Former convicted
Madame to the stars
Heidi Fleiss
Wanted to start
A brothel for women
In Utah
Where prostitution is legal
But she ran into
A lot of red-tape
And besides
Her whole premise
Was wrong
Everyone knows
Even a bag lady
Can get laid
If she wants to
Anyway en-route
Heidi met a lady
Whose dying wish
Was for her
To take care
Of her birds
So Heidi
Wound up
Building an aviary
Instead of a brothel
Comments
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I stuggle with this type of poetry...
That ofcourse is no reflection on your poem but rather of myself. I'm trying to break free from my prison of rhythm and rhyme. It's an ineresting story and I'm curious what inspired it. A person you met perhaps? Or a spontaneous(?) thought? Or is it based on one of the many faomous poeple of whom I know not? Lucky for Heidi she met this dying lady who steared Heidi towards something much more beautiful that the fate she had chosen for herself. Though I search vain for a rhythm out of habit, this was a delightful take on life.
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hey brian
this poem was inspired by all things a documentary on heidi fleiss's attempt to open up a brothel to service women.
good luck braking the rhyme habit. nothing wrong with it but i think a poet limits himself and writes a lot of poems that fall apart because nothing rhymes with orange.
an editor of a mag. wrote he thinks poetry is no more than an abbrevited short story.
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very interesting..nice way of putting it..
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thank you optimista,
dave
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Nice, almost journalistic poem. You certainly tell it like it is. The lines hold the tension pretty well. Did you experiment with line structure?
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thanks quillsword
your spot on. I wrote this after watching a documentary on Fleiss. i try to make it so each line leads the reader into the next. appreicate the comments.
dave
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Just goes to say that human behaviour is unpredictable and human beings can change at any point of time.Here it's
evident that the wrong path leads to a good end.The poem was good and interesting.
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hey leo
thanks for the astute comment. you get the poem.
dave
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LoL
Hey Dave and thanks for sharing and showing us another glimpse inside the head that is Dave Ochs. Unless of course you stole this material from a young african boy in Sierra Leone. LoL well obviously that was all just me talking stupid, except for the thanks for the insight into your Genius mind. POOR old Heidi Fleiss haha. A good write, the birds part kinda confused me, but I don't know all that much of what heidi did after her convictions, I thought she tried to start up her brothel business again, but that could have just been here-say. I liked the poem, thought it was humurous. But the capital letters are a small distraction since they have no meaning. other than that a good poem, as always thanks for sharing with us what's inside of your mind.
PS. by birds did you mean women, like the brits and english call they're females birds sometimes, so that would explain it as well I guess. I always liked the idea of calling women birds. LoL IDK why though. thanks again and hope to hear a comment or critique from ya sometime in the near future. Keep on writing mate and I'll keep on reading like alot of your fans here. Congrats!@!@**
TTYL
MM
language: 2, rhythm: 3, subject: 4, tone: 4, form: 3.
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hey marcus
i watched a documentary on Fleiss's attempt to start a brothel, she did an old woman that she went to buy a bird from and found she had an affinity for birds. the old woman died and left the birds in her care and did wind up building an aviary while the brothel, feel through.
so birds wasn't some reference to women. i guess truth is stranger than fiction.
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Default punctuation sucks
Hey Professor. I'm on the wrong side of the Atlantic to know what the fuck's going on here but I can kinda guess. It's nice that a would-be 'madam' should end up as a 'bird'-keeper. It's poetic.
I have to say though that your devil-may-care punctuation is working against you here. Technology is insisting that you start your lines with capitals and it just looks WRONG in the context of this supposedly devil-may-care piece. Ironically, you're going to have work at making this look less tidy if it's going to really work. Seriously! Nonchalance is hard work these days! The easy way to stop these bossy capitals appearing is just write without stopping or pressing the 'enter' key until you finished. Then go BACK to the start and press the 'ENTER' key where you want a line break. Hey presto! No unwanted capitals. This is a hot tip. If I see capitals at the start of every line from now on I'll assume you actually WANT them - and that they suck. Your critic-in-residence >W< -
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hey W
yeah, i like the lower case letters myself and usually when i type a poem i go over it and make the caps small. i would never deliberately try to make a piece look like i hadn't worked on it, that'd be like buying those jeans (expensive) that have rips in them. i posted in haste but won't do that again. thanks for the read and critique.
dave
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