we back to the stars? That they are aware that they die-- hearkening back to the "seem immortal" line in the first stanza? Or is it about humans, who are most certainly not "never naive." The commas REALLY confuse me-- throughout the piece, in fact, the punctuation seems random. While I don't mind random punctuation sometimes in poetry to convey a sense of unreality or disconnect, I'm not sure what purpose it serves here.
"Feed on perspectives
sparkling participants,
witness eternities darkness
beckon." I really like this stanza. It is clearly a reference to stars, and I just like the way it sounds-- the subtle assonance of perspectives, sparkling, participants, witness, etc., makes it feel like a low but urgent whisper.
"Chosen,
they become the fallen." My favorite lines. It seems to weave in them waiting (or awaiting) direction from the higher power-- and they are selected to fall from the sky. I've always thought that devils are also made by God.
"Still
such demise manages a hold
on delicate
memorable, elegance."
Still puzzling over this as well. Certainly, the demise of a star is memorable, but the bit about elegance? Not sure.
Overall, I CAN see that you worked very hard on this piece, and you have every reason to be proud. Just because I don't get it, doesn't mean that it's not an important piece-- I have found that the poems that I have written and mean the most to me don't necessarily strike a chord with the audience. Conversely, I have written pieces that don't seem so stellar, (ahem), but really connect on some level to the reader. This IS an original, no question about that. Not understanding it did not stop me from enjoying the diction, which is very fine. Once again, I am delighted that you invited me to have a look at this one specifically. You're right-- getting a chance to ponder the stars and the dawn of humanity are some of my favorite subjects to ponder, and you have given me a lot to ponder with this piece.
Good luck on making it to the next round of the competition!
Cheers,
Lauren
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Hi Lauren, thank you for all your thoughts
I do definitiely understand the whole liking a pome but not nessicarily completely understanding/grasping it etc
Maybe one thing I will admit to is drifting is wrong...but let me explain the piece to you first--
Birthed into this asterism
bewildered to materializing
expansion;
appearing immortal.
i am saying basically a star is born to this materializing ( appearing before eyes etc )
expansion appearing immortal..is simply saying the expansion of stuff before eys appears immortal
So were drifting may be wrong and I am not sure what to honestly make a change to
I am saying the star is drifting bearing no significance yet and waiting ( yes agree on awaiting whoops lol ) direction
from powers of greatness..i mean, a greater power..like maybe I dont have a specific, but in the degree of telling the tale for the star etc..but I do agree with looking at it again now..I am taking the '' off powers..maybe it will say it better to not be doing that..
Navigating masses form
educated, now content to linger
glistening; creating moments in time.
Saying, the stars, many now form together, group basically and now they have eductaion ( which i know they dont really get etc, but thats the creative story telling etc )..now content to linger takes it back to the drifting bearing no significance, to say now content to linger...to be a star, glisten and create moments in time..
I am saying the expansion before them appeared immortal not that they not that they had no knowledge of death.
it's not meant to be the crux of my poem actually--Where life, shall come death
All, were never naïve to such facts.
but rather something that I felt worked better on it's own like that..it is going back to the star saying simply they wre never niave to such facts..but hmm..it is inappropriate i even wonder myself now..i don't know lol
So You obviously got the next one..and i am talking about stars feeding on views and witness this darkness that goes on and on forever, beckon
Yes going back to the greater power etc, your right..I am saying chosen they now become fallen.. i.e. die...but in the degree of a star i am using fallen as a falling star.
in still such demise manages a hold on delicate memorable elegance...is that even in its death, it holds onto delicatness, beauty in falling/dying...the elegance .
If that makes sense
Thank you so much for all your thoughts...I still have a day or two left before judging etc...Maybe I think I will go back to it, do a few tweaks...in the end I had worked on it so much lol, my head was exploding hehe
Much appreciated Lauren, from your poems I have read before etc, I had felt you might enjoy this, but never did I think it would be so confusing...
your the only one to say it to me so far, is that, that no-one else wants to be honest, or what lol
Cindy
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I read this piece. And re-read it. It does have the mysticism that the wide-black-night sky has. Perhaps thats what renders this poem a magnetic quality. I also read Celestial Pie's comments below. In all honesty I think her feedback is always awesome, and even if it is not on my poetry, I still love reading it to understand her insights. To share some of my own insights... i guess the poem is about stars, and for me, throughout, the poem draws between the cyclicity of a stars life and that of humans. So unlike the way Pie feels that you "Switch over" to humans, i got the feeling that through the poem, you are primarily talking about stars, and implying a parallel with humans by giving stars human qualities; an extended transferred epiteth if you will. But i do agree with pie's comment on lack of clarity, in parts. It's more so because of the punctuation and twisted grammar and line structure than anything else. "form educated", "Where life" "death\all", "eternities darkness". Do not misunderstand me. THe meaning and the intention does flow from these words, but they just feel a bit clumsy while reading. Lastly the end, I feel, is the greatest strength. Had I written this piece, I would have been horribly tempted to write cliches about "living on in memories" after death, etc. etc. Your ending works beautifully for me. Gives a lot of meaning to the life of the astral children. Overall, as I said, the mystical quality of the poem is very haunting and just grips a reader in its magic. Its a beautifully written piece. Best of luck for your competition. PS: My "Enter" key is not working. So not my fault that i couldn't split this comment into paragraphs. I can not go to the next line
. Rewarded 8
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I thought this was pretty trippy. What were you ingesting when you wrote this? I liked it! I'm not educated enough to give you an accademic critique, but I thought this was a homage to the birth of stars?
. Rewarded 4
RoisinDubh
May 29