My ex called me to hang out
on a lazy Sunday
and she bought up
how her niece and her husband
quit calling her
after she got laid off
for the summer
and could no longer
afford to take them
out to eat
inferring they were
using her
but there we were
sitting in a restaurant
and I was paying
the bill
and I could have said
that she never
called me
when she had money
because she was
too busy
taking them out to eat
but I didn’t say anything
I was happy for the company
my old lady
was out of town
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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hey dave
I like this, I like poems like this, describing a scene or moment caught in time and just explaining it, very simple yet so effective. Embarassingly I didn't get the poem right away and took two readings or so. I have to agree that everybody uses everybody and that everybody needs somebody. I loved the honesty displayed in this one, like all of your others, just honest. A good read and inspiration to branch out in my own writing. thanks for sharing.
TTYL
MM
language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 4.
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hey marcus
thanks for commenting, i hope there wasn't something unclear in the poem that you had to re-read to get the meaning, i pride myself in accessibility.
dave
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Hi Dave,
I love it... simply stated, but says alot.... kind of like a dog chasing his tale feeling to it... brings the reader right back around.... to re think... I think there is a spelling error... third line...Brought or bought?? Thanks for your recent comments, they are always welcome and entertaining. I believe I will have more time to participate now, so I'll check back for any new works....ttfn Laurel
language: 5, rhythm: 4, subject: 5, tone: 5, form: 4.
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hey laurel
nice to hear from you. yes, i like the full circle type poems, will check out anything you post.
dave
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oh!
i love it even more because i just understood the last part better. ha. your using her too right? sorry..i should have read it twice. i really love it! -
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hey LL
thanks for the double reading and compliments. much appreciated.
dave
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ha
i love it. reminds me of occurences ive had with freinds. i like it becuase poeple have empathy, and its' short lines make it..i dont know it draws you..im no good expressing myself but i do know its fantastic!
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Took time to get into the flow but I enjoyed, I did have to read a couple of times to visulise the scene and it worked. This is not a style that I have actually tried myself, maybe I'll give it a try.
language: 4, rhythm: 2, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
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hey Robin
thanks for the read and staying with it its hard to stick with a poem if you don't get into it right away.
dave
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This is missing
I feel that you tried to write a long poem, but fell short of words, vocabulary that could have fed this poem. The poem was left like bread with cheese only and not meat for the sandwich, I was left hungry hoping for more. -
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hey gypsymuse
thanks for commenting i don't know if my intention was to write a long poem, but it ended itself, hope next time i can add more meat.
dave
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no man is an island
Dave,
everybody needs everybody. there was a book published back in the 40s, i think, by a Catholic Monk named Thomas Merton (not that i'm Catholic) titled "No Man is an Island." he talks about how every person needs other people in their lives. for company, for friendship, for advice, for criticism, whatever. and of course he talks about everyones need for God. i'm not preaching or anything, but your poem brought up a good point about our need-love, as C.S. Lewis calls it in "The Four Loves." everyone has a selfish need to be loved. by others and by God. it's a natural desire and without its attainment we are lonely.
...you've shown your more vulnerable side here, Dave, and i like it. even someone as cynical as you needs a good friend to chill with on a "lazy Sunday." you come off as a nice guy here, and honest about yourself, which i think are your intentions with even your most controversial topics. much appreciated.
always,
Pap
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hey pap
thanks for commenting. i agree with your premise from CS we all have a need to be loved. so i think we should follow the golden rule to love others as we want to be loved. and an inversion, when others don't love us the way we want because they're selfish, we should remember that we too don't always love others the way they want because were selfish to. (if that makes sense)
dave
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haha!
that's very risky, and i wouldn't ever suggest writing that, BUT it's hilarious and get's the point across! -
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say grace
thanks for commenting, hey i'm willing to risk it all to be funny and make a point.
dave
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hell, yeah!
sometimes, intentionally. other times,unconsciously. This is one fast, straight to the point, truthful poem. I found myself laughing by the time i finished reading this, and thinking of the times when I happened to be the "the niece & husband", or the "ex", or "dave" LOL!
L -
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hey lynne
good to hear from you. yes, if you've been used and you have used, then everybody uses everybody.
dave
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Your old lady will use you as a pin cushion!
Hey Ochs, your old lady will read this and use you as a pin cushion for her knitting needles. This has a very tidy and nicely rounded little conceit to it, also a very daring one which adds spice.
I seriously recommend splitting it into two stanzas after
'using her' in the interests of clarity and dramatic effect but I know you won't and it's still one of your best. >W< -
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hey W
thanks for commenting, it was more innocent than it sounded but hey if its more risque than it really is all the better.
dave
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