Share Poetry Critiques Poetry       Forums       Freewrite       Store      

Razor blade in hand

Your thoughts are full of honesty,
but words are all I hear.
Lying, cheating, worthless bits
of never-ending fear.

I raise my voice to silence yours
then grieve at your demise.
Looking down, I turn around
to hide my tear-filled eyes.

I've always sworn to never fall,
yet in this pit I stand.
Complicated thoughts,
razor-blade in hand.

 

I want to whisper in your ear
help me, please just help.
Instead I wander aimlessly
through fields of all I've felt.

 

Drifting on, you make your mark
by branding me with hate.
Freedom's what I want,
my life I musn't take.



 

Help with the title?

Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poem

Reviews


  • X-haydenx-xnochio-X
    June 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    call it

    razor blade in hand


  • Ludmila607
    June 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Good One

    I like to read this poem as much as have a talk to you.
    Hope ypou keep on reading because if you do it so as a young boy you have a grat future.
    Dont give up writing and kkep watching Dr House and Horse Race.
    Realy gald to read you. Ludmila.


  • Windhover gold member
    June 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Skip, you show a growing and impressive command of rhyme and meter here. I know you work with lyrics and maybe this fits that scheme, but in general I HATE rhyming meter as a form for anything but humour, it just reeks of greeting-card schmalz. At least this is cleverly, almost slickly rendered, but in general I'd avoid this form. Since you've chosen to use it, it's imperative to stick to the beat you start off with and this stanza falls off the wagon.

    I've always sworn to never fall,
    yet in this pit I stand.
    Complicated thoughts,
    razor-blade in hand.

    The tyranny of rhyming meter DEMANDS more syllables, like maybe

    I've always sworn to never fall,
    yet in this pit I stand.
    Complicated thoughts abound,
    a razor-blade in hand.

    I'm not even going to talk about the content. Good to see you around! >W<


  • Bluebird
    June 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I Feel It

    Very good. The last two stanzas lack impact... unlike the first three. The first three stanzas could stand alone as a complete poem and the impact would not be diluted, as it is now... my only critical comment.

    Rhyme and meter are fine. You can use them without losing yourself. read some of my stuff and tell me what you think about rhyme. Bluebird

  • oxymoron270
    June 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's so good and sad!

    Like hell you don't write as well as me. You write way better. I guess we'll need to agree to disagree on this matter.

    Anyway, awesome poem!


  • Crystal Ellens
    June 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this, this is really good.

    I can relate to were you say

    I raise my voice to silence yours
    then grieve at your demise
    Looking down I turn around
    to hide my tear filled eyes.

    I can relate to that. Excellent job on the write I like the flow you have going through it.


  • kep
    July 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    brilliant

    I really like this, it flows really well. Only thing I would say is the line "freedom..." I think it would read better if it was "Freedom is what I want", then "So my life I musn't take"

    Just my view, nonetheless its ace.