an urge of self-celebration
of self-mockery, i could be
a better man than this, if only
but the carpet needs dusting
my books need shelving
from their piles on the floor and i
am among the piles and waiting
for voice-uttered deliverance
from theeverlonelystateofthings
objects—the black desk with its white lamp
the silver trumpet with its Title
the pictures crooked and cups with pencils
yellow Post-Its clung like clammy palms
“buy a calculator for STAT” (i am
the self-conscious statistic, caked
in hydrocortisone cream and
bills, beliefs and worries)
all i’ve assumed, but if i ejaculate
them from my grasp, un-dread
them from my figure, flee
to the fields to join the animals, I
’d become Myself—singular
essential, organic, wholly
complete and perfectly
mad.
Reviews
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Cool update of Whitman...
with a lot of the attendant modern problems. The poem works thematically, I have a few quibbles on structure and grammar.
"I could be a better man than this, if only...
the carpet needs dusting..."
The "and" that began that carpet line was not connected, this was one way I saw of correcting it and smoothing it out. Other spot is toward the end - if you change "fled" to "flee" you would have agreement throughout that section.
The rest of the poem is a funny and effective take on the complications in breaking free to the essential humanity Whitman wrote about. Cheers, MJ. Rewarded 8
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good eye
Mojo,
those are both great suggestions. in fact, those are the two main areas i'd been having problems with. i knew there was an incoherent splicing of thoughts in "if only, and the carpet needs
dusting," but i could not figure out how to smooth that out. i backed "if only" up to the previous line, as you suggested, which i hadn't thought of. i think i'll change the "and" to a "but" in "and the carpet needs dusting," which is probably closer to my original thought. the only problem with this resolution is that i already used "but" further on in the poem, and i hate to have so many counterpoints. o well. as for changing "fled" to "flee," i totally agree. i was trying to keep the end rhyme with the previous line's "dred" (what a silly thing to do! i don't even like end rhymes.) but i guess i stared at it long enough that it began to look correct and half-heartedly justified.
...
i've been picking my way through an anthology of Whitman lately, and a couple nights ago, as i was relaxing in my room, this one came to me. i was quite tired at the time, but that seems to be a recent trend, as i was completely exhausted when i wrote the previously posted poem "Church," (which explains a lot). i hadn't been that tired in a long time. but that's college.
thanx for the comment,
best,
Pap
p.s. - how is Brazil? or are you somewhere else? i can't quite remember...
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hey pap
i have a copy of leaves of grass but i'm too lazy to get into it or maybe its too dense for me. regardless of noting the reference of i celebrate myself, i think you've written a good poem about conformity and fear of non-conformity and the fear of not being true to yourself.
dave. Rewarded 6
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thanx dave
oh, i've just been in a reading sort of mood lately. and i've aquired so many books. so many poetry books. and Whitman, well, he started it all. i'm not saying we wouldn't have free verse if it weren't for him. someone else would have come along broke the trend, looked deeper into themselves and humanity. that's inevitable. but his legacy is still impacting. anyhow, Leaves is his crowning accomplishment. and it's taken me a while to appreciate it...
i'm the sort of guy who walks around campus barefoot and without a shirt on and frolics in the grass. i love nature. i see God in creation. Whitman and i would have gotten along quite nicely, i do believe. in heaven, perhaps?
as for wrangling your way through Leaves, don't stress it. i guess i kinda take to Whitman naturally because i feel i can relate. but then, i also relate to Poe, and the two weren't very fond of each other. shux, at least i'm not just reading this stuff for a poetry class, which i happen to be taking. i actually enjoy it, which is my point.
best,
Pap
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Walt Whitman, one of the roughs, is always up ahead of us on the path, motioning to us to follow....Walt Whitman is America. Walter Whitman, Jr., prissy and tepid little twerp, bores me silly. The fictional Walt Whitman is a hero of the human imagination. If you love Whitman, seek out D. H. Lawrence's magnificent unrhymed poems. Most recently, A. R. Ammons has come closest to Whitman's greatness.
Keep up the good work. I am a big fan of topical steroid creams myself.
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My Gosh
That was such a great and fantabulous read..set me back to the classes of American literauture..Me loved the profound deep structure of thoughts so well graded and mixed..You may also perhaps drive some inspiration from Emerson and Edgar Allan Poe..That surely should be an astounding one too..however..You have left me utterly nostalgic and thanks to you for driving me into that lovely reminiscene of my college days.
. Rewarded 8
September 3, 2008