Pop sticks like creepers and vines.
Everyone sees it
Everyone's caught up in it
It's a world where
Pink's the new green
Thin's the new fat
Put on stilletos;
click clack, click, clack
walk like that
Walk like this
Blow a kiss,
And tip your hat.
Pop is a sensation.
Sensational lie
A bitter myth
That cages truth
Behind an eclipse
Hidden behind booze and
People getting high
An epedemic
a bandit that burns and
Brands the flesh,
The wound smells
Of the lowtide
Of a wasteland
Listen to the music
Wear the clothes
Watch the tele
Its brainwashing music
With seductive lyrics
Pop is entropy.
A science of human relations
The commercial etiquette
What's pretty to the eye
Pretty to hear
It's become a part of the body
Like make-up on a face
Turned us into machines
All doing the same things
As if we were trained
In the marines
We all march
On the wide road
Author notes
As you can tell, I'm not a follow the crowd kind of person. This is a view into who I am as a writer and as a person. I have to send it off next wednesday even though competition doesn't start until next month. Wish me luck! I'm thinking about shortening it. Any suggestions as to how?
Comments
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:D!
oh this is good. i like that it doesnt rhyme.. i cant seem to write poems without rly rhyming them. i like, i like.
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Wow..... I love this. I just can't put into words how much I loved it. You've got A LOT of talent Grace! Keep this up! I hope to read more from you soon! Hope you win the contest!
*~*HopeWouldNeverFail*~* -
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thanks! i meant to make some changes but ever since i started back in school i never have time to do anything. yeah, i totally got that contest in the bag.
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lol
yea I can definately relate to this poem b/c I've written something in the exact same vein as this one. You'd like it I think if you wrote this...it's called "Super Star-DUMB" and is about the difference betweeen bands that sellout and bands that make music b/c they love it and they want to share their love with the rest of the world. I don't know what advice to give you as to make it more poetic, the only thing I can think of is to add another "click clack" after the first one but on the same line to add a better rhythm for your rhyme there. to read something like...
"Pink's the new green
Thin's the new fat
Put on stilletos;
click clack, click clack."
Also maybe removing some of the commas at the end of sentences for pausing purposes b/c most people automatically assume there's a pause at a line break, unless you want to emphasize the pause, don't leave a comma. Thinking of that look through the poem and make whatever changes you think necessary.
language: 2, rhythm: 4, subject: 3, tone: 3, form: 3.
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Untypical
Hey Grace. This is a refreshingly strong piece for a 17yr. old, or from anybody for that matter, I mention your age only inasmuch as your peers tend to write, shall we say, more predictably. Not only has this got 'attitude' in spadefulls, it is well formed without ever trying to rely on singsong rhymes, but using more subtle, internal ones, nicely scattered but strong enough to integrate the work. One of your friends here asked me to look it over and I was VERY pleasantly surprised. Your notes say you're looking for editing suggestions. I'll message you mine for your eyes only so as not to presume. This is a really strong write (imho) Welcome to the site btw. >W<
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AND the thing is, i don't want it to come out like a total rant, cuz im sure the judges are sick and tired of reading that kind of stuff. it's so typical and expected of a teenager. so no ranting.
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so like, yeah! thanks a million times a galaxy for your input! ill definitely use some of your suggestions.
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I Want My EmpTV!
Money for nothing, chicks for free.
Heheh. Seems like an age ago when Dire Straits and Sting gave out that tune. Though it still rings true it doesn´t compare with the extremes relevant today.
Soft core porn with minimal musicality and a ripped-off beat has risen like scum to the surface.
Your sentiments opposed to such crass commerciality and lowest denominator target audience are admirable enough - to differ as an individual from the stampeding herd requires insight and self-awareness for sure - poetry writing requires the same - even more so. You appear to be well on the way Grace. Ideas come first. Your idea here is good and your thoughts display a discerning mind.
I read briefly thru the other comments and they offer helpful advice I think:
Skipeople has a point - pop nowadays is a pretty damn broad genre so you might wish to consider focusing your criticism on the aspects of the pop industry which piss you off the most.
Another point she and Dave make is the Godbot bit at the end. Superfluous and it distracts from your main arguments. Save it for another poem perhaps?
After all there´s some pretty awful schmalzy christian pop too that could certainly be considered as commercial in-it-for-the-money music.
Ok. Improvements can be made here and the poem is interesting enough to warrant any effort made in that direction.
Remember EVERY word counts.But less is more (usually). Line breaks, rhythm clashing of flowing sounds, syllable stress etc. Reading aloud a lot to yourself (if you don´t already) helps.
If an average word can be replaced by a word which enhances imagery use it. F.ex in your first line:
"Pop clings like creepers and vines." "clings" says so much more than "is". (Just a suggestion!)
Diligent use of a thesaurus is a must! It opens new vistas of choice enriching vocabulary, deepening precise meaning and avoiding needless repeats.
Another example if you will allow me to be so bold:
Pop is sensation.
Sensational lie;
A bitter deceit
Caging truth
Behind an eclipse.
Using a different word for essentially the same meaning can underline its impact.
Personally I think you can safely shorten this piece, focusing on its salient points and smartest turns of phrase which ought to improve its standing in a most types of competition, Grace.
I hope this critique has been of some use to you (and good luck).
Oh and if you make NO changes whatsoever and still win first prize make sure you tell me what an idiot I am for suggesting them. Heheh.
Regards
gnosisonG
PS: Brian asked me if I could critique this poem, Grace - he´s looking out for you.
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the pop that im referring to is popular culture, anything seen on tv or in the popular magazines. the rhyming, to me when i read it, it's kinda like a rap, so the rhyming may seem a bit 'forced'. the message was, are you gonna follow the crowd on the wide road and copy whatever you hear or see, or are you gonna be part of the 'bigger picture' and follow the straight and narrow, so to speak. don't be a follower, be a leader.
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It has a nice pace, as Robin has pointed out already, but what "pop" are you referring to, may I ask. Us country folk know it as in "soda pop" or the music "pop". Anywho....my bad attempt at a joke.
A few parts, how do you say, seem forced...though that isn't quite the word I'm looking for. Just some of your rhymes stickout a bit, but not in a terribly bad way, only slightly. You get a good point across, about being one of the crowd, as you also state in your notes.
One other thing that struck me, you refer to God's grace in the end. It does rhyme, but I have personally failed to get its relation to the rest of the poem in itself. Then again, I just got home from a very long day of schoolwork.
Overall, it is a nicely formed piece and is worthy of the praise it has received. Good luck with the competition in Feb., I really do hope you do well!
Nicely done,
Ashley
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Great Pace
That's what I call a great outlook on life for a young person. I liked the pace and the subject and the question at the end very challenging to the young people of today. if this is how you really think, keep it up and don't follow the crowd just be you.
language: 4, rhythm: 5, subject: 4, tone: 3, form: 3.
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this is really a good poem and i can totally associate it with girls that i know. so many people are caught up in this world and become almost robots completely influenced by celebrities. the short repetitive lines conpletely emphasize this. i especially like the lines 'turned us into machines / all doing the same things'
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hey grace
no doubt, this is an excellent write (forgive the pop phase) the theme the rythm, and the point it makes that people become commerically driven sheep in order to conform. how unhip is that? i didn't like the last line though, thought it had religious overtones, and while i appreciate all religions, it tinted the poem with preachiness, and instead of making it about keeping your individuality it made it more chic vs church, religion can be conformist too.
dave -
WOW that stands for Wow!
It's obvious you put a lot of thought into this poem. That in itself is amazing to me. I don't do that. For me it's a matter of letting whatever is on my mind roll out onto the paper, or keyboard now days. Like the way you depict how easy it is to get caught in the go with whats popular attitude in the first verse (or is that what they call a stanza). I like the reference to pop culture being a sensational lie and drinking and drugs being and epedimic in the second...(whatever?) I like the reference to people becoming machines [unable to think for themselves] in the third (?). I love the last! For me it asks the question "Are you strong enough to be differnt?"
I love the use of descriptive comparison all the way through it. You can keep working on it if you want to but I like it the way it is. I wish I could put that much thought into mine. Keep up the good work.
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