Affected

"This day was worse than any other" I came home crying to my mother My eyes felt heavy, filled with dismay "This pain won't stop, it won't go away" As I recounted the upsetting affair My face was concerned showing despair "I could have noticed problems had grown I could've seen it, she was skin and bone" True, there had been a gradual change And I will admit, it did seem strange "Her baggy clothes I didn't understand, plus excuses and exercise, all carefully planned" I never imagined it'd happen to a friend The need to be secretive and constantly pretend I continued on about her dizzy feelings And the poor eating she'd been concealing "Apparently, it was a secret that no one knew When I first heard, I thought it was untrue" Then I sat down and gave it some thought, It made sense and I became distraught "How could she have hid it for so long That when it came out she was not strong? She was very malnourished, she couldn't fight, Because she was weak she died last night" I was too upset to continue talking Turned to my room and started walking Affected by my friend's tragic death, I then vowed, "this is my final breath" Advil bottles laid with her on the floor And a note which said, "I can't cope anymore" We're saddened she didn't last 'till dawn On the next morning, she too was gone

Is the ending too dark, or does it make it interesting that way?

Reviews

• Shya
  August 2, 2008
  
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  The entire poem seems a little fake and a little forced, though you do have some good phrases in there sometimes. The ending is a little unclear... who died too? The speaker's mother or the speaker herself? Although I don't think it makes sense that someone should commit suicide because her friend commited suicide...
  
  Here's my ratings, and why:
  Form 4/5 - The rhyming was done well and it flowed, although sometimes the way you worded a line made it sound forced. For example, ""How could she have hid it for so long/ That when it came out she was not strong?"
  Actually, I feel that it is difficult to express sorrow in rhyme because of the jovial rhythm that rhyme creates. Perhaps you could try writing this in free verse, with more powerful phrases.
  Rhythm 5/5 - done very well.
  Tone 3/5 - It is mostly consistent but many phrases sound forced, perhaps because you were trying to make it rhyme. I thought that near the end of the poem, the speaker's tone did not sound desperate enough, and leads to the reader thinking that she commiting suicide was fake.
  Language 2/5 - There were very few similes and metaphors, and few extremely unique descriptive phrases. However, I did like the way you lead the reader into the story in the beginning.
  Subject 1/5 - The emotions in this poem were not strong enough to move the reader, and so it only tells a story that rhymes.
  
  I hope this criticism helps... =)
  Shya

  . Rewarded 8
• 
  Olinda
  October 6, 2008
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  this is pretty good actually
• 
  February Angel
  October 15, 2008
  
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  I do not think that the poem is fake or forced .Because in here you've talked about great emotions ,feelings like true friendship and how bad the person felt without her friend.
  The imagery is perfect and some of your lines send shivers down my spine.The ending is not unclear like sb said.It's dark poetry and it's obvious the style is a bit confusing ,and there's a feeling you're drowning in the darkness.
  "...this is my final breathe " was my favorite in here .
  * The ending makes the poem interesting of course,but it's too painful .
  Good job! Keep it up!