Decimated memories of false fidelity
Repulsive repetition of senseless sincerity
Sadistic indulgences of a synthetic psychopath
Lust lathered compulsions of juvenile wrath
Vindictive violations causing crippled confrontations
Irrational irony causing multiple mutations
Valiant vexation resulting in complete incompetence
Unaccounted allegations proving your successful ignorance
I've returned to SP after a very long absence. Tell me what you think?
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Nicely done.
This poem is well written. The rhythm is good and the rhyme scheme was well played out. This "relationship" sounds as though it was doomed from the beginning. I think I get that from your second line. It seems as though you are saying that what you are doing didn't feel right to begin with. The rhythm is just barely off in your last two lines. Not bad though because I hardly noticed it. -
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Yea, a couple people have commented on the questionable flow of the last two lines, something I might have to work out. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and leave a comment. The poem manifested from a relationship of such that you described. A shameful, useless, scandalous, one which was / is not right, and hasn't been from the beginning. Thank you.
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Welcome home! Very well thoughtout.........Like the way one stanza flows to the next. With the illiteration almost sounds like a rap............
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Thanks for the welcome! and Thank you for your comment!
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very good
I liked everything that I read, I started off with the first two lines thinking okay good start, got to the third and fourth and then couldnt wait to get to the end. I was very impressed at this point of the poem, continued to read, continued to love it, until the last two lines, the first line of the two is great, but if your gonna use that line, then to stick with the flow you would have to have the same syllable count that you did in the line before, where in this case there's 16 syllables in the first of the two and 17 in the 2nd of the two. A simple solution is to make a simple change like
"Valiant vexation resulting in complete incompetence
Unaccounted allegations are proving all your ignorance."
But of course all that stuff is up to you, it's just a suggestion. From the beginning up till that last pairing of rhyming lines the flow and poem was excellent. Very good job on that. Just step back and take a look and read them aloud and I think you'll get what I'm saying. Best of luck to ya, Hope to read some more from ya in the future.
TTYL
MM
language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 2, tone: 4, form: 4.
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Thank you so much for you comment. I'm glad you liked it. This is a relatively new poem and I still do need to go back and make some revisions to it with the flow and punctuations, which I'll take care of in due time. Thank you again for your comment! Much appreciated!
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hmmm
i can sense infidelity done all over again here that led to quite a number of bad happenings...am i right? i like the way you used a rhyming scheme in your poem because i don't really write that way, i'm more into free verse...however, i did have trouble reading it through because of the lack of punctuations...maybe, you meant it to be that way and that is your prerogative as the writer, but if you ask me, punctuations can really render more meaning and flow into a poem...so, i do like the poem, even if it speaks of the ills that may befall a relationship with a bad person who only thinks of himself or herself and what he or she can get out of a relationship...but, with punctuations, this can definitely be better...i hope you don't mind... -
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I do agree that punctuation would do this poem some good,I just haven't gotten around to it i guess. Thank you so your comment, much appeciateded. It's less about a relationship but more of the fundamentals behind a secert affiar, if that makes any sense. Thank you again.
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