Worn thin, followed by a stranger
Unable to sense inevitable danger
Shared history draws the curtain
Mistaken actions left uncertain
Flags attract little attention
Aware yet too proud to mention
Pointless when odd doesn't fit
Left alone spun, now lit
Failure's imposed incompetence
Denying loss of significance
Expectations fade to familar burning eyes
Hard empty expression complies
Silence and fear once aquainted
Back turned, begging..memory painted
Relations melt in mirrors shattered...
....while spinning what mattered.
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Comments
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I like the title.
Shards- I think it represent the broken pieces of our relationships or lives very well. I like your opening lines it sets the mood for anticipation. I automatically read line 5 as - Flags [attracted] little attention. The rhythm feels off in line 6. Feels like it needs another "beat".
Try reading it - Aware and yet, too proud to mention.
You lost me with lines 7 and 8 but don't let that bother you, I get lost easy. Lines 9 and 10 flow well but I stumble on line 11. I would drop [familar] unless it has an important signifigance that's lost on me.
For me line 13 says fear no longer knows silence - it's time to speak up or speak out. I'm not sure what to make of your ending. It's lost on me. But like I said before I get lost easy. I don't have a clue as to the technical aspects of poetry. I just write what I feel, {or hear in my head}. Just joking.I enjoyed this poem though. Thanks for sharing. Hope to see more poems from you. Feel free to pick apart some of my poems. -
I liked the beginning alot
and then the rhymes just kept coming, and sorry to say, in my opinion, alot of them sounded really forced and some didn't flow as well as they could/should have. I'd say things were good until the "flags attract little attention" line. That's when, to me at least, it feels like you stopped writing from your inspiration that was coming out of you and started thinking too much about being poetic. But as you know this is just my opinion and you can decide to take some of my advice or you can just tell me to go fuck off LoL. Either way I hope something positive comes out of this. thanks for sharing and welcome to sharepoetry...Hope to hear from ya soon.
TTYL
MM
PS. The best way to get people to read your poetry is to read and comment on theirs, then they'll usually gladly return the favor. Another thing that you can use to show how much you like a poem is the grading scale write below the comment TEXT box that I'm typing in now. kinda like an A,B,C,F type of thing, and then there's 5 drop boxes that have a point system 1-5 that you grade the poem on in different categories like, theme, form, rhythm, tone, etc...these are the three ways that you let a person know how much you liked their poem, and plus it gives both of you points if you use this small extra grading process. With points you can feature your poem on the front of the main website page for everybody to see, that way you can get more reads and comments to further progress yourself as a writer. Hope this helps some and hope to hear from ya soon. Take care peace out
language: 2, rhythm: 1, subject: 3, tone: 2, form: 3.
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