I could count on one hand the
pennies in a pound
That you cared for me.
I need to cry or uncoil, but only
Sport and other people's
pain moves me,
and I hate sports.
I've got a growing list of worries
and transactions:
Five fifty two per hour for my training days,
Rent,
Fish food - his name is Zeus,
Travel for interviews, to find another job,
And two quid for two Cokes for my housemate;
she says it'll be enough.
I'm walking home
with the Cokes,
the moon is yellow and sickly.
I can empathise.
Did I, exactly that night, know that
you were ending it?
Not exactly.
I thought we'd break,
And I was wrong and I was right.
You said I washed my face
"Like a kitten".
Was that sexy?
No, I doubt you found me sexy
soaking the bathroom,
knocking over your toothpaste.
It isn't about the money;
the worry, I mean.
I'm wound and winding and wound.
I need to do the washing-up.
Sickly, and I've enough.
Reviews
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Flows
Hey GmH. I've read it a couple of time and the words 'flow of consciousness' are what echo with me. I don't think this could be considered a finished piece (though ANYthing goes nowadays)but it is a tremendous insight into your thought/writing processes - and I wholly approve. You obviously have an 'ear' for what your subconscious is saying to you and a willingness to listent to it. That is where all creativity, and certainly (imho) the best poetry is always to be found.
A good teacher once told me 'if in doubt - leave it out'. He advised that a writer should strip every poem down to its bare bones and not replace a single word that wasn't ablolutely crucial to imparting the message he was trying to get across. This rambles. You need to find its essence.
I hasten to add, these are my PERSONAL opinions and preferences and that I am in no way qualified to 'instruct' you ( and I doubt that anybody really is. YOUR poetry is something you will find for yourself) These are just the things that have 'worked' for me when I tried them.
Once again, I have a good feeling about your stuff. Keep writing. >W< -
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You've hit the nail on the head once again.
I think know how to go on with this one now
Thanks a lot WH! -
I've changed one or two things around (to understate a little!), have a look if you get the chance, it was after all your words of wisdom that helped me look at it properly!
Thanks!
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I really like this. This is such a great description of tension and feeling that goes on inside. There's something about it... There's a story in there...and i feel anxious while i read it, worried. And I can totally empathize too. I also really like how you'd write something and then it'd be like a side note that was part of the poem, for example: "Fish food - his name is Zeus" It just adds to it, makes it more real. It shows a realistic thought process...what goes on inside the mind.
Nice,
Adie -
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Thanks for the comment, I'm particularly glad that it unnerved you a bit, that I got across that anxiety I was feeling at the time that I wrote it
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hey gmh
one of the most tired themes on this site is the woman whose been scorned, but this sings. i agree with windover that this is stream of conscience but thats what makes it so good. sometimes the things that flow are just perfect as they are and should be left exactly as they are. this is one of those.
dave -
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I'm glad I could inject some life in to the scorned woman for you! And also glad you enjoyed the way this one makes its imperfect stumbling across the topic,
Thanks!
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Excellent
Your writing shows an incredible and wonderfully unique style. It was a pleasure to read. Bluebird -
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Thank you very much! I'm glad to know you enjoyed it!
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Windhover
July 24, 2008