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First Meeting(hybridanelle in the works)

When I first met you and looked into your eyes,
I felt like I had known you even before I lived.
A straightforward man of no disguise.

It was just an instance- a flash of recognition
but in that moment a flame ignited
soaring passion, and eternal vision.

Longing for someone to hear my endless cries,
now expectation had arrived,
when I first met you and looked into your eyes.
my life long dreams had been shattered,
A life of abuse, and now all had been righted,
but in that moment a flame ignited. 

Shock was not so great;it was more of a sigh,
for in my dreams of you  I had always survived,
a straightforward man of no disguise.

my life long dreams had been shattered.
a new radiance of hope filled the air,
A life gone wrong- now none of it mattered,

Questions of destiny have been asked by the wise
yet all were answered for me- all answers to why,
when I first met you and looked into your eyes.

I could never understand how life could be so unfair
but it was all worth it to meet you,
a new radiance of hope filled the air.

Life long cries answered with your gentle sighs,
imparting on us blessings, freely to give,
a straightforward man with no disguise.

Living my life out in ignorance like a fool,
never understanding the meaning of it all,
But it was worth it to meet you.

So tenderly, and gently wiping my tears dry,
So empathetic you were- my spirit revived,
when I first met you and looked into your eyes,
a straightforward man of no disguise.

Eternity stood still, the moment you I saw;
it was just an instance- a flash of recognition.
I had heard your life long call:
soaring passion, and eternal vision.

Just be honest, but know this is my very first of this type! ?

Sorry, you cannot respond to an archived poem

Reviews


  • August 25, 2005
    Edit | Reply
    When I came to the 7-12th lines I felt that you were becoming a bit repetitious. Just repeating what you had already stated above that. Repetition is fine but so early in the poem it isn’t.

    Also you have short verses before that one and after it, I feel it could use a condensing and break up of lines, either continuation or shortening.

    Line 13 there should be a space between the colon and the next word.

    Line 35, at the end, it’s redundant at the end, should re-word that to seem less redundant and more empathatic. It also seemed as if it was a forced rhyme. Usually forced rhymes come after and not before, you actually worked it to be before.

    I understand that you’re working in a set form: hybridanelle, and the repetition is a part of the piece, but it’s close together in the beginning, should be spaced out and concise.

    . Rewarded 4


    • Duana gold member
      August 25, 2005
      Edit | Reply

      Thanks!

      Thank you for your wonderful feedback. This is my rough draft. I still have to add meter to it, and parallelism, and work out the rough spots as you mentioned. But your feedback is very helpful, and I will be sure to keep them all in mind when it comes to the point of me doing my final draft. I will aslo let you know when it is complete.


  • Trellis
    August 25, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Looks very good to me!

    I’m not familiar with this form – I’m a novice poet. But the rhyming pattern looks well executed. (I’, curious – I’ll have to look up the form and find out why the pattern is different from lines 7 thru 12, and again from lines 31 thru 38). Also, I don’t know if this is supposed to have this many stanzas, but it seems a bit lengthy for my taste. For me, when a poem gets to be too long, its starts to lose me. The ones that really grab me are the shorter ones. There could be some redundancy in this piece. I love the subject matter. Its beautiful! And your word selection couldn’t be better. My only concern is the length. But again, that could be what is required for a hybridanelle – I’m not sure. Great job! You’ve always been one of my favorite poets on AP!

    . Rewarded 4


  • Klixxz
    October 16, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    nice

    On the long side, but that’s not a bad thing. I dig the repition. Good show on that. Just polish it here and there and you’re in tip top shape.

    . Rewarded 4

  • Mario
    December 2, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Beautiful

    I must say I felt you thoroughly throughout the poem. You were very descriptive and allow the reader to picture your thoughts. It may just be me, but I think that the last line could be re-worded to end the poem with somewhat of a bang. All in all, good work.

    . Rewarded 4


  • Pookiebubu
    December 3, 2005
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent Job!

    Hi there! I think you did a great job with this form, especially since this is your first time. I've seen this form floating around at AllPoetry, but this is the first that I've read. The rhyme and form are great. I just gave you a 4 out of 5 on the topic, because, I'm sure you know—the topic of love seems to be overused in poetry. I admire your ability to use repetition to such a degree as is required by this form and still make the poem make sense. It is certainly a difficult challenge.
    One thing I didn't like in this piece is that it appears to have some clichéd lines such as Living my life out in ignorance like a fool and soaring passion, and eternal vision. I guess I want to know, what does this mean?
    My favorite line in this piece is A straightforward man of no disguise.
    Again, this is an excellent poem! Thanks for posting it at Sharepoetry!

    . Rewarded 4