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Church

when it came time to feed the monkeys
my brain buzzed like an electric wire
blue splotches spread like blooming flowers
full and fluorescent in my retinas
and out of reach as i swung forward
into the bathroom stall and keeled
over like a broken mast pushed past
windwhippingsailspliting tolerance
the tiles on the floor challenged me
to a halfhearted game of checkers
which i lost and knelled forgiveness
beseeching the swirling toilet seat
until it swallowed me with porc'lain
tonguing me with warped shower curtains
and puked me whole to the cacklin' pack.

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Reviews

  • dave ochs silver member
    August 28

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    hey pap

    thought this was about going to worship but you took us down the tiolet, like getting drunk on a bad acid trip, had everything but the singing Tidy Bowl Man. I enjoyed the ride.

    dave

    . Rewarded 4

  • Xenophon
    August 28

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    not bad

    maybe there are 8 sylables per line when you're drunk, but there are 9+ when you're sober. Or at least when I am... not a real problem... silly bulls are never a problem...I wouldn't take this for a magazine, but I'd ask to see more. pretty good poem.


  • Gagiikwe
    August 30

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    A poem for the unchurched

    lower case may suit e.e. cummins, but pwerhaps you'd benefit by using capitals where appropriate.

    'knelled' - excellent word use and pun on kneeled.

    'swallowed me with porc'lain' great imagrey

    You maintained the intensity of experience throughout the poem; as well as the imagery.

    . Rewarded 6


  • mr backwards
    August 31

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    ooh!

    I loved this dream-like narration, particularly the misleading title. it has a hazy atmosphere to it, which is probably intentional (?) due to the fucked up back story.
    A dizzy dervish of delight. This reminds me of something I've since forgotten. Deliriously delicious. Pardon the D's, alliteration is easier when it's not forced.

    brilliant.

    my favorite line?

    "the tiles on the floor challenged me
    to a halfhearted game of checkers"

    . Rewarded 8


  • marcusmoore silver member
    August 31

    Edit | Reply

    krzybutNEONeqoiua

    hey der pappy, I loved the imagery and originality of the piece. As usual with your poems those were very strong attributes of this poem. The imagery was my favorite. I can't say that I have a favorite line or one that I thought was best suited for this poem and the emotions I believe that you were trying to display. Obviously since you had a consistent syllable count the rhythm of the poem would work well or better than most that are just put together without considering such tools. The flow was good, not great but good. Rhymes and line breaks usually help out with that part, and of course rhythm has a huge part to do with it, which you already have. But it's your poem. I wish you the best and hope to hear a critique or a comment from you in the near future, there's plenty everybody could learn from one another at these sites and that's what we promote, poets helping poets. It makes a very constructive atmosphere and people start learning just by reading poetry and feedback that they get on their poems, so they're learning and most of the time they don't even realize it LoL, A beautiful thing. I'll definately be keeping in touch, hope to hear from ya bu

    . Rewarded 8